MIL problems since having baby - AIBU?

Stop taking the baby around to see her. For starters.

Of course outcome is important, never said it wasn’t. But intent is usually where you can see the root cause of the issue and resolve appropriately. Maybe you are right and MIL does have ill intent. But maybe to avoid the conflict and have a positive relationship going forward it might be best to give her the benefit of the doubt initially.
To be clear, I am not the MIL age. I am a mother of 3 little ones with a large family of strong women. I have advice/criticism coming left right and centre.
i have a different opinion to you, I am not ‘out of touch’. My intent is a positive one. Forums like this are great to see a spectrum of views.

Your baby, your rules!! Either stopping going to MIL for a bit (stressful times can affect both you and milk supply). Or if you do have to go make use of a sling - as soon as you arrive, put little one into it and keep her there. It is so hard to say no and fight little ones corner but you need to find a way......

You think insulting op and taking the baby off without op being around is anything linked to good intentions ? There is no good here other then to be offensive and to take control away from op. I'm not saying she gets up in the morning and makes a list on how to ruin her dil but she's obviously got an issue! And actually outcome is important, otherwise we'd all do what the hell we want and then claim 'we didn't mean it' . Honestly ,such an out of touch with reality post.

Name change time for you I think. You need to take the word kindness out, it don't suit you one bit.

@AquaPearl9
Sweetheart, you need to shut that shit down now or it will only get worse! How dare she? Your husband also needs to have your back. Together, polite but firm, every single time she tries to take over. If she persists, go for low/no contact. Life is too short & precious, particularly the early years of motherhood.

ALL THESE THINGS ARE INAPPROPRIATE.

your MIL is insulting you in front of people and you’re giving her the benefit of the doubt??? You’re being very generous.

time to talk to hubby. Even just show him this. You’re uncomfortable, I think that’s fine. I dread seeing my MIL too. She’s a typical high school mean girl. ‘Oh you look sooo pretty in this picture, I never would’ve recognized you’ - anyway, you’re not alone. It sinks, especially if you have a nice family.

Put some (reasonable) boundaries in place with her OP.

Also, not good for babies to be left sleeping in their car seat so not a bad thing she takes baby out of it.

I like to think of ‘intent’ rather than outcome in these situations. I think that her intent is likely to love the baby and unburden you - even if the outcome clearly doesn’t help you! Therefore, I would acknowledge this intent, but gently suggest that actually you’d prefer she talk to you first before she takes baby. You could even tell a white lie and say it’s because you’re a nervous first time mum to diffuse the situation. This way you’ll hopefully keep a loving nana on side whilst still achieving what you want. Doesn’t need to be a conflict x

Sorry but I'm going against the pack here and I'm gonna say you're being unreasonable. Surely the reason to visit is so they can spend time with the baby. The moment the grandchildren arrive, us children or spouses of child are a second thought, lol. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

When my eldest two were babies, as soon as we came through the door my mil would take the baby and then greet us... since my 3rd she has lost her mobility and strength so with baby 3 and 4 I'd tell her to sit down and I would give her the baby... again straight away before me and hubby are even acknowledged. Her grandchildren are her life!

But then I went through the effort of building a relationship with her, when I had my first baby she came to live with me for 6 months and we are close enough that I call her mum when talking to her or about her, lol.

You need to become a mother lion and growl at her😂😂 your baby, your rules, stand up to her. She is being a complete (insert bad word). But you are letting her.

I totally agree, I feel everyone is being really extreme with their reactions.

MIL won’t know if she isn’t being told.

You can just say, nicely, what you want her to do and not to do regarding your child.

If she THEN carries on doing things her way, that’s a different story and she would be unreasonable. You’d really need your partner’s support in laying down the law then.

But at least give MIL the opportunity to be reasonable by calmly speaking to her and explaining the rules around your baby.

You do need to talk to your partner. Rather than start off with criticising his mum start with how you are feeling. I am starting to feel really uncomfortable around your mum and it's making me not want to see her. I really want to have a relationship with her and for our baby to. What can we do so that I can feel more comfortable? So you are strategizing together on boundaries and what he can do to step up.

MIL sounds a pain but YABU for letting your 9 weeks old sleep in the car seat. It’s not safe sleep and is a risk for positional asphyxiation so probably a good job MIL picked her up.

The rest of it though, tell her not to!

I voted you are BU because you're being a wimp! Would you let a complete stranger come up and take your baby out of your arms without asking? No, of course you wouldn't, so next time she tries to do it, just turn away and tell her that you'd prefer her not to take baby at the moment. Better still, tell her that you're not happy about her frequently taking baby out of the car seat or whatever, the minute you arrive, and that you will tell her when she can. If she ignores you, and still tries to take over, stop visiting her, no one can make you OP, you're not a child now, you're a MOTHER, and it's your job to protect your child, so just do it!

