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Original poster

To tell my husbands ex to **** off?!

237 replies

jdh877 · 30/04/2024 21:49

Hi all,

Cut a long story short. Been with husband 8 years, married for 3. Already have a child together. He has 2 boys from previous relationship. Ex is a horrible piece of work, alcoholic, narcissist, threatened me since day dot. We've always tried to keep things nice for the boys but things took a turn last year when services got involved as she was drinking again. Went from having the kids 80:20, to when social services said she was fit to parent again, she stopped my husband seeing them due to him 'taking them away from her'. She's only allowed him sporadic contact when it suits her. Just to clarify, they were removed as she was blind drunk choking on her vomit when the children came down for breakfast one morning. Social services have said she's fit to parent and need to make application to court. Can't afford a solicitor, or any of the fees due to all our savings being used for therapy for the boys and bridging the gap financially whilst they've been with us majority of the time. CMS took too long to investigate our claims so all this time my husband was still having to pay her maintenance, was warned if he didn't they would deduct from
Wages. Overall, horrible, horrible woman. Horrible horrible situation. Poor kids.

Found out we're unexpectedly pregnant, despite all the shit show of the past year or so, we're delighted. We've experienced loss and infertility so this baby is super special to us.

Obviously we've told the boys, my husband FaceTimes them regularly (when she allows). They were super excited. But obviously now their mum knows...

So tonight I've had an unknown caller calling me a fat whore down the phone (lovely) slurring words obviously.

My husband has had an unknown call telling him that's he's going to pretend he has done unthinkable things to her, that she's going to make sure he ends up in jail, that if that doesn't work she's going to harm me and our children...

I'm genuinely fucking done... I just want to