Is it rude to go to the wake if you didn't go to the funeral?

The wakes I've attended in last few years all had a go fund me type page to help the family pay for the wedding/funeral so it’s not a bunch of freeloaders wanting to be fed and watered. And tbh the money across the bar only really lasted the first hour or so. Those who arrived to pay their respects at the wake paid for their own drinks

@Needanewname42

I’d disagree that a wedding is a public event. To me it’s strict invite only. I would say turning up uninvited to a wedding ceremony or funeral is far ruder than going to a wake but suppose it’s different customers for different people.

As the deceased person is someone he used to speak to occasionally but hasn’t in over 3 years , I find it odd that he wants to attend. I recently organised a funeral for a family member. The bar restaurant providing the meal after the crematorium did a head count and the bill was based on that. I would have been puzzled to say the least if the head count included folk who hadn’t been around for years and then bypassed the funeral service .

It does come across as rude , doing as little as possible for the family as possible then just showing up for the already organized drinks .

It’s really rude and I’m surprised so may people think it’s fine. Maybe they haven’t had the pleasure of paying for a wake for a loved one.

If I’d known about it, I’d have found it very rude when I had to arrange and pay for a funeral and wake, but honestly, I probably wouldn’t have noticed because freeloaders weren’t my priority.

It's cheeky but unlikely anyone will notice

It's not long since we had DMs funeral and I wouldn't have minded someone coming to the wake if they hadn't been able to get time away from work for the funeral.

If it hadn't have been for the part at the end we went to look at flowers in the garden I wouldn't have known who was at the funeral anyway.

@SamW98 thinking about it from very public funerals, what bits appear on the telly, the actual service not the private tea / wake after it.

Bit like a church wedding, it's an open public event, but the reception after it is invite only, private affair.

I agree with Needanewname42. The actual funeral is an open, public event. A invitation is not needed to attend anyone’s funeral. The wake/ funeral tea/ social is catered and more private.

@Needanewname42

I see it as completely the opposite. To me the actual funeral is for family and close friends - I certainly wouldn’t put out an open invite to the actual burial/cremation for my family members.

Then the wake afterwards is for other friends, acquaintances, neighbours, work colleagues etc to drop in for a couple of hours to pay their respects and raise a glass to the deceased.

Lot of discussion over the work wake, it's a bit like pants means different things in different places.
Nobody's right, Nobody's wrong just different.

Personally I think the reception, wake, tea after the funeral is a more private space for the family and close friends than the actual funeral.
They are generally held in a venue because nobody has space or the capacity cater tons of people back to the house.

It's not that unusual for acquaintance to get away from work for an hour or two to attend the actual funeral (assuming they are local)

I think it's quiet rude to turn up to what's basically a private function if you don't know the family that well.

Personally I wouldn't attend a wake without going to a funeral first. However, if someone wanted to attend only the wake I wouldn't have a problem with it. I'd say just explain to the hosts "I'm so sorry I couldn't attend the funeral as I was working, but I did want to come and pay my respects" should make it all fine.

It seems a bit grabby to rock up for tea and sandwiches after and not go to the actual funeral....unless you've contacted the family in advance to tell them the reason why.

Blimey, yes excruciating! Fortunately I think she’s probably an outlier..!

OP, remind your husband not to stock up on sausage rolls for next day’s lunch 😉

TIL that in England, you can have a wake without the deceased present as they’re already buried. Blows my mind a little!

i agree with the others who have said that it kind of depends on attitude. If someone called into the tea and buns reception bit following the service and gave their condolences and said something like “sorry I couldn’t make it to the service but wanted to drop in” I would think that is nice.

if they just slope in and stuff their face….bit rude and weird.

Strange order of events in my experiences - we always have the wake followed by the funeral. Many go to wake and not funeral as funeral is deemed more "intimate" for close family/friends, whereas wake is for anyone who knew the deceased - work, casually, etc.
I think your support is appropriate, not everyone is going to be able to make both events, still supporting the living is the main intent so not rude.

I think there's two scenarios here -

1/ Don't or can't attend the funeral service, turn up at the wake, fill your face with food and drink and leave without engaging with the bereaved friends and family = RUDE

2/ Don't or can't attend the funeral service, turn up at the wake, have some food and drink, spend time offering support and friendship to the bereaved, share fond memories of the deceased etc = NOT RUDE

I’m also born and bred in the UK (London) and never known it be called anything other than the wake. Never heard it referred to as the reception and certainly not ‘tea’

Tbh the ones I’ve attended recently have been in bars/private clubs so by the time most wake attendees arrive then there’s no free food and drink anyway.

@TiredandKnackeredand **

Come on though – unless you're destitute, who would take time out of their lives to attend a wake, just to get some free sandwiches and a cup of tea?

My sister! She'd often take her kids along to wakes with her to feed them. "Saves me feeding them later". She wasn't skint, just tight. She was overheard at my FIL funeral telling her DS to eat as much as he could so she wouldn't have to sort him tea. She even took a paper plate piled with food for his lunch box the following day! I've never been so embarrassed.

I think anyone can go to a funeral but you have to be invited to a wake. If you have invited someone to a wake and they don't attend the funeral I don't see a problem with that.

I think its not up to you. Your partner is an adult and gets to make his own decisions.

I've only ever known it called a wake - couple of links to funeral directors below where they talk about it typically happening after the service nowadays, so I'd say its pretty common.

https://www.funeralpartners.co.uk/help-advice/after-a-funeral/what-is-a-funeral-wake/#:~:text=A%20wake%2C%20also%20known%20as,the%20funeral%20or%20memorial%20service.

https://www.dignityfunerals.co.uk/arranging-a-funeral/planning-a-funeral/organising-a-wake/

Depends on the family, funeral culture varies a lot. I've been to many funeral teas that I have not attended do to my job

Depends- usually I would say no. But recently attending two funerals we had people arrive for the wake.

For one she was NC with the parent but is very close to the wider family so still came to the wake.

The other a few people meet us at the wake after the Crem - it was very much close family only and they where more pub mates & felt it right to leave the family to attend cremation.

I am in the UK, and been to several
funerals, but literally never heard the funeral reception/ tea referred to as a wake but ill take your word for it!
With my elderly relatives who have died they weren’t at home mostly, but in the chapel of rest, and people would come to the house to pay respects and maybe visit them at the chapel in the days before the funeral. I think in the old days they would have been at home. I always thought the “wake” part referred to literally staying awake with the deceased, to sort of keep them company.