AIBU to hubby of 20 years over a sandwich

Some men are so stupid and thick. They all come out with the same bloody shitty lines. Can't do anything right? So, are you on at him? Is he always making mistakes? I suspect not so he's just trying to gaslight you.

Stop doing everything. Make him do at least half.

I think a bit of context is needed. DH walked into shop to buy loo paper, He was hungry so bought a sandwich. DD was hungry too so DH bought one for her. It was only a sandwich not some luxury food. There is no suggestion that his thought process was - DW would like a sandwich - no let’s not bother.
I can imagine other MNs posts complaining that either
DH bought a sandwich for himself but refused to buy one for DD or
DH wasted money buying three sandwiches costing about £10 when he could have made 15 sandwiches for that amount of money.
So it does seem to me that your DH can’t do right for doing wrong. Had he bought 2 luxury cream cakes, but not one for you, I would understand your upset, but a sandwich???

It’s not about the sandwich. It’s the fact that you are not in his thoughts. Of course it hurts to never be thought of when you think constantly about him and the family.
And as for the “I can never do anything right” that’s probably because he half asses everything or doesn’t even try.
He is a dick and instead of him taking accountability and just apologising he has ignored and belittled your feelings because you do not matter to him.

Whether he ever shops or not isn't the point. He bought sandwiches for himself and DD and gave no thought to buying one for you. Very rude; very inconsiderate.

I had a similar argument at the weekend. My husband said he was going to nip into Greggs so I asked for a sausage roll. He got me a sausage roll and got himself a steak bake and a donut. I got all upset that he didn't get me a donut and he argued that I didn't ask for one. He was correct of course but if getting myself a treat I would always get him one. It's the lack of thought that's annoying.

It's death by a thousand cuts in the end.

I'd be upset about this too.

Like a previous poster said, he could have easily picked up a sandwich for you and put it in the fridge if it wasn't right. But instead he didn't spare a single thought for you, even though he picked up lunch for two people.

Sounds like the straw that broke the camels back.

Maray - yep. I did this, and I was clear about why, and what was happening. Of course it really was just yet another realisation that the relationship was doomed (unless I wanted to be his servant for the rest of my life)

When my ex forgot (me and the kids often) and pulled the 'you're bad for making me feel bad' stunt (most notably when I got the silent treatment for days when it came up in conversation that he'd forgotten my 40th birthday last week - not even accusingly, I was completely used to my birthday going un-remarked - it happened more often than not in the years I was with him) I stopped bothering to even mention it, and would just do something extra for myself (took me and the kids shopping and bought us some lovely new bedding/nice lunch out without him)

I would have sent him back in the shop to get one for me. But in this situation I’m fairly sure my dh would have called me to ask if I wanted one

no need for his immature behaviour throwing it in the bin

I agree with this - but you need to push back hard against this. You say loudly and clearly what you’ve been doing and what you’re now stopping - until he does XYZ - and stick to it.

My dh would always have got me something and vice versa, even if I'd eaten he'd have grabbed me a small chocolate bar. Sounds like he simply doesn't consider you in his thought process. Did he throw it away in a tantrum because he was embarrassed he's not even given you a second thought?

Yanbu my dh never does this. He always gets me something too or calls to ask what I'd like.

I think the phrase I can’t do anything right is possibily the most passive-aggressive turn of phrase someone can use. XH said it..a lot. Somehow it twists things so that if you complain about one thing, they imply that you’re overly critical about everything despite how hard they try. It stops any arguments from being resolved because it diverts away from what you’re complaining about to making you defend yourself for being critical. PP accused you of ‘nagging’ - there’s anothe thread where someone asks if they were a nag. Lots of people joining in saying nagging is a misogynistic term and saying nagging is essentially having to ask multiple times for someone to be done. XH used to say ‘stop nagging me’. I said ‘if you’d do it the first time I asked I wouldn’t have to “nag” and ask you repeatedly!’. Note he is an X for many reasons, but his passive-aggressive attitude meant we never resolved anything. He constantly flipped the blame on to me. I asked too much of him apparently. Life is far more peaceful without him living here.

He was probably expecting lots of praise for going over and above the brief and feeding his child.

If you can pull back dramatically on what you do temporarily and let it all go to shit for a while (minus the kids stuff obviously) he might begin to see all you do, appreciate it more and take it for granted less.

A lot of the time they don't. They see it as you being unreasonable and punishing them for things that aren't 'their fault' (see my previous comment about feeling bad, and rather than learning from it, blame you for making them feel bad)

The trouble is they get used to having stuff done for them, and stop seeing it as a privilege, but as a right - the baseline, so when you stop doing it, they feel they've gone below the baseline and are being punished. Where really, they were getting above baseline treatment and just not realising it.

He then asked me what my problem was and he can’t do anything right.

Ugh - I hate that - he's angry that you made him feel bad because he knows that what he did was thoughtless, so he turns it around on you to make you feel bad because he feels bad rather than just bloody apologising (and being less thoughtless in future) like an adult

Why do threads descend into semantic snobbery and posters falling all over themselves to defend the shit actions of a man, and even blame them on the woman? (“It sounds like you nag him a lot…”)

Of course you weren’t unreasonable, OP. And I can’t understand the weirdos on here who claim they think you are.

The bar is so low for some here they will justify your husband of 20 years not being able to hold you in mind. Don’t let them make you think you were being unreasonable. Do take this as a sign though that it’s time you started thinking more about your own needs and stop going above and beyond when it’s not reciprocated. If you can pull back dramatically on what you do temporarily and let it all go to shit for a while (minus the kids stuff obviously) he might begin to see all you do, appreciate it more and take it for granted less.

if its not a one off you have a problem ont get him treats anymore just bog standard food- you sound like you do everything at home and he just doesnt think about you

I think you've both over reacted and you have a communication problem

Your "hubby" of 20 years clearly has issues.
I have got one for that long too, however,
cannot imagine he'd behave like that.
Maybe he had a bad crap in the morning.
Sorry.🙄

@Mumto5kiddies

yanbu op

It’s the casual thoughtlessness that finally ends so many relationships. Sorry OP.

YANBU OP my husband always asks or gets me something. And I haven't even birthed any of his children ... Yet.

In which case of course YABU. He was just buying a sandwich.