To think my friend is truly awful for doing this?

He's not a victim. He abandoned his kid for 6 months.

Wow fascinating poll results just shows how this place is full of men haters who’d justify any morally bankrupt behaviour so long as a man was the victim. Wow just wow 😳

Maybe that’s why she is doing this actually. He’s unpredictable and once walked out on her while she was pregnant and stayed away until the child was 6 months. The child is still only 2 with ages to go until they turn 18 and perhaps the mother is assuming he is unreliable based on personal experience and is planning ahead for if the child support suddenly dries up again, which it often the case.

I agree it’s not honest but I would just pretend I never heard it. The friend was not very smart to brag about it. I probably would double check anything she charged me too to be on the safe side.

Children need care & if the father won't do it, he needs to buy in that service to cover his obligation for 50% of every minute of every day. Even at minimum wage, that's almost £1k per week. So no, he's not being swindled in my opinion. It's the swathes of bad fathers who offload their care responsibilities to women & expect that labour for free who are the swindlers here. Not a woman who knows the worth of her time & efforts.

Yet strangely he had insufficient concerns about her character to have sex with her, and found her intolerable only at the point a baby resulted. What an unfortunate coincidence. Particularly for the blameless child he ignored.

Reading the op again I am not sure that the friend is doing anything wrong. She is getting her ex to pay the true cost of childcare while finding ways of making savings on it at her end to her own benefit. Is she really getting anything extra by using her work
holiday allowance to spend a day with her dc? Holiday allowance is not finite. Her ex has to step up and pay his dues. How she finds ways to make savings to her and her child’s benefit is nobody else’s business. I couldn’t begrudge a single parent for finding ways to make her and her child’s lives a bit easier.

I'd be hard pressed to give a fuck really.
I say this as a single parent who knows that, no matter how generous or how much a father is made to pay, it's never really even half when all things are taken into account.
And don't come at me with the "but babies cost nothing etc etc" Not true and CS will never be a truly equal contribution 🤷‍♀️

No. Life is full of situations where our rights and control over consequences is limited to a particular window of opportunity, and if we fail to excercise our rights at the time we must live with the consequences. Men have that window of opportunity only at the time of conception. This is not news, women have had the sole right to decide to continue a pregnancy for quite some time now, and men know this. Its their job to use their only opportunity to excercise their own rights wisely, not the job of women to shield them from the consequences of their folly if they don't.

She shouldn’t have told you. She shouldn’t tell anyone but I don’t think I could judge her in the circumstances. He left her in the lurch and now she is taking her revenge. Not nice but there it is. Tell her that you would rather not know stuff like that and warn her to keep it to herself.

If you don’t like her then let her go.

Yes.

But this woman clearly did want a baby, or she would have terminated.

Until I know more about how he cares and has cared for his child I can’t pass judgement on her. Think it’s crazy you don’t think that’s relevant to this post.

He definitely should’ve seen the baby. I agree that makes him a dick.

I wouldn't tell her ex, but maybe your DH could helpfully mention to him that he could save money by paying the nursery fees via tax-free childcare? If he set up an account and paid the nursery directly then he'd save 20%. And as it happens, he'd also benefit by not paying his scamming ex for her fake extra day each week....

Is this her overall character? Does she do this kind of thing in every aspect of her life? Or even one or two other aspects? If yes then you should distance yourself. If not then she is probably still heartbroken and using his money to feel better about the situation. That is not healthy way to heal and she puts her daughter at risk of more strained relationship with her father If he finds out. Ultimately she is lying and therefore stealing.

Yeah I'd change my tone towards someone like this too.

I also had a shit ex but as much as he was crap and didn't pull his weight I would never have felt justified to lower myself to his standards by lying and conning him.

Perhaps get your DH to suggest to your friend he gets nursery bill and invoice sent direct to him and pays directly as you can get tax free childcare if you're paying it.

His behaviour crap, as is hers. I'd be distancing myself

So he really isn’t pulling his weight! And didn’t even help or support his child in the crucial first few months of his baby’s life. So effectively she is doing most of the childcare, not to mention the responsibility and mental load. Absolutely I wouldn’t judge her for this at all, and would book the holiday with her. She has been very honest with you, which is all that matters.

I bet he stole her mental health and sleep when he didn't pitch in for SIX MONTHS. I like men, hate errant fathers.

Yes she’s being dishonest and I wouldn’t want to profit from her dishonesty but do you think your H would be as indignant as you if his colleague was paying fuck all or paying himself a low wage on paper to pay peanuts her peanuts, I don’t think so.

For every woman scamming their Ex, there’s hundreds of men paying zero or next to zero and society gives zero fucks.

Rubbish, fuck him.

I totally agree and applaud her. He'll wriggle out of it when he wises up. I bet he does zero mental load or practical help, he owes her.

It’s a little relevant in that he does no practical parenting. But I’d say to her I hope she’s saving for when he realises, goes back to paying minimum and refuses to pitch in for anything else without an itemised pre paid receipt. Quite justifiably.

It's not your business at all. Don't involve yourself. Clearly your friend's ex isn't perfect, how can anyone not see their child for 6 months? It's right that a man should pay for his own child. Would you prefer to personally pick up the financial slack?

Not your business.

I think you need to get off your high horse tbh.

This friend sounds like she is a single mum who doesn’t get much of a break because of this shitbag. I say fuck him.

Also, he clearly isn’t that interested in his child’s life or costs of anything if he doesn’t even know about tax free childcare. Surely she is eligible for it so that’s on her ex to know about it.