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Original poster

Dh and son not getting along

40 replies

nettlesoup22 · 30/04/2024 22:08

Dh and I have been together 6 years, married 3. We have a toddler together and I have a ds13 from previous marriage.
Dh and ds get along mostly but now ds is getting to the rebellious teenage years things are trickier.
There's a lot of attitude and rudeness from ds. To me it's fairly typical teenage behaviour. He's hormonal, self conscious and often fluctuates between being silly and giddy one minute and angry the next.
Dh doesn't have a lot of patience with the general attitude and laziness and they are arguing a lot. I mediate as best as I can because sometimes dh is right, ds is being rude, but I also feel like dh needs to cut him some slack too and change the way he responds to him. Less criticism, less telling off etc.
It's fucking draining being stuck in the middle of them. I've told them both in no uncertain terms that if it carries on we will have to live separately because it's not good for anyone. But I don't want that. Our marriage is good and I don't want my younger dc having divorced parents because of this.
I know the general consensus on MN is kids always come first. I agree with this and if things did get too much I absolutely would move out with dc.
But this isn't some new relationship where my bf isn't getting along with ds. We are a family and dh has been around more than half ds life. There just needs to be a bit more mutual respect and less alpha male attitude on both sides.
How do I make them see this? I can only see it getting worse as ds gets older. I love them both and would always advocate for my kids but I'm sick of being caught in the middle.

OP posts:
gannett · 01/05/2024 07:25

Dh is the type to demand respect which annoys me because he doesn't always give it out.

My dad was like that. My teenage years were spent arguing this very point. Then I went NC with him in my early 20s and have never regretted having him out of my life since.

Authoritarian parenting is a manifestation of controlling tendencies that they know they can't get away with elsewhere (though often it extends to their wife too).

takemeawayagain · 01/05/2024 07:23

I think where you went very wrong was marrying someone who 'got along mostly' with your child. I don't know what that means exactly but it doesn't sound like a good place to start from. Your child should have come first.

AGlinnerOfHope · 01/05/2024 07:19

There’s clearly a gap in the market for support for men parenting teens, especially boys.

A neighbour’s son was moved out to relatives with social services annd police involved at this age. Ended her business (safeguarding issue).

Can you get him to read some books? Steve biddulph did a teen boys book I think.

Beezknees · 01/05/2024 07:17

My stepdad was like this. I ended up leaving home at 17 because of it and still haven't really forgiven my mum for allowing it to happen. I appreciate now as an adult it was her husband and she was caught in the middle but since having my own DS it does hit home.

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice. It must be so hard for you. 💐

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 01/05/2024 07:13

What kind of behaviours is your DS displaying specifically?

sandgrown · 01/05/2024 07:10

My ex was my DS’ dad but he had a very old fashioned parenting style like his dad. I had older children and tried to explain it was just the teenage phase . I knew DS wasn’t a bad lad . Sadly my ex physically attacked DS after having a drink. I called the police and ultimately we moved out . My ex has spent years trying to repair the relationship with his son but the damage is done .

Whatsitcalled38 · 01/05/2024 07:08

Yeah I agree, they nay be acting the same and equally responsible for the conflict but one is a child going through nassive hormonal changes and one is an adult who should have control of himself.

How does he expect DS to control his anger and frustrations when 1) he himself can't and 2) he's not teaching him how to.

Wimbledonmum1985 · 01/05/2024 07:06

exomoon · 01/05/2024 05:09

I agree with this.

Only abusive dads and step-dads seem to behave this way. Normally dads are able to strike a balance between discipline and patience.

I think you need to read DH the riot act that he is on his way to breaking up his marriage and his toddler’s home. Don’t make DH think it’s half on DS, as DS is a child.

Edited
Show quote history

This. 100%.
It is always the same type of mam ‘demanding respect’ and it is always the step child bearing the brunt of their bullying ways.

Original poster
nettlesoup22 · 01/05/2024 07:01

I said this to him last night. However poorly ds behaves, he is still a child and he's at a difficult stage of life. Dh on the other hand is an adult who should know better.

It's heartbreaking to think of our family breaking up over this because behind the wind ups and the rows and the rudeness there is a lot of love between them. I don't think many women would be urged to split up with their partner if it was the child's bio dad that was clashing with them. But when it's a stepdad it somehow sounds like the easier option.

I really can't be arsed with another day of atmosphere. It's grinding me down.

OP posts:
exomoon · 01/05/2024 05:09

takealettermsjones · 01/05/2024 00:22

Honestly... it's all very well saying they clash, but that kind of description implies a level playing field. Your DH is the adult, he should be being the bigger person here.

Dh is the type to demand respect which annoys me because he doesn't always give it out.

That's a big red flag, to me. Do you respect him, given that he is like this? Do you think he deserves respect from your son?

I agree with this.

Only abusive dads and step-dads seem to behave this way. Normally dads are able to strike a balance between discipline and patience.

I think you need to read DH the riot act that he is on his way to breaking up his marriage and his toddler’s home. Don’t make DH think it’s half on DS, as DS is a child.

TealSapphire · 01/05/2024 01:54

Yeah they might both be unreasonable but your DH is the adult and needs to either deal with things appropriately or walk away.

Some men are like this with their DS's, my ex was. It's around the time that the child starts maturing and having opinions of their own and they challenge their dad rather than worshipping the ground they walk on and believing everything they say.

It's not up to you to mediate between them. It may get better if your DH stops 'demanding respect' but as he's that type then sadly it will probably just get worse.

takealettermsjones · 01/05/2024 00:22

Honestly... it's all very well saying they clash, but that kind of description implies a level playing field. Your DH is the adult, he should be being the bigger person here.

Dh is the type to demand respect which annoys me because he doesn't always give it out.

That's a big red flag, to me. Do you respect him, given that he is like this? Do you think he deserves respect from your son?

Createausername1970 · 30/04/2024 23:22

Men huh?

Could you have a chat to DS and say that you understand he is growing up and boundaries are changing, but DH is struggling with this. And you need DS's help to move things forward amicably.

If you can get DS to agree to try to keep calm and not do stuff to deliberate wind up DH, then maybe you can all have a chat over a pizza about things and give DS the opportunity to put his point of view.

But remind DS that you and DH have a point of view too, so there will have to be compromise on all sides.

It is hard, being stuck between two stroppy males, but if you can just be the voice of reason, they should hopefully fall in line!

Original poster
nettlesoup22 · 30/04/2024 22:24

Yes this sounds a lot like dh and I. I'm quite chilled and have never had to discipline ds too much as he's always been a good kid. Dh is the type to demand respect which annoys me because he doesn't always give it out.

The worst thing is I speak to dh about it rationally (and sometimes angrily too) and he doesn't seem to think he's doing anything wrong. I've pointed out that our youngest will probably go through the same when they're older.

It's draining and upsetting. I'm on edge waiting for these clashes.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 30/04/2024 22:20

It will probably get worse, and then it will get better as DS gets older. I personally found 14 - 16 was the worst.

I also agree DH needs to row back. My DS and DH had some very scary clashes, both getting angry and both trying to prove a point. They were both at fault.

I spoke to them both separately. I told DH to leave the disciplining to me and I told DS that speaking to DH disrespectfully was not acceptable.

My DH did step back and leave it to me, and this did bring the tension level down.
They returned to their previous easy going relationship eventually.

I think it was the transition from child to adult that DH was having difficulty negotiating and working out what boundaries stayed, which ones got loosened and which ones went by the wayside. I am a "go with the flow" person, DH is a bit more black and white.

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