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Original poster

DP no longer wants S

64 replies

Whatinthedoopla · 30/04/2024 22:00

My DP has not been proactive in trying to have S, and just doesn't want to do anything anymore. I asked him, and he said it's because he is scared of getting me pregnant again.

In truth, it would destroy us having another baby, mentally and physically it would, and we had a scare about a month ago, and he said this traumatized him.

Could this be the case?

OP posts:
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GingerPirate · 04/05/2024 10:30

😂 Last thing on my mind at 45 yo is S now,
very happy not to have it and to have a very understanding (and much older) husband!
😜😀

HulaChick · 04/05/2024 07:36

He can have a vasectomy.

Dollenganger333 · 04/05/2024 07:32

StormingNorman · 30/04/2024 22:39

If the idea of having another baby is that awful, maybe he could get a vasectomy?

Exactly right! I expect he'll be traumatised about that, too 🙄

A sudden withdrawal of intimacy is sometimes a red flag in a relationship. It would cause me to be vigilant.

Original poster
Whatinthedoopla · 04/05/2024 07:28

I took on your advice of taking your word for it. This led me to be happier in the process while he books in a vasectomy, which he said he will do.

I guess I also missed intimacy, and asked him for cuddles and to watch a film together in bed. All of a sudden, I had an incline that he wanted sex! But I felt confused, as I didn't know if he was going to go through with it or not.

Thank you Mumsnet!

OP posts:
Knackeredmommy · 01/05/2024 21:38

I got my tubes tied after I had a scare and the fear of getting pregnant was affecting my ability to relax and enjoy sex. If he feels that strongly he should look into a vasectomy.

LadyHavelockVetinari · 01/05/2024 13:22

Did you get accidentally pregnant? I must admit this happened to me too. I got accidentally pregnant and then was terrified of getting pregant again. Although in my case, DH refuses condoms, so it's a bit more justified.

If you are done, he can get a vasectomy. Or you talk about what you'll do to ensure pregnancies don't happen - a combination of methods, perhaps, or termination plans if that's something you'd want.

twotoneblue · 01/05/2024 11:54

Starlightstarbright3 · 30/04/2024 22:28

Then what contraception does he want to use other than abstinence ?

Well clearly none on the basis he appears happy with abstinence

NeverHeardOfSuchTosh · 01/05/2024 11:52

bluetopazlove · 30/04/2024 22:30

Thought my mother was talking to me from the grave .

😂😂😂I thought Mary Whitehouse

2catsandhappy · 01/05/2024 11:50

@Whatinthedoopla my ex wouldn't touch me after a pregnancy scare. Barely got a brief kiss. He wouldn't use condoms. He 'fell asleep' on the settee. Avoided contact. Shut down conversation. A very lonely time for me.
I got the contraceptive injection and after about 3 months we had sex again.
Just another example of me being 100% responsible for something that should be equally discussed and agreed on.
Your dp trauma is real. Perhaps he could discuss this with a neutral party or speak to his doctor about the alternatives to a pregnancy.

2024istheyearforme · 01/05/2024 10:09

it sounds like a legit reason, I would be scared too but then he needs to go get the snip.

Huldrafolk · 01/05/2024 10:07

bluetopazlove · 30/04/2024 22:30

Thought my mother was talking to me from the grave .

😀

potato57 · 01/05/2024 10:01

I'm the same, my hormones are awful so I don't want to go on the pill and I don't like messing with my body in any way so any kind of implant is out. Would never tell my partner what to do with his body either.

So no help, just same situation.

iamtheblcksheep · 01/05/2024 09:49

JimPanzee · 30/04/2024 22:04

Yep! Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex!

If you don't want another baby make sure you are using contraception properly, and also your DP could consider a vasectomy.

Show quote history

God I’m as childish as you. That’s exactly what I was scrolling down to write😂

Bobbotgegrinch · 01/05/2024 09:43

Me and DP had a surprise baby when we were 10 months into our relationship, by which I mean the first inkling we had that she was pregnant was when she went into labour.

Sex afterwards was a real sticking point for me. Yes we were using contraception, but we had been when DD was conceived as well, and look how that turned out.

I'd have been perfectly happy doing other stuff, but of course the expectation was that that would lead to penetration, which honestly scared the shit out of me. We were not in a position to have another child, having one had sent our finances and our relationship to breaking point, and another one would have smashed through both like a wrecking ball.

Me and DP talked about it at length, and eventually my fears faded to a reasonable level. (Although never completely, we're in our 40s now and I still get the occasional twinge of "She could be pregnant and I'm clueless!")

Beautiful3 · 01/05/2024 09:26

You could have a coil fitted or go on the pill. If he's adamant he doesn't want any more children, a vasectomy would be a simple procedure for him.

Beekeepingmum · 01/05/2024 09:25

How many posts do you see on here that say if a man doesn't want a baby they shouldn't have sex. If anyone doesn't want sex that should be fine. No-one should be pressured woman or man.

NortieTortie · 01/05/2024 09:19

Have sex without penetration? Is he open to a vasectomy?

HcbSS · 01/05/2024 08:50

Saschka · 30/04/2024 22:26

I thought you meant your husband didn’t want your son, and I was going to tell you to LTB.

me too

User79853257976 · 01/05/2024 07:58

Why don’t you believe him? It sounds entirely plausible.

DaisyChain505 · 01/05/2024 07:56

Well do something about it then, don’t just ignore it and hope it will go away. Tell him if he’s that bothered to book a vasectomy.

Notamum12345577 · 01/05/2024 07:51

Or can you get sterilised?

ObsidianTree · 01/05/2024 07:23

Can he get a vasectomy?

FeatheryStroker · 01/05/2024 07:22

I have a lot of sex but I really think that if I thought 'having another baby would destroy us' and pregnancy scares were happening it would put me off having sex too.

I'd do something about it though.

What did you say when he said he was scared of you becoming pregnant again?

WaltzingWaters · 01/05/2024 07:06

If no kids on the card again at all - he should get the snip. If you may consider more children in future - various contraception methods to try. Whilst obviously the most effective form of avoiding pregnancy sex at all long term in a loving relationship really isn’t healthy unless it’s something you both happily agree too it, so other options besides just condoms should be looked into.

jeaux90 · 01/05/2024 06:57

Tell him to get the snip. It's liberating for both of you. My partner did this about 6 years ago.