AIBU to hubby of 20 years over a sandwich

It's his use of the phrase 'I can't do anything right' that puzzles me.

My ex used that too. No idea why.

I don't know if he says that for sympathy (if so it didn't work with me when mine said it) or if he genuinely felt like that.

Which in my case I don't get as I asked him to do very little. Much like yourself. Compared to me doing the lions share.

Perhaps you need to ask him what he meant by that as you are not sure what all he feels he's done wrong as you've not been made aware of anything. So what did he mean?

That could cast some light if this is more than just a forgotten sandwich. Which there must have been a thought princess behind (perhaps he didn't want to get the wrong thing as he knows your dietary issues and found that stressful, in which case he just needs reminded that if he rang or phoned you then you could have told him what you'd like from the available choices).

Which is why I used the word “step”. It suggests there are other steps afterwards, without saying we all have to take the same steps.

YANBU on the whole, however I do wonder if he’s brought something before and you being a self proclaimed picky eater has complained about what he’s brought, or he’s rung you before and spent 10 minutes of his life reading them all out to you to try and find something you’ll deign to eat. If it was likely to be hard work or wrong, I probably wouldn’t bring one either.

I also had this realisation in my first marriage, but instead of ignoring and minimising my valid feelings of resentment frustration disappointment and anger, I got myself a divorce and found someone to have a relationship with who doesn't give rise to any of those feelings, because he is not a selfish arsehole.

However, horses for courses.

Exactly!
this is the reason my husband doesn’t buy food for me!

The first massive realisation in my marriage was that I cannot expect my husband to think like I do and remember the things I am conscious of.

it might be reasonable to feel this way but it doesn’t mean he did it intentionally.

frustrating as it is, plus his childish behaviour, his brain may just be wired completely differently to your’s.

i’m not saying you’re at fault. What you experienced is what i experience every day in my marriage.

accepting my husbands brain is different to mine is a massive step towards managing my resentment frustration disappointment anger.

realising he has ADHD was also a massive step but i’ll there as I have no idea of the inner workings of your husbands brain.

Didn't you just ask him why he didn't get you anything? Honestly I'd be so surprised if my DH did that, it would be the first question out of my mouth - didn't you get me a sandwich? Why not?!

Such a pass agg move to take the sandwich back out the bin. You had to know that would escalate things.

I’m with you. It’s weird. It doesn’t mean he’s generally a thoughtless person or a bad husband or he doesn’t love you but it was a thoughtless act. I had something similar recently with my husband. I do most of the cooking in the house. We usually both work from home. I finish between 5 and 5:30 whereas he doesn’t usually finish until after 7 so I just cook dinner as that is what makes sense. A couple of weeks ago I had to go into the office for a change so wouldn’t be home until 6pm. He needed to go out in the evening at 6:30 so I wouldn’t have time to cook dinner and for him to eat it before he needed to leave so I suggested he go to the supermarket at lunch time to buy pizza that could be heated up quickly in the evening. When I got home he was just putting the pizza in the oven. Just one pizza, enough for him. The kids hadn’t been fed and I needed dinner too. It hadn’t occurred to him to buy more than just what he needed. I calmly queried it as I wouldn’t have considered buying myself a pizza and not thought about what the rest of the family would need, but he just snapped at me that he does enough work around here. I don’t disagree that he works hard at his job plus does a lot of housework and house admin. It was just really inconceivable that he could buy himself a pizza and not the rest of us, especially when he knew I’d be back from
work later than usual. Plus we can definitely afford it so that isn’t a reason. Good people can make odd choices and sometimes react in weird ways when challenged, probably because they know you’re right.

Okay, GoldDuster, I give up. I used a light-hearted phrase in sympathy with the OP (this is AIBU, after all, not FWR) and clarified when you challenged me — but okay, if you need total capitulation you can have it.

Of course men aren't one homogeneous lump etcetera. I have more than 40 years of radical lesbian feminism under my belt, I really don't need the finger-wagging Feminism 101 lecture.

I don't think it's at all helpful to classify any behaviour as "a man thing", it's just the adult equivalent of "boys will be boys" and it's spectacularly unhelpful.

Men do not move as one homogenous lump, neither do women. If an individual, such as OP, finds herself in a relationship with a selfish one, then it's the behaviour of that particular selfish one that needs addressing, not ho hum that's what they're like, and part of the bargain for having one in the house.

