Is it rude to go to the wake if you didn't go to the funeral?

Absolutely the same. That’s how I felt. That they had taken time out of their day to come & pay respects. We had lots who came to the wake only. It really didn’t occur to any of us to be offended.

It's fine. Showing your face is the most important thing. (Ruder to not bother at all.)

I’ve known a few. Used to know someone that would bring all his children to community events and encourage them to eat as much as they can, while he filled up the Tupperware. He was a well known cheapskate.
Food and buffets are often the unofficial selling point of a lot work and other events people aren’t too fussed on attending as well.
In the ops case, unless your dh is known as the local free loader he should be ok, but post service get togethers ime are usually for close friends and family to catch up and check in with each other. Unless there are other ‘pub friends ‘ going similar to him or he knows the family, he’s gonna feel like an outsider.

I think it's important to show up at either the funeral or the wake. When my father died, I was just grateful to everyone who made the effort. I didn't care whether they attended one or both events.

In fact, I'm going to have to miss a funeral shortly, but am determined to get to the wake afterwards. I have an appointment that can't be changed at the same time as the funeral, but will travel on from that to the wake. I'm very sorry I can't get to the funeral, so this is the only way I can still pay my respects.

It’s not rude at all, it’s perfectly normal not to attend a funeral unless it’s a relative or close friend, just go along to the wake.

Ive done this a few times in last few years when it’s someone I knew well enough to pay my respects but wouldn’t call a close friend.

On all occasions the family were absolutely happy to see people come later on the day to pay their respects and fully understood not everyone will attend all day.

What, purely as an alternative venue to a restaurant, with the deceased playing zero role in the decision to attend?

Going to funerals for food/drink and socialising is actually really common.

I think he should dress appropriately and go briefly rather than hang about drinking.

Next week DP is going to a funeral of someone he has known for many years. I've never met the deceased but I do know his family, but not well.

The funeral will be huge. I'll not go to the funeral but will be popping to the wake afterwards to pay my respect to the family. Lots of people will do the same as the funeral isn't being held locally and many can't get there.

@EarringsandLipstick we are not catholic, and have Scottish roots? Nah, I don't know really!
I think the pub caterers just put them there. Lol. We need to invent 'irish eggs', maybe with black pudding? Haha.

Surely if you wanted a drink you’d just go to the pub, to a genuinely relaxing environment? Or buy a bottle of something to drink at home?

If someone’s making the effort to attend a wake – often quite challenging to navigate – they almost certainly are not motivated by food and drink, unless they’re a real weirdo or living in poverty

In England this bit is called a wake.

Maybe he thinks it will be free beer/spirits all evening.

Very rude

With regards to the terminology, what has traditionally been referred to as the wake, was the gathering of people to watch over the body of the deceased before they were buried/cremated, it's not common to have your loved one at home anymore after they die, so if you want to see your loved one you normally arrange to see them in the chapel of rest, in which case the gathering of friends and family is normally done after the service, which in the UK is now commonly referred to as the wake.

It is perfectly acceptable to call that a wake as that's what most people and funeral directors refer to it as, it may not be the traditional term, but it's what most people know it as now.

Come on though – unless you're destitute, who would take time out of their lives to attend a wake, just to get some free sandwiches and a cup of tea?

I doubt anyone would notice, unless it was very, very sparsely attended. And if they did, you would just say it wasn’t possible for you to attend the earlier service. I can’t imagine anyone would notice or ask tho.

I had this with someone I knew in our village. I told the other villagers I couldn't make it to the funeral as I was at work (I didn't really know them personally) and they were very welcoming and said come to the wake. I did just that. Very nice people

Are you not in the uk? A wake is the get together after typically.

It does look a bit like you’re just turning up for the buffet, although his absence at the funeral might not be noticed if it’s a particularly well attended one.

It’s the funeral tea, not a wake, right? A wake is ( as I have always understood it) where family stay with the body before burial/ cremation?
Also, as far as funerals being invitation only in the uk; actually they are a public event and anyone can go. That’s why you sometimes get the mistress turning up 😁
OP I think it’s a bit rude as he could have gone to the actual service. But it’s on him not you.

I’ve been to the wakes of a few people
who weren’t close enough for me to be given a day off, I have to be careful about the leave that I take as I have dc and school holidays to take into consideration so dh (self employed) will have gone along to the funeral and I’ll meet the family after work.
Not there for the food (I’m careful about what i eat so don’t touch the by that stage no doubt stale sandwiches and cold sausages or whatever is standard wake food) and there’s not usually a free bar at any wake I’ve ever been to so I’ve always bought my own.
Strange that people might think I’m being greedy or rude when all I’m doing is popping in to send my well wishes to a family in mourning. Mind you, I’ve always got the impression that they were happy I came so perhaps this is a MN thing once again!

Is he mixing it up with a wedding where loads of people don't go to the 'service' but attend the drinks in the evening?

I don't actually think its that rude though - he's taking the chance to pay his respects, and to be honest, the bit afterwards where everyone shares stories etc always feels to me like the 'real' bit of the ceremony.

Sounds like he sees it as an excuse for a get together and drinking. Socialising. So yeah, I’d also be side eyeing him. Not wanting the funeral, turning, up in jeans, he’s acting like it’s a night out.

Agree this might be a cultural thing but this isn't the wake. The is the meal /refreshments after the funeral is over. It would be strange to turn up at this and not the removal or the funeral itself.