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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not let partner live with me rent free…?

38 replies

midlifesomething · 02/05/2024 00:19

Just that really. He is not working right now as he lost his job. Although not his fault he is not likely to be back working in his usual field for a few months.
its not through illness, he’s perfectly healthy.
I would struggle keeping us both, the house is mine and all bills my responsibility but he is not able to contribute anything to the bills so he’s gone back to parents. But he is now 30 miles away and I work full time we are only seeing each other at weekends.
It’s hard and I feel bad, but something about not taking any job at all in the meantime, just to contribute a little, does not sit well with me.

OP posts:
CarpetSlipper · 02/05/2024 06:45

He said he didn’t want to “sponge” off you and presumably his parents are happy to support him. I’m assuming he’s early twenties by the way, much older and I’d find it a bit odd to move back in with parents.

I don’t think this is necessarily a “red flag” but if he wanted to live with you, he could have looked for a job.

Dontsparethehorses · 02/05/2024 06:42

If it wasn’t his fault would he be given redundancy pay to cover the gap? Or use job seekers allowance to be able to put towards his rent if he was living with you? He has options but he’s choosing to not work and stay with his parents

Peonies12 · 02/05/2024 06:39

If he is in position to focus on finding a job in his expertise (which it sounds like he is) that’s fair enough, rather than taking any job. Job hunting is time consuming. It’s not like he had kids/a mortgage etc, in which case he should take any job.
Do you own your house? If you do I’d be very careful if he does move in, discuss whether you want him to contribute only to bills, as if he’s paying to your mortgage it can be complicated

Catza · 02/05/2024 06:36

midlifesomething · 02/05/2024 00:36

Thank you for reinforcing what I kinda was already thinking. My friends have been saying YANBU, but of course friends have your back.
We were heading towards living together before this bump in the road. He said he doesn’t want to sponge off me so went back to his parents willingly. It does feel like a red flag for the future. Which is a bit heartbreaking.

Confused about which bit is a red flag? Him willingly going to his parents because he doesn’t want to sponge on you? I’d take it as a massively green flag, actually.
Him not looking for a menial job in the meantime? Well, he doesn’t have a responsibility for a family at this point and has an option of staying with parents. And he doesn’t actually live with you so no responsibilities to you just yet. In these circumstances it is perfectly acceptable to focus on looking for the right type of job if it is only a matter of weeks.

Catsmere · 02/05/2024 00:38

If he's prepared to sponge off you, living rent-free (is he on whatever unemployment benefit is in Britain?) rather than getting any sort of fill-in job, then he's not what I'd call a partner.

Original poster
midlifesomething · 02/05/2024 00:36

Thank you for reinforcing what I kinda was already thinking. My friends have been saying YANBU, but of course friends have your back.
We were heading towards living together before this bump in the road. He said he doesn’t want to sponge off me so went back to his parents willingly. It does feel like a red flag for the future. Which is a bit heartbreaking.

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 02/05/2024 00:34

YANBU It's great you've seen the situation clearly preventing him possibly taking advantage of you.
30 miles isn't too far.. He'll have to make more effort

FetchezLaVache · 02/05/2024 00:28

YANBU, unless he has asked/hinted to live with you and not contribute as he feels he is above doing a min wage job to tide him over, in which case YABincrediblyU not to get rid of him forthwith.

It sounds like your gut has identified a red flag - perhaps he has some kind of form for leaning on you a little financially? If so, ignore at your peril.

PaminaMozart · 02/05/2024 00:27

I'm with you on this. You don't want a cocklodger. And his attitude to (not) taking on work that isn't suitable, doesn't meet his needs or ambitions, is beneath him, et cetera will tell you a lot about whether he is or isn't a good long-term prospect.

pinkdelight · 02/05/2024 00:26

Course yanbu. It's not a good way to start off living together. Heed that feeling and stick to your guns. He can get another job and pay his way. You aren't his keeper.

Maybethisyearornext · 02/05/2024 00:25

yanbu

SapphOhNo · 02/05/2024 00:25

YANBU obviously you can still see him and have time together at yours, sleepovers etc but maintain a healthy boundary and only move in together when ready and he can pay his way.

ToxicChristmas · 02/05/2024 00:22

YANBU at all.