Most especially if you have kids, they will overhear and take on board this "it's a man thing" and go out and create more of the same for themselves. It's not helpful for anyone.

Just on the nagging point, I do think it's hard to recover a relationship once it's got to the point of Person A repeatedly asking for things that Person B proceeds to not do. It's possible Person A's demands are just unreasonable, however in most cases it's a case of Person B not respecting Person A's requests/time/energy/Person A in general.

Simplest solution is that if Person B doesn't give a shit about sharing the workload with Person A or just perpetually sees Person A's demands as unreasonable, then unless Person B changes then the relationship is always going to continue with this dynamic.

My mum was a bit of a nag, but it was largely self-inflicted in her case as she saw other people's methods for carrying out tasks as 'wrong' so would micromanage every bloody thing, so people in the household obviously weren't keen to take on the workload unless absolutely necessary.

Sometimes it's a case of Person A (AKA the nagger) not recognising everything that their partner (Person B) does for them - they're just tunnel-visioned about particular tasks or issues. In these cases, you may as well accept that this task is yours to do but Person B can pick up other tasks to make the task-sharing equitable.

I’m with you op. I have very low tolerance for ‘I can’t do anything right’ - yes you can as soon as it matters to you. The problem is when it matters to me you can’t be bothered so you do get it wrong. Effort in is often directly related to success of the outcome here.

I think this is wild! Why would he have bought you a sandwich when you were at home and it takes two minutes to make one?

I’m also truly amazed that people buy sandwiches to then eat them at home. Honestly don’t think I’ve ever done that. If me or DH are out with the kids and buy lunch we’d never think of buying for the other, unless it was something to cook at home?

That's true, certainly, but I've never met a man complaining about his wife not taking him into consideration when it comes to food/ sandwiches — but loads of women who live with a man like this.

@Abeona it's not a man thing, it's a selfish dickhead thing.

I think it's a man thing, OP. A friend of mine has been married for many years to a perfectly nice, reasonable man. But on numerous occasions he's done the same as your DH. The two I remember vividly because she was so furious about it were:

They went into a cafe and she nipped to the loo while he ordered coffee for them both. Instead of ordering a flat white or cappuccino (which is what she drinks) he order two black coffees — because that's what he drinks. This was after 25+ years together, with her always drinking coffee with milk.

They were on a long journey in the car with the dog. They parked up in a motorway services place and she got the dog out of the car to walk it around. There was an M&S there, so he went in for food and she asked him to buy her a BLT and a bottle of water. He returned with a tuna sandwich and a drink for himself but nothing for her, and when she asked why he was at first flummoxed and then said he thought they could share.

They're not short of money and he's not a horrible person. But because she's taken on the full domestic burden he just doesn't think about her. It drives her nuts because, as you say, she spends hours each month considering what he might like to eat/ drink or what arrangements would suit him. And he does none of that for her.

Nor me. What was the point of that response?

You've learned to keep quiet? Lol? How did he teach you to keep your mouth shut?

Has he learned to keep quiet when he comes home and you've cooked for you and the kids but not left any for him?

This is so depressing.

I'm so confused... You asked him to buy toilet roll. He did. Why is he not allowed to buy himself a sandwich with I presume his own money. Surely you can sort your own lunch out? I don't get it

It’s a sandwich?
if I was in the shop and was hungry I’d grab something and assume as an adult at home he would make himself lunch? His reaction was childish but I think on both sides it’s all a bit petty

Sounds like a man baby with his nose out of joint. Stop bendung over back wards for him, put you first.

It sounds like there’s deeper issues in your relationship and his reaction says this isn’t the first either. The fact you’ve mentioned he uses most of the toilet roll it seems like he’s annoying you and also perhaps he’s aware of it.

My husbands done stuff like this, and I know his minds elsewhere and hasn’t done it to upset me. I usually make the comment about it and I get how sorry he is

Hmm... if I'm in the shop and fancy a chocolate bar I buy HUBBY* one as well and sling it at him upon arrival home "here, got you this"... he does the same to me.

However, he knows I only buy his fave chocolate when it's on offer....

Yes as a couple we think about the other one when out and about....

*he wouldn't dream of calling me "hun" 🙄

It's so annoying but I've learnt to keep quiet. I have an amazing hubby around the house and with kids and the amount of times he comes in having fed them and himself but nothing for me or he will cook them tea and not me lol