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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hubby of 20 years over a sandwich

139 replies

Mumto5kiddies · 01/05/2024 12:24

I do the shopping, hubby very rarely does. On the way home today from an appointment with one of the kids I asked if he could nip to a supermarket and get some toilet roll(to add he’s the one in the house that spends most of their time on the toilet). He grabbed the toilet roll and came in with a sandwich for him and DD.

I know I’m tired and have a lot going on health wise but I got annoyed that he didn’t even think of calling me and saying do you want a sandwich as I’m buying for myself and DD.

So he’s come in and I’ve said it’s annoyed and upset me that I shop for everybody and make sure I buy for everybody but I didn’t even cross his mind which prompted the child in him to storm into the kitchen and dramatically throw the sandwich away instead of eating it, it wasn’t opened so I took it out and put it in the fridge. He then asked me what my problem was and he can’t do anything right.

If I shop and see something I think he would like I always buy it for him but he pretty much eats anything whereas I’m a picky eater.

Would you be annoyed/upset or AIBU?

OP posts:
diddl · 01/05/2024 16:59

then I have to send a picture list

As in pictures of what you need?

I think even if he couldn't see a suitable sandwich he could probably have found something.

Or for example that the cheese ones didn't look very good & you had nicer bread & cheese at home.

It's the not thinking about you at all isn't it?

JeysusH · 01/05/2024 16:41

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 01/05/2024 16:24

Oh God yes.

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You're definitely focusing on the right thing there.

I get it OP, when you're the person that spends their life thinking about other people's needs it's just the absolute carelessness to your needs that hurts. As though you're just an adjunct with no desires or feelings of your own. That's the kind of thing the breaks marriages.

And he may not have meant to be thoughtless, it requires no effort after all. He most certainly needs to learn to become thoughtful to you, as not only his wife, and the facilitator of the family, but as an individual.

I think a serious conversation is needed, not just about the sandwich, but about your role within the family.

I'd certainly, as part of that conversation, make it clear that you won't be doing everyone else's thinking for them in future.

Remembermetoonewholivedthere · 01/05/2024 16:36

Of course you are not in the wrong op. It’s common courtesy to ask your partner if you can pick up something for them if you are the one in the supermarket. Or you take the initiative and get something anyway if that’s not possible, especially if you are buying lunch for yourself and child!

My dh has a phrase that says”if you have to ask someone if they need something or if they need help then you are already too late”

And anyway, his reaction was really ridiculous. It betrays the fact that he was pissed off being told to buy loo roll, or he felt guilty at being caught out.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 01/05/2024 16:33

Mumto5kiddies · 01/05/2024 16:28

😂imagine being triggered by the word hubby.

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I am! It’s bloody awful! But I would also fight for your right to use it, if you must, and yes, he absolutely should have bought you a sandwich.

Original poster
Mumto5kiddies · 01/05/2024 16:30

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 01/05/2024 16:26

It’s bloody hideous.

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So is C U Next Tuesday but I thought I’d see if other people thought I was BU instead. Now I see it’s more fitting for people triggered by the word hubby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumto5kiddies · 01/05/2024 16:28

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 01/05/2024 16:24

Oh God yes.

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😂imagine being triggered by the word hubby.

OP posts:
AGodawfulsmallaffair · 01/05/2024 16:26

Crunchymum · 01/05/2024 13:50

Folk round here don't like "hubby" (Or "hub" or "bubba" or "bubs")

Must admit I kind of agree.

It’s bloody hideous.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 01/05/2024 16:24

GucciBear · 01/05/2024 13:32

I think that your unreasonableness is in referring to him as "hubby"!! Does he call you "hun" in retaliation.?

Oh God yes.

Nanny0gg · 01/05/2024 16:21

@Mumto5kiddies YANBU

Original poster
Mumto5kiddies · 01/05/2024 14:49

AnnieSF · 01/05/2024 14:42

Is there more to all of this than just this sandwich incident?

Maybe I’m just being oversensitive today and things have come to a head. I just feel that I’ve been with this man 20 years, birthed 6 of his children(we have an angel), fed him and the kids nearly everyday, deal with nearly everything to do with the house and kids and the thought of I wondered if my wife might want a sandwich too didn’t even cross his mind. That’s why I posted. I want to see impartial opinions.

OP posts:
fantasmasgoria1 · 01/05/2024 14:42

How can someone say it sounds like you nag a lot just from one post? Unless you have spent a decent amount of time with the couple how would you know? OP I think he was a bit thoughtless to be honest.

