It's an inheritence one...

Honestly this is definitely deprivation of assets and social services around here would definitely pursue this money. They have teams of people who do just this. You already know that your DPS need low level care and you are (in the view of the council) making a load of their assets unavailable for future care. I am concerned you have been given bad legal advice here. We pursue people who have given away a few thousand over the wedding gift limit or bought a load of jewellery let alone given 100,000s to an offspring.

This. If one of my kids pitches in with help as I age and the others don't bother, then I will be making sure the kid doing the work gets amply rewarded. Anything else is deeply unfair.

you are on the "care lite" end of care here. Are you ready to cope if it gets worse? I am not clear what you mean by DOA not being a problem. Are you saying that you think if they need care, they will die before they get to the level of need and funding where SS funding will be an issue?
To be clear....I have seen this work and work well. I have seen it work anywhere from less well to way less well. I have also seen it end up as a train wreck. All I am saying is that anybody who considers it goes in with their eyes open which the OP may not have done as well as she believes she has.

Tell your (ridiculous) angry sibling to move back to the country and look after your parents if they're not happy. Alternatively, tell them to find carers/an assistant living facility that your parents can afford and likely spend all the angry sibling's expected inheritance on.

I imagine that will shut them up.

In the meantime, draw up a contract/paperwork making it clear that the monies they are contributing is in exchange for the practical support you and your DH are providing to your parents going forward. You are entitled to be compensated for that without having to account for it out of any potential future inheritance.

Really kindly I think you are in cloud cuckoo land. So your mum becomes incontinent, you will let her sit in her own shit, the smell pervading the house until the carer comes for the next visit which could be in three hours?

OP we did this with my mum and it makes perfect sense to me. She spent her money on building an extension to our house so she has a whole little section of her own, and it suits everyone well, but we still share a kitchen.

I don't care for her or look after her.... but I do all admin and household repairs etc. multiple times a day I fetch things, check an email she doesn't recognise, explain why her iPhone isn't working, answer the phone because she can't hear it, carry her shopping, drive her to appointments, deal with her pension queries, help with her banking and on and on and on. I couldn't do this if she lived miles away.

Sibling is abroad and is delighted that he doesn't have to worry about her. Not at all fussed that she has invested money into our house because he knows we are looking after her in so many ways that he can't.

My only concern is, what happens if I die, but we have worked out that my sibling could take care of her abroad or basically buy her a little flat. Other than that it's really straightforward.

Given that your parents are only giving you 20% of their estate value I would be amazed if DOA is ever an issue as I'm sure their bills will be lower in the annexe so their total spending will go down. It's only 20%.

It's not always easy but it's great having them close by so you can help them instantly if needed.

This is fairly shocking! I am sure most people would be happy for their sibling to take a far larger financial share (if not all) in exchange for knowing their parents are well looked after later in life.

I would just say to your siblings that at this point what your parents finally decide to do with any inheritance is not your business.

Whether they increase or decrease any potential money you will get as a result of this is irrelevant as it's their choice and hopefully not one that is impacting the decision you are making to move in together. They may have plans on spending any other money themselves at this point if they haven't said anything it is not your / siblings to argue over. Would you still be happy with the moving arrangement if would reduce your future inheritance?

However your siblings may have a genuine concern regarding your parents finances in the near future as if all of their money is tied up in a house you own on paper then they are not in a very secure position. Siblings living abroad will not stop them having concerns for their parents - it doesn't sound like you will be the carer as you mention a possible live in carer and in this situation you are able to live in a house in an area you can otherwise not afford, and eventually you will end up with the house so possibly your siblings are more concerned that this move is more in your benefit than your parents?

I witnessed an elderly neighbour have raving dementia- it was very distressing for her, she was hallucinating and screaming-

Poor woman had to go into
care, and her home was indeed sold.

Thats what happened to my parent, I did 4 years of care but couldn’t keep her safe. The hardest years of my life, they needed to go into a home a lot earlier but my sibling didn’t want that.

The home costs £1650 per week plus they needs one to one care at night which is extra.

My goodness
Op is getting a crazily good deal here-
NO PERSONAL CARE?😂😂😂
I hope the local authority do come after the DOA as op wants the money with no actual CARE.

They're gifting me approx 20% of their total estate value, so it's a lot of money, but it's not swallowing the whole estate or anything.

I won't do any personal care for them except in an emergency. I don't want to, they don't want me to. I've always been very upfront about this, and so have they. I'm here to do things like help them with technology things they don't understand or can't do/drive them to appointments and attend with them if they need/want me to/put heavy things away or move them/do some batch cooking.

Based on the care you’ve outlined, there’s no need for them to actually live with you. Everything you listed can be accomplished with them buying their own property (which they can obviously afford) down the street / around the corner from you.

