To tell my husbands ex to **** off?!

I think that people playing detective with posts like this do harm. There are two little kids who are likely being abused. But now OP can't get any advice about how to help them because a bunch of people think it's more important to shame and blame her for a supposed affair. What good is being achieved by that? So you've made a woman feel like shit, well done. What a great achievement, what a wonderful contribution to the world.

Some really horrible people here, sadly. Smug sad little lives.

@taylorswift1989 There's no detective work involved. The ages of the children and duration of their relationship is what the OP posted. The OP not coming back is also evident. Are we not supposed to take posts at face value? Strange that you call what the OP herself presented as detective work, when the OP herself hasn't refuted it.

No one has made her feel shit. She says she isn't going to court. She didn't express any interest in going back to social services. She wants the ex to fuck off. So then that's what she should do.

I think that people playing detective with posts like this do harm. There are two little kids who are likely being abused. But now OP can't get any advice about how to help them because a bunch of people think it's more important to shame and blame her for a supposed affair. What good is being achieved by that? So you've made a woman feel like shit, well done. What a great achievement, what a wonderful contribution to the world.

It looks like the OP isn't coming back?
I'm not saying what has transpired in the past between OP, her DH, and his Ex is irrelevant or insignificant. Of course it is, but we're possibly not going to be told.
What matters above all else right now is the welfare of these two young boys.
I'm an ex social worker - I left in the mid 90's so things will have changed a lot since then, enormously maybe.
From what I know from this thread, and cases I read and hear about in the media, it seems apparent that the bar concerning child abuse/neglect/safeguarding has been set a lot higher than it was when I was in practice.
I'm appalled that these boys are still living with their mother, regardless of how and why she has descended into such a dark place.
The SW wanting to believe their mother is doing her best is unfortunately a common theme. In the early days of my career, when I was naive and idealistic, I too wanted this to be true, but often it wasn't.
Removing children from an unfit parent's care is not to be undertaken lightly, but sometimes it's the only way the children are going to be cared for emotionally and physically.
I can clearly remember 3 cases where children in similar situations to this were removed from the parent, and this should be happening here. In 2 cases the children went to live with the other parent via an official court order.
But maybe other factors are at play now, like SW staff shortages, local authorities' budgets being cut and taking children into care is expensive?
But these boys' needs are currently not being given priority, and they should be.

@taylorswift1989 You don't think it's also strange that OP never came back since yesterday as soon as someone pointed out the math?

As for the ex's unhealthy coping. We don't all handle loss and grief the same way. some handle it better than others.

Wow, some people on this thread are unbelievably judgemental. You don't actually know the full story. You've just made a load of assumptions based on pretty much nothing. Now apparently the "truth" is that OP tore apart a wonderful happy family and sent the ex into a spiral of alcoholism and narcissism. Does that not seem a tad... unlikely? I do not know what it would take to make me abuse my children, but it would be more than my partner having an affair, no matter how painful.

What I do wonder is why the husband is not going to court to sort this all out and protect his kids.

Unless I'm missing something, I don't think OP will want to report to social services, as I don't think she wants the children to end up with the father in their home. Especially since she's expecting her second. She just wants the ex to fuck off. She also doesn't seem to too bothered by her husband's lack of physical contact with his sons. There's something off about this whole situation, especially since OP looks like the OW who has caused a lot of anguish to the ex.

This is one of those threads when taking an opening post at face value lends a sympathetic bias towards an op, when in fact this whole sorry shit show for a bunch of kids was caused by her and her cheating husband in the first place. Poor kids. All of them.

Can't afford a solicitor, or any of the fees due to all our savings being used for therapy for the boys and bridging the gap financially whilst they've been with us majority of the time.

To be honest, I don't believe for one second that you can't afford to take this further, those boys should be your husbands priority right now to make sure they are being adequately cared for, and to put a court order in place for contact if necessary.

You wanting to tell her to 'fuck off' and that she's 'ruining your pregnancy' is just ridiculously juvenile and self centred when there are two boys supposedly suffering because of her alcohol abuse, and you expect people to believe you can't scrape together a few hundred quid to get the ball rolling on contact being re-instated?

@jdh877

Well it won't have helped matters alcoholic issues etc,
her ex @jdh877 husband now was playing away from home, with Op,

Bloody hell 😳 no wonder she has gone bat shit and is raging with fury and swear words etc..

What did you both expect only yourselves to blame there...

Absolutely true.

Many of us have been left with young child/ren and don't turn into abusive alcoholics.

Alcohol is a beast of a drug, and social services must have had serious concerns to have been involved.

