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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this wasn’t a joke

144 replies

FogChill · 01/05/2024 09:58

And was actually quite a nasty comment?

I have just turned 40 and I was discussing with my partner that I am likely to start menopause in the next few years. My DM had terrible hot flashes and I said to him that he’s got all of this (sharing a bed with a heater) to look forward to. He immediately said - no way - I’ll just trade you in for a younger model who’s still able to get wet.

I’m absolutely upset that he has said this to me. I can’t believe that he thought this to begin with let alone said it. He’s now furiously backpedaling saying that it was a joke and that I need to get over it.

AIBU to be upset? I really don’t think I am.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 01/05/2024 17:07

I definitely think the age gap in a relationship with an older man starts becoming glaring when the woman hits her forties and the man is nearing sixty.

Throw in a decline in oestrogen and a lowered tolerance to men’s misogyny and your rose tinted view of him starts to slip!

CheapThrillsMeanNothing · 01/05/2024 17:02

@FogChill
So you wouldn't mention his receding hairline as he's sensitive about it but he's happy to joke about it you getting vaginal dryness in peri/menopause.
Maybe time to 'trade him in' as he's becoming a grumpy old man with declining testosterone.

Freakinfraser · 01/05/2024 16:47

Spinningroundahelix · 01/05/2024 16:42

The average age for menopause is around 51 and you're only 39! Some people do sail through it despite mumsnetters blaming everything on perimenopause. I think though that your partner is rather awful. He's more than 10 years older than you and he's crass, balding and has ED.

I think the op is confused and doesn’t know the difference between peri and meno. Peri starts at 40-44.

therejustbarely · 01/05/2024 16:44

When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

Spinningroundahelix · 01/05/2024 16:42

The average age for menopause is around 51 and you're only 39! Some people do sail through it despite mumsnetters blaming everything on perimenopause. I think though that your partner is rather awful. He's more than 10 years older than you and he's crass, balding and has ED.

thisfilmisboring123 · 01/05/2024 16:37

I think the replies are slightly over the top.

I mean it’s not funny and not something my husband has ever said but I would say it was clearly a joke.

Don’t really get the comments, why is the second part so much worse than the first?

Lamelie · 01/05/2024 16:37

As pp have said it’s the last part.
Trading in/ going grey/ growing whiskers/ zimmer frames/ hot flushed are banter. What he said is grim.

willWillSmithsmith · 01/05/2024 16:17

mrlistersgelfbride · 01/05/2024 15:14

Knobhead.
Crass, insensitive, disrespectful.
I hope he's a well hung Brad Putt lookalike to go with that fantastic sense of humour?

Wouldn’t matter if he was ‘well hung’ he’s a total turn off.

willWillSmithsmith · 01/05/2024 16:16

If a partner said that to me I’d ‘dry up’ when he was around anyway. His vulgarity and disrespect would totally turn me off him.

AmethystSparkles · 01/05/2024 15:47

That’s very grim. He’s not someone you’ll want to grow old with because you know exactly what he’ll be thinking of your ageing body. Sorry, that doesn’t sound nice but not sure how to word it!

fatphalange · 01/05/2024 15:41

Fucking disgusting of him. I'd have told him 'it's a struggle as it is but that's down to the grim excuse of a man I'm with, I'm afraid'....bastard.

Everintroverte · 01/05/2024 15:22

Another one here to say second comment absolutely grim, unnecessary and hurtful.
Are you going to talk to him about it again? I don't suppose you would believe an apology now anyway as he clearly doesn't think it's an issue.

itsmylife7 · 01/05/2024 15:21

FogChill · 01/05/2024 14:52

Absolutely not! He is sensitive about his hair loss. So I’d never joke about that because I know he’d find it hurtful.

Show quote history

Well maybe have a rethink and start "joking " about his hairline.

Whatismypasswordthen · 01/05/2024 15:18

Never mind the menopause, that comment would dry me up good and proper 🫤

I'd be trading him in for someone with a better line in dirty talk.

mrlistersgelfbride · 01/05/2024 15:14

Knobhead.
Crass, insensitive, disrespectful.
I hope he's a well hung Brad Putt lookalike to go with that fantastic sense of humour?

CactusMactus · 01/05/2024 15:12

Grim and tactless joke. As long as he doesn't have form for being a twat - move on.

C1N1C · 01/05/2024 14:54

I'm a guy and I agree with the above posts...

old-man joke @ the younger model bit
Getting wet bit = that's over the line

Original poster
FogChill · 01/05/2024 14:52

ichundich · 01/05/2024 12:26

Absolutely LTB for a silly joke 🙄. Do you ever comment on his growing belly / receding hairline / other age-related niggles?

Absolutely not! He is sensitive about his hair loss. So I’d never joke about that because I know he’d find it hurtful.

OP posts:
Original poster
FogChill · 01/05/2024 14:48

Thelnebriati · 01/05/2024 11:12

Has he apologised? Or is he just trying to blame you for not having a sense of humour?

No, he hasn’t apologised. All he kept repeating was that it was a joke and that I needed to get over it.

OP posts:
Greywitch2 · 01/05/2024 14:24

FogChill · 01/05/2024 10:42

I did ask him how he would feel if I threatened to trade him in for a younger model every time he got ED (which is more frequent than it used to be given that he is over 50). He said he wouldn’t cry about it.

he just doesn’t seem to want to understand why I am hurting over what he said.

Oh he wouldn't cry? I think he'd be very hurt if you retorted, 'What's the point in a woman getting wet, when you can't get it up to perform half the time? It's difficult to feel excited when the situation is' always 'will he, won't he'?

Only presumably you aren't as crass and unpleasant as him.

Springisintheairohyeah · 01/05/2024 14:16

He sounds delightful! Agree with most of the other posters - the first bit, said in jest in an otherwise good relationship, fine. The second bit is just horrible. I'm not one to overreact but honestly I think that sentence says a whole lot about someone's underlying personality and the way they view you and their relationship. It would make me look at him in a completely different light

exomoon · 01/05/2024 14:08

First response nailed it.

Disturbia81 · 01/05/2024 14:04

Even the younger model thing would give me the ick, and I have a good sense of humour. It's just too much of a shitty thing in society that actually happens.
And this charmer is much older than you! Yuck yuck yuck.
He would dry me up, not the menopause.

Trulyme · 01/05/2024 13:52

He took the joke way too far and you were right to call him out on it but it was still a joke just like your joke about being a heater.

He sounds like an insensitive twat but I don’t think he meant it.

WaltzingWaters · 01/05/2024 13:46

Barrenfieldoffucks · 01/05/2024 10:00

The trading in part I'd find vaguely amusing if you are quite a jokey couple...if DH said it I would in no way take it seriously. But the "get wet" part? Grim.

agree