Dementia and becoming bed bound is the worst case scenario here.
I witnessed an elderly neighbour have raving dementia- it was very distressing for her, she was hallucinating and screaming-

Poor woman had to go into
care, and her home was indeed sold.

It’s likely not going to be simply running errands, though.
People go into care when they become victims of dementia - and pee and poo is not done in lavatories.

Would you be wanting to clean up poo and change pads and wash messy bedding?

It’s far from easy.

I definitely can empathise with feeling like you’ve turned into the parent! Living through that exact same thing myself 🤦‍♀️
it’s like having a very big stubborn toddler who wants you to do things their way sometimes!!

There is no guarantee that they won't need care. None of us like to think of our parents becoming frail and incapacitated. Just because OP lives there it doesn't mean they won't ever need specialist care such as a hoist to get them out of bed or be able to get them off the floor if they've had a fall or help them walk if they need support.

I agree there are a lot of pitfalls with this plan, and it is not something I would do, having been through the ‘mother needing care’ scenario. She has dementia, she had at-home care to begin with, and has now been in a care home for 7 years. I considered a live-in carer but it would have ripped through her money a lot quicker than the care home fees did. With at home care you have to consider not just the cost of the carer, but council tax, heating, food (and in my mother’s case, rent). Her care home room costs £1100 p.w.

The problem is that what happens next with elderly parents is completely unpredictable. They could die within a year or they could live for 10+ years and need years of expensive professional care.

You aren’t doing any actual ‘care’ for them so you don’t need to be on site. Personally I would be looking at them having their own small property nearby (doesn’t have to be a bungalow, could be a flat) with bought-in care as needed whether at-home or care home. Then they get the care they need and everything is transparent.

You absolutely need to put something in place to protect your parents if you predecease your husband, OP. I had it in my will for my mum.

My mother and my PIL all had live-in carers at different stages and whilst it is a huge help in some ways, it is not like outsourcing being a child of a disabled parent to someone else. The parent still leans on you hugely and you still find yourself devoting substantial parts of your daily time to sorting things out for them.

So if you were caring for them and you died would he be happy to then become their carer?
I'm widowed. This happened to me. Not sharing a property but becoming the carer. The point of contact. The person who ordered the incontinence pads and dealt with the care agency and the GP and adult social care. Worrying about it while on holiday etc. What happens if they need a home but refuse. Again, this was the situation i was in. It was hard work. Heartbreaking at times.

Her DH will own it & OP naively thinks that even if he gets remarried & has more kids, he’ll keep her parents living with him because he’s “honourable”.

OP seems to have overlooked his new partner / wife having any say in the situation & what would happen if her DH was forced into making a choice between any new partner / new kids & her parents. Somehow I can’t see him being willing to split up with a new partner & live apart from any new children just to keep his ex in laws living with him but that’s just my opinion. Personally I think if he was truly honourable then he’d absolutely prioritise any new partner / new children.

All of this. I am the one who mentioned deliberate deprivation. I used to work for the NHS in the community and the next bit I am going to say sounds horrible but its true. The deliberate deprivation thing has been going on for years....at least the last 30, maybe longer BUT as councils have become more strapped for the cash, they have been applying it more and also more stringently. I retired 14 years ago and we were seeing it happening then as more people were living longer and there was more call for support from the council budget. The assessment process doesn't go through an independent body and the council don't have to prove the decision although it does have to stay within the rules of the scheme. Yes you can appeal but I don't think many cases get the decision reversed or at least didn't to my knowledge. Also, which no one has mentioned, if the money they will spend won't result in any ownership of the house for your parents, it can be deemed a gift and they will have to survive for 7 years after the gift for you to avoid IHT. I won't say whether its a good idea or not or whether your sibs are being reasonable or not but do check carefully what you are doing...also do you realise that a separate dwelling whether connected to the house or not will be liable for separate council tax....not sure if this has already been mentioned.

This is reasonable and correct for the siblings to see it from this POV.

Current frothing from siblings - no.

You'll be the one doing everything. Buying new undies, taking out their rubbish, ferrying them here there and everywhere , washing their soiled clothes. Having them over for dinner, socialising with them etc etc. Whilst it's completely lovely and you will no doubt be grateful, it's easy for the siblings not to realise. For them it's a 20 mins on the phone once a week and 48 hours over Xmas. They can't possibly understand all that you do and will have to do to take care of them. My auntie did it all and I still don't think my mum realises as I lived closer and visited more than she did!
What you are doing is totally fair - they could always swap!

If you die tomorrow who owns the house.

There are the offspring that do the graft and there are the offspring that sit back and pick up the cheque.

You are the one they are the other.