It's the poor children I feel sorry for here.

It must be incredibly tough for them living with an angry alcoholic- plus the risk of her dying {vomit aspiration}.

No easy answers.

But...surely therapy is provided by NHS for free, if it is deemed necessary for the children?

I was betrayed and deserted when my child was 7 months old, it is utterly crushing. I am not in anyway defending the ex-wife's behaviour but oh, do I understand where it is coming from. I always tried very hard to be controlled with my ex and the woman he cheated on me with. I did this for the sake of our child but it was very very hard. Sometimes I did end up screaming abuse at them. I am not proud of it, I regret it, but I was pushed beyond endanrance sometimes. You are so vulnerable when you are pregnant or a new mum. Personally I could not even entertain the idea of having an affair with a man who has a pregnant partner which is what it seems has happened here.

Aaaaaaandddd the Ex is here!

I think it's irrelevant OP is the 'other woman'.
What's relevant is a father that can't spend a few hundreds fighting for his kids (if their mum is as they say).

And a stepmother that is worried mainly with another adult harassing her rather then helping her DH fight for his kids.

Plus 'no savings' cause they have been looking after HIS kids...but we actually got pregnant recently and are keeping the baby...despite we have no money🙄

Mr Cheaty pants isn’t posting on MN or worrying about his kids. He won’t even take on evening bar work or a morning cleaning job for a month to scrape together £300 to go to court.

Happy to have another kid though. Not bothered about the two who are left in chaos due to his poor choices. A good father would do his best to help his ex for the sake of his children (but that’s hard to do when you have cheated on her).

Cheaters often say ‘kids are resilient, they’ll want me to be happy’.

I hope his ex realises she’s best off without him and turns it around.

But what came first the drinking or the husbands behaviour

I have known many women who have had to cope with their dh’s affairs and being left pregnant and already with a toddler/young child and I don’t know a single one who has turned to drinking. The need to look after their children takes over. I think the drinking was always there. It probably got to a point where the father did go out looking for someone else and exw probably didn’t notice till it was too late.

<strong>Social worker very much sees her as a 'warrior' who's overcome her problems</strong>

Have you pointed out she clearly has not overcome her problems

No - even if she was the OW at that point and that caused an issue in the immediate term which would be understandable - 7 years on, still weaponising that pain against the whole world including your children is not ok. If that was the situation then yes they may never be on the best of terms but it is more likely that this behaviour was pre-existing and has simply continued. OP if you are still reading… don’t respond. Log everything, report regularly to police and to SC when any threatening behaviour arises or wherever there is a concern for children. Have dates and specifics logged too.

Record all withheld phone calls when you get them.
Keep a log of every time she calls.
Don’t engage or retaliate.
Contsct SS again.

sympathies changed when people realised this is a situation of her own making. The ex is a victim as much as the children.

To suggest people are perfect because they abhor women who sleep with married men is insane. And if you are happy to be the OW own your actions and the consequences of your action.

Out of interest, is it nastier to tear a family apart or dislike people who do?

I don’t know what pissing port wine means.

I wouldn’t be in this situation though because I wouldn’t sleep with a married man, let alone with a pregnant wife and a toddler. There is nothing so unattractive as a wedding ring.

No one comes out of it well, what's irked me is the OP's talk of the ex's awfulness without any acknowledgement that the woman's likely a bit broken precisely because of her and DH behaviour. It doesn't make any of it OK, those poor children are been let down on all fronts, not least by the father who's apparently powerless to help them.

Ex may well be awful, but OP and DH need to look at themselves too.

I'm not sure we need the entire history other than the fact that there was an 'overlap' when a baby was on the way and a young toddler was on the scene. I do agree with you though in that it's the children that are the victims in all of this. Victims of the OP and partners actions. And the ex, she's a victim in it all really as well.

Anyway, enough time spent on this thread for me today, I'm just saddened by how many horrible people there are out there who would act in such a dishonourable way as the OP and partner have

I know but we don't know the full story really. Unfortunately I don't think we will ever know. I admit it doesn't look good and DH seems to be pumping out kids left right and centre but can't afford a lawyer as others have said. At the moment I'm keeping an open mind on the OP but feel sorry for the kids. If the ex was that worried about her kids she would get help with the alcohol problems.

I don't think anyone on this thread is perfect, nor do they profess to be. I'm certainly not, I've made my fair share of mistakes. But to get with and stay with a guy who has a pregnant partner and little toddler? Would you sink so low?

Ah well, that's OK then to destroy someone's life, because lots of wonen end up surviving it.