It's an inheritence one...

It is a well-intentioned plan that has the potential to go horribly wrong. You said in one of the comments you wouldn't be providing personal care, what will you do if your parent is struggling with double incontinence and only receives 4 visits from a carer per day? The costs of live-in care are very high, you're talking £2k minimum per week, and would need to be funded out of your parents' savings, it is not something that LA would fund. As others mentioned, there is the risk that if your parents do need care, their "share" in the home would be seen as part of their overall assets and would be included in the calculations. So if hypothetically they gifted £100k, the LA will treat it as if they still have the money and would expect that all of this is used up until the £23.5k limit of savings. Yes, you may get "lucky" and your parents may only need light-touch support, but even that will be emotionally exhausting and draining past a certain stage. Dealing with someone who has dementia is a whole different level of hell I would not wish on anyone and no amount of money can compensate for that.

I don't think it's 'fair' that I'm the only one left in the country, so all the responsibility for caring for my parents falls to me. I also have to be the de facto 'base' in the country, so will have to host Christmas from now until eternity etc. Hosting Christmas doesn't seem like a big deal I know, and it isn't, but it's an example of the role reversal that's been difficult to get my head around.

These are your choices though. I do the main caring for my Mum even though I live the furthest away, I wouldn't dream of being rewarded financially for doing it.
If I was one of your siblings I think I'd be annoyed too. Why don't you suggest to your parents that they should give a bigger percentage of their estate to your siblings. I think it's unfair for you to get 20% of their worth now plus to expect more when they die.

Chances are that it won't go on care home fees. Mostly people don't go into care homes.

Will your parents be paying towards fuel bills/council tax etc? Those bills will likely be big if the house is big and if your parents like their home warm?

You could agree to charge a notional rent of £500 each month for example - which actually just reduces the amount your parents put into the house by £500 each month. When/if the amount falls to zero they could start paying rent.

Document this to protect you if deprivation of assets rears its head.

Can you afford those high bills or do you need your parents to contribute?

If your parents did give away a large sum of the remainder of their assets (to siblings) then I think you really are in deprivation of assets territory. They have used the money that they have given to you to house themselves but if they give away most of the rest they will be accused of doing it to avoid paying for care - as why else would they do it? They would be choosing to leave themselves without the means to pay for the care that they may need.

I know someone who is trying to get care for the elderly parent who lives with them. Social services know that the parent sold their house and gave away the money to her adult children so are saying no - that the children should fund any care needed.

I think you need to talk to your parents and te them that a legl document must be drawn up before exchange to save arguments down the line.

It would be a red line for me.

I would just add that, from OP's posts, it isn't clear how much communication is coming from your parents to your siblings, and how much it has been discussed as a family. I realise that this is not necessarily possible or easy in all families.

My parents have lent a significant sum to a sibling and although there were some "favouritism" feelings about it, it was more easily resolved because they spoke to us before the decision was made, laid out what it would mean in terms of any other financial help in the short-mid term and laid out the solicitor's agreement that they are putting in place to ensure the money remains a loan and doesn't become a gift.

The mock up of rent/buying/care costs sounds like a good idea to show your siblings that this is genuinely the most cost-effective move - and don't forget the everyday stuff too. Even in they don't require live-in care or a home, support quickly racks up. Gardeners, cleaners, window cleaners, home deliveries, home help, meals on wheels, etc., even if they are "independent". However, the onus is on your parents to communicate this with their children, not for you to go to war with your siblings.

I wonder if the people saying this situation is ok and fair would change their minds if the gift were 1mm, or 2mm? Or even 500k if you are aayjng it’s payment for care work then 500k for running errands and helping with technology sounds like a great job?
im not saying it’s fair to be the one child stuck with all the responsibility, altho I’m sure there were upsides to this ( childcare help, more good quality time together etc ) but it does happen a lot by chance and I suspect the siblings moved overseas when everyone was younger- they didn’t do it to run away from taking care of ageing parents !!! Maybe a seperate conversation needs to be had about whether they need to come back to help , but I’m still not convinced taking 20 pct of the estate and then expecting another 1/3 of 80pct later ( which is essentially half of everything ) is that fair

Was it fair of their kids to fuck off abroad though? Where's THEIR demonstration of love and value? Why is it only expected to go one way?

Do you really think it's fair if the OP gives up where she really wants to live, and years of her time and freedom, and then the siblings who did whatever they wanted to do get exactly the same as her because 'inheritance should be equal'?

My auntie had her mum in a care home near her and visited every day. This involved moving her to another care home at one point as her personal needs weren't being met appropriately. My dad and his brother refused to visit her for years because 'she doesn't know us anymore'. On her death, they all got 1/3 but the brothers complained bitterly that their sister (who cleared the whole house of course) got house contents. Gross.

Fair does not always mean equal.

Gosh this is so messy.

I'm landing on the YABU side. You say yourself you wouldn't be able to afford this house without the (huge) gift from your parents. I know you're taking on a potentially big caring role, but you are benefitting from that financially.

As is so often commented on here, inheritance and large gifts from parents aren't just about the money, it is often much more about the perception of value and love.

I do think your share should be taken into account in the final reckoning. Giving you a massive gift now and then an equal share on your parents' death isn't fair. Perhaps the adjustment could be done as a monetary amount that doesn't increase with inflation, to make some allowance for the care you will do. You must also remember that you will benefit by having the money potentially much earlier in life than your siblings.