Mine was exactly the same, especially running off to other rooms with baby, trying to take crying baby out of my arms, little criticisms etc. Except we didn't have a brilliant relationship to start with and it turned out that her expectations were that my DC would eventually ask to go and live with her instead of us anyway... It really messed up my mental health, especially as I don't have my own Mum around for support.

I did establish some boundaries by just ignoring the attempts to grab the baby and by calling out the worst of the stuff (which never resulted in any introspection or apologies). She did back off a bit but I don't think our relationship will ever really recover and I still feel incredibly anxious for days or even weeks when I know we or they will be visiting, even years later.

I strongly advise for your sanity to try to get your DH on board and get him to back you up. Do not feel bad about establishing perfectly reasonable boundaries and for asking him for help with this. You're a new Mum and extended family should be supporting you, not making you feel anxious or uncomfortable.

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear this. You do need to say no when she does these things. But also:

I'd known my MIL for 15 years before me and DH had our first baby, always got on fine. During the latter stages of my pregnancy she 'turned', criticising me and shouting and trying to make DH choose 'her side' over me.

What I realised was that she was massively triggered by someone else being 'the mum'. (DH is her only child and she's been a SAHM his whole life, so her identity is very tied in to being 'his mum' and it was quite an extreme change for her).

The first thing that happened when it all came out, was that I lost my temper too (very hormonal in my defence!) and told her if she was going to behave badly to me then she would not have a relationship with her grandchild.

The second thing was that DH reinforced this, said that he wanted her in our lives but that if she made him choose between her or me, he would choose me - his pregnant wife.

She was quite grumpy and shocked and said she was 'waiting for an apology' but DH and I held our boundary and since then she has been (mostly!) completely fine and a lovely grandma to the kids.

In your case - your MIL is trying this same thing, asserting herself as 'the mum' who 'owns' the baby, takes the baby whenever she wants, gives it to whoever she wants to hold, etc. She's undermining you with criticism so that you let her.

You and DH should take a firm line with this, IMHO. You deserve respect as the woman who has birthed her grandchild and she should ALWAYS ask your permission before taking the baby from you, and respect your wishes around mouth kisses, etc.

Wish you a good outcome! And congratulations on your baby.

If you or DP can't just tell her to stop doing this (and I know how hard/impossible that can feel with a "strong character") I would just refuse to go to hers in future. Why should you spend your time and energy going to her house when she behaves like that? Everything you describe sounds terrible, but if she's outright insulting you as well I would not be going back.

If there’s ever a time to stop biting your tongue, it’s now OP. Start pushing back.

If she takes your baby without asking, just take her back. Do it often enough and she’s bound to catch on soon enough. She’s taking advantage of you being a new mum to take over - nip this in the bud now or it’ll only get worse!

Oh dear god!

I was just about to suggest a sling, it mostly worked with my MIL apart from constant comments about "you never seem to put that baby down, do you!" and "you carry him so much, he'll probably never learn to walk". I actually did hardly any babywearing when I wasn't around MIL...

I think you need to ask yourself what is stopping you from not releasing your baby from your arms when MIL comes grabbing, or from saying as you enter the house "Please do not pick her up or wake her - she is comfortable as she is."

I am not having a dig at you - I really think it is worth asking yourself why you do not do/say these things?

Once you have worked out what it is, it might be worth asking yourself whether it really matters. For instance you might be concerned that MIL would be offended - if, so, what does it matter? - you are offended by the things she is doing and she does not seem to be worried about that - or maybe she does not know. She will know if you tell her.

I think clear communication is what is needed. Do not be afraid that she will think badly of you. You know that you are just being reasonable - and do you really care what she thinks about you?

A domineering mother will want to continue that pattern when she becomes a grandparent - it is up to you not to let her.

It is a total PITA I know, but you cannot change her personality unfortunately.

Exactly this! It’s hard stabbing up for yourself but once you’ve said it a couple of times hopefully MIL will get the hint!

I think she thinks she is doing me a favour but the more she does it, the more nervous I am and I think it’s totally out of order separating a baby from their mother without permission.

Oh no, she knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s playing mummies with your baby and thinks she has every right to.

You absolutely need to say no. In fact, I’d bark it at her as she went to take my baby, and I’d lock my arms around my child. She’d look an absolute fucking maniac if she then tried to wrestle your newborn from you. And your H needs to step her and put her in her place.

And, whilst ultimately this is the truth and what will happen eventually, it's really hard when you're a FTM and emotional, hormonal and tired and you don't want to upset DH. What you need is for DH to have a word with his mum and stand up for you!

This definitely stops people taking your baby off you but it didn't stop MIL waking baby up. She would come through the front door, be told he was sleeping in the sling and she'd run in and shake him awake while he was attached to me. Even if I went upstairs she'd still come and find me. They were crazy times. Never again.