AnnieSF · 01/05/2024 14:42

Is there more to all of this than just this sandwich incident?

Bumblebeeinatree · 01/05/2024 14:35

You were pretty abrupt with him. I would probably have said where's mine? To which the reply would probably be something like sorry I didn't think you would want one. And that would be about the end of it. There would be stuff in the fridge if I did want a sandwich anyway, so no big deal unless he had bought something really really good in which case I would have demanded half!

Original poster
Mumto5kiddies · 01/05/2024 14:29

He has subsequently gone out and got me a coffee and chocolate twist from a well known coffee shop as he felt guilty.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 01/05/2024 14:26

SallyWD · 01/05/2024 14:15

As a one off I'd let it pass. If he's consistently thoughtless and selfish then I'd be upset.

I'm sorry to hear it's not a one off. So there are bigger issues in your relationship then?

My immediate thought about the sandwich was I'd never think to buy a sandwich for someone who was in the house. I feel like supermarket sandwiches are quite horrible, made in a factory and just not very appealing. I only ever eat them when absolutely desperate! If someone was in the house I'd assume they could make a much nicer sandwich themselves. If I was buying something more interesting (like a take away or a nice pie from a bakery etc) then I'd always ask DH if he wants one too. But a supermarket sandwich when he's in the house? No way - not when there's nice bread, cheese and ham at home!

CustardySergeant · 01/05/2024 14:23

exomoon · 01/05/2024 13:44

prompted the child in him to storm into the kitchen and dramatically throw the sandwich away

The fact he would prefer to throw the sandwich in the bin rather than offer it to you says a lot.

How could he offer it to the OP? It had egg in it and the OP is allergic to egg.

Original poster
Mumto5kiddies · 01/05/2024 14:20

Dartmoorcheffy · 01/05/2024 14:03

I would have just let it go, its just a sandwich, not a huge takeaway meal. you knew he was at the shop, and you asked him to get loo roll, you didn't ask for a sandwich. Yes he could have rang to ask if you wanted one when he got hid but equally you could have mentioned it to him if you were hungry. Just a lack of communication on both sides here.

But I didn’t know he was getting lunch for himself and DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumto5kiddies · 01/05/2024 14:19

SallyWD · 01/05/2024 14:15

As a one off I'd let it pass. If he's consistently thoughtless and selfish then I'd be upset.

Not a one off sadly but today I had a go and got the above reaction so I thought I would ask on here to see if I was BU.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 01/05/2024 14:15

As a one off I'd let it pass. If he's consistently thoughtless and selfish then I'd be upset.

RedRobyn2021 · 01/05/2024 14:13

Of course you aren't being unreasonable, aside from the fact you constantly think of his and your children's needs, it wouldn't have taken much for him to ask or get you something.

Original poster
Mumto5kiddies · 01/05/2024 14:06

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 01/05/2024 13:57

I must admit sometimes I get a sandwich for myself if I am in a shop and don't ask DP if he wants one because he is such a picky eater I can't be bothered to search forever for something he will eat.
In my defence though I do 100% of cooking at home so I think I am entitled to the odd ready made sandwich while he makes his own.

I do nearly all the shopping unless I’m too unwell then I have to send a picture list of what we need, I do all the cooking, I pay all bills, deal with all appointments for us and the 5 children, deal with the SEN children’s EHCP’s and tribunals, book parents evenings, book and top up the children’s lunches, sort the car insurance, servicing and repairs, sort home repairs etc. He was works full time.

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 01/05/2024 14:03

I would have just let it go, its just a sandwich, not a huge takeaway meal. you knew he was at the shop, and you asked him to get loo roll, you didn't ask for a sandwich. Yes he could have rang to ask if you wanted one when he got hid but equally you could have mentioned it to him if you were hungry. Just a lack of communication on both sides here.

GoldDuster · 01/05/2024 14:00

Yes he was selfish for not grabbing you a cheese sandwich, and he was even more unreasonable for having a tantrum and throwing his own sandwich in the bin in response to being asked why.

I've got teenagers who behave better.

Crunchymum · 01/05/2024 14:00

exomoon · 01/05/2024 13:58

Not worth the deletion!

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We don't have to all agree, but at least own it. I certainly wouldn't feel the need to report it.

exomoon · 01/05/2024 13:58

Crunchymum · 01/05/2024 13:58

You didn't have to edit. I don't mind being told to piss off!!

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Not worth the deletion!