I would also be very very worried about your parents' security in your siblings' shoes and want that tied up legally.

I think it's very difficult to do something like this without causing resentment or worry.

Your siblings both live abroad so I would say they're very welcome to move closer to your parents and take over the day-to-day help that you're providing in their absence.

When my parents became elderly I wasn't a carer as such (not at first anyway) but I helped with GP and hospital appointments, anything at all that needed a computer or telephone, shopping, minor DIY, gardening etc etc. It doesn't sound like much but one year I kept a diary just out of interest, when I read it now I'm shocked by how much time was taken up with driving backwards and forwards to their house for all the above tasks.
A caring role doesn't always mean literally providing personal care.

I've seen it in other families, where the sibling or cousin swoops in and starts laying down the law on what should be happening and how the person providing the help isn't doing it quite right, before rushing off again because they're just so busy!
Anyone who has ever worked in a care home will tell you how common it is.
But usually when it comes to inheritance those siblings or cousins who couldn't spare the time to help will try to justify why everyone is now equal in terms of money.

Hi OP, I think you may be interested in reading the attached thread that was posted a few weeks ago about a sibling being gifted a large amount of money for a house purchase.

Not precisely the same situation as yours, but a lot of the discussion for the OP centred around how the large gift to the sibling was causing huge emotional pain as it was tied to pretty evident favouritism and generally unqual treatment over years.

I am not suggesting that you are the favourite child as the annex seems to be a very practical solution for your family situation, however it might give you some insight into why your sibling is reacting so strongly.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5052496-large-sum-of-money-being-given-to-sibling?page=1

Care home fees locally are anywhere between £4k -£7per month that’s for 1 person. I’m sure there is a second person discount sharing rooms etc but you’ll still be saving them a lot.

They're essentially paying you for care. Sibling is welcome to move closer to their parents and provide care if they want money.

It seems fair and worked out with legal assistance.
Very sensible.
Trust in each other is important and you have that.

Your parents need to be the ones to communicate with their other two kids. They should point out that an inheritance is not a given - they are at liberty to spend all their money on themselves, including on an annexe which is in exchange for the care you will be giving free of wages.

Gosh I don't think this is complicated at all. I think it's really simple.

OP's parents need care and are putting a sum of money towards ensuring they have lifelong 24/7 care and support. Whatever 35% of the house value is, I bet you anything it's nothing like care fees for 2 people potentially for the rest of their natural lives. Without this money, the care cannot happen. Neither of OP's siblings want this 'job' so they don't get the investment.

This is how they are choosing to spend their money in their lifetimes. It is not inheritance it is their money and they're spending it on wisely ensuring their care.

When the parents die, whatever is left is the inheritance.

Could you formalise the caring arrangement a bit and on paper 'pay' yourself out of the gift? If there is notionally any of the gift left if, or when your parents go into care add that amount to a pot for care fees.

Even if you don't put any of the house in their name, a council can still reduce their contribution on the ground of deliberate deprivation on various grounds, the one I am thinking of is if its foreseeable that they would need care, also if they have no legal owbnership of any part of the house, the money could be classed as a gift which can also fall under the same rules. From what you have said about thir health, this may apply to them. On the other hand, it sounds as though they may have too much money to receive any financial support from SS so it may not apply in any case. https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/deprivation-of-assets/

A live-in carer typically costs not much less than a care home OP.

The annoyed sibling had an idea in their head of what they were 'guaranteed' to inherit.

What you are taking on is huge and don't let your sibling underestimate that by saying it's all about money.

A friend of a friend (sort of), moved back from overseas. There were a lot of siblings but the agreement was that him + new wife could have the family home if their father could live with him. So they re-did the whole house, including an annex for the dad. The dad was in his late 70s and not in great health. He lived another 20 years!

Will they have enough money left for a live in carer? I’m not sure how much it would cost but I imagine it would be a lot!

What do you think about showing the sibling a cost projection of a care home idea that a pp had, Op?

My mum and dad did this with my grandparents. My grandparents sold their property and gifted the money to my dad who bought a house with an annexe. The difference is that they had also given my dads sister a large amount of money.

it worked for many years but eventually my grandad died and my grandma was very ill. My dad looked after her for a long time and it was extremely hard and quite traumatic for him to be honest. Eventually she did have to go into a care home where she lived for a few years. The good thing from all this was that the only money spent on care fees was her savings and not my mum and dads house. My parents would not have been able to buy that house without my grandparents and it’s a very special house. The bad part was the stress and trauma my dad went through while caring for my grandma during those years. Make sure you are aware that that could happen to you and it is not something to take lightly.

You certainly will be doing a lot more for your parents than your siblings, but is it right that you are being ‘paid’ for it and if so, is it right that you’re being paid potentially hundreds of thousands of pounds? I can see why this looks like a grab to your siblings.

If actually you don’t want this house with an annexe and you’re only doing it for your parents, you could agree to sell when your parents pass and share the 35% owned by them with your siblings.

The fact that you haven’t offered this AND are not putting part of the house in trust/your parents’ name seems a bit fishy. Your parents’ offer is probably a good compromise, I just wouldn’t be painting the angry sibling as unreasonable because I don’t think is it.