To think my friend is truly awful for doing this?

As she is the one with the child and doing all the hard work, cooking, washing, ironing, being on hand in the middle of the night, looking after the child when it's sick then I understand why she is doing it. Men get away with a lot of responsibility, they leave women to struggle and he was no where to be seen for 6 months! It's her business not yours, you don't know what has gone on between them either and it doesn't mean she is a bad person or will treat someone else like this. She has trusted you to tell you this. I wouldn't let it ruin your friendship.

He didn’t have primary custody, there was no formal arrangement in place as they weren’t married. Honestly, he was shit scared of her because she had form, he was worried any rocking of the boat would cause her to withhold contact and so he was basically a massive pushover.
He had DSD so much due to exes night shift patterns, and was then told DSD was in nursery all day due to ex sleeping after night shift, which was fair. However, DSD wasn’t in every day so the bills were much less than expected, he was paying her what he believed was half but in reality it was most or all of the bill. Nursery only sent the bills to primary contact, which was ex, and he trusted what she was telling him. He didn’t really have any reason to ask so never suspected. Until the statement was sent when DSD moved nursery and it was obvious what was happening.

Over a decade down the line he is still wary of her tantrums and makes sure not to rock the boat.

He had primary care of his child because his ex works shifts but she was threatening to withhold contact and not let the nursery tell him how much it cost?

This is bizarre. All he had to do was ask.

And how can she withdraw contact if he has primary custody?

It's none of your business so unless she's a bad friend to you don't get yourself worked up over it or end the friendship. Going forward just don't talk to her about financial issues so then you can't feel anything about what she does.

If her ex doesn't know what she's paying for childcare it's his problem, he should be shouldering some of the responsibilities when sorting things for his child.

He's legally entitled to information from the nursery. And she shouldn't be able to withhold contact because he obviously has a court order outlining when he should have his kid.

He could have asked when he was there a billion days a week picking the kid up while paying all that money to his ex (who, naturally kicked Mr perfect out and moved someone else in immediatly).

Weird how he had his kid 6 days a week and didn't go for residency, and didn't even think about renegotiating maintenece, was able to pick the kid up but the nursery didn't tell him a single thing about anything on the exes say so as well, and also somehow wasn't aware that the kid was only in 2 days a week although he was super heavily involved.

These guys must get pulled aside in school and given a script honestly, the sheer amount of men who have exactly the same story is astounding, and the sheer amount of women who blindly believe it until they are also, apparently, the money grabbing psycho shit parent ex as well (no judgement, I was also that idiot who believed it all, but I was 19 at the time).

I'm sure it will all work out for you though, since you don't question a thing he says, these guys like that in a woman 💐

OK hun 😂

It’s because it’s extremely hard to effectively coparent with an utter c*nt. One who threatens to withhold contact at the slightest thing, one who refuses to share any information in regards to things like nursery such as bills and such and tells the nursery not to provide the information, one who has an expectation that everything should be done her way or the highway. When you’re being told to pay the money or you won’t see your kid, you pay the money through fear of that coming true. You have an expectation that the bill is a certain amount if the child is going 5 days, but if you find out the child is actually only going 2-3 days per week a year or two after the fact then how could you have known??
like I said, I don’t expect you to know but you’ve made assumptions that are clearly wrong.
so I’ll make my own and call bullshit on your “good relationships” because you sound like an idiot.
I’m done arguing with morons on the internet today. Have a good one xx

No, I meant the fact that he apparently had no clue about the costs involved in parenting and was just bountifully giving her money and giving himself a pat on the back for being so generous. Parenting is about more than money, you know. If he had his child 90% of the time, why did he have no idea how much nursery cost?

I've actually never been married, though I do have a daughter with an ex, and we luckily have a brilliant co-parenting relationship. I also have a great relationship with my daughter's step-mum. Me and my ex have a 50/50 arrangement and we make decisions together, share costs, and both know exactly what's going on in our daughter's life, including how much things cost.

Reading MN makes me realise just how lucky we are, actually. (I'm genuinely very thankful we've managed to make it work, I know it's not easy)

I don’t actually know what you mean by that, other than you might think that he left the family unit, which wasn’t the case. His ex cheated on him and asked him to leave to move her new fella in.
I don’t expect you to know the ins and outs of other people’s lives, making an assumption is truly making an ass out of yourself and honestly it doesn’t really bother me if you believe what I say or not.
i do, however, know of many women who have behaved just as abhorrently as men in these situations. Just as the OP has found.
But you are clearly an ex wife and have a hatred of step mothers so I can see what you responded negatively to me.
Hope you have a lovely day and your positivity makes an appearance 💐

If he was so involved, why was he so UNinvolved with the practicalities of being a parent? I call bullshit.

There aren't.

There are a lot of new wives and partners who buy into the lies their shiny new husband tells them and think that's the case though.

If you think most men out there are paying a penny over the legally required minimum then you're very sadly mistaken, and the minimum is an absolute pittance.

As for withholding contact, it does happen on occasion for sure, but most men who say it just can't be arsed and blame their ex, or they have fucked their kid around so much the mum has told them to take them to court (and they don't bother).

Oh come on, read the post properly.

I said as many women who swindle men, not as many men like my DH.
yes, I absolutely think there are as many women who inflate costs, withhold contact or are generally arseholes as there are deadbeat dads who pay nothing and never see the kids.

I just couldn’t get angry about this. Do you think that the measly percentage of his salary he pays is actually enough of a contribution towards his daughter? Short answer, doubt it.

Oh come on.

You really think there are just as many men paying 'generous' maintenence, also having the kid 5/6 nights a week, yet, inexplicably, not being involved enough with the nursery to figure out the payments, as there are guys who bugger off and pay the absolute minimum they can get away with and aren't involved?

My DH’s ex did this and he found out when they had to change nursery and the old nursery sent a statement. He found out he’d been paying the whole nursery bill most months, on top of a generous maintenance payment and at a time where he was having DSD 5/6 nights a week, including all weekends, due to exes shift patterns.
There are just as many women who swindle men as there are deadbeat dads unfortunately.

I would tell her that she’s got even and now needs to tell him she’s reduced DD’s hours at nursery and actually charge him the right amount! He’s only got to talk to someone innocently to discover she’s entitled to tax free childcare or however it works and then he’ll withdraw all support except the bare minimum…. She needs to tell him she’s claiming xyz now and he can pay less…. He’ll think she’s being honest and appreciate it and she will actually for once be being honest.

Agree with the above.

@SharpAzurePanda An absent father is far more economically, socially and emotionally harmful for society and children, than a woman fudging things to get a bit more money for her and her child.
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Hear hear.

You sound awfully bitter that she has more disposable income than yourself! And partner perhaps helps out less? Raising children is bloody expensive more than any child maintenance would be. And you give no back story on how involved the dad was as a parent.

How disinterested and selfish must he be to not even ask to actually see his child’s nursery bill? He’s very foolish. Serves him right. Zero sympathy.

precisely, the bias in the post you’re commenting on is so evident and sadly reflective of what’s wrong with society. Men get let off so easily.

An absent father is far more economically, socially and emotionally harmful for society and children, than a woman fudging things to get a bit more money for her and her child.

... and both of those things would also mean he is a poor parent!

The child might not want to stay at his overnight, or maybe he can't be trusted to take proper care of her?

“Greedy, bitter, grabbing” women are a shame on womanhood but absent, unbothered, feckless fathers are what? One thing? Misunderstood ? Re-married? Moving on?

Feckless fathers are one thing, but greedy, bitter, grabbing women are a shame on womanhood. I’d take great pleasure in telling this man
Who has apparently never questioned such an apparently super high amount. You really believe that? He's just ponying up the cash no questions asked?
Op might be embellishing because fathers who don't see their children generally hold on to their $$ very, very tightly.

And when you took great pleasure in telling this man, you'd also be ok with the child being the collateral damage of your malice? Because it is ALWAYS the child that will suffer. It is the child who benefits from child maintenance no matter what the really bitter ones some stepparents and fathers insist. The child.
I know which person I'd rather know 🤷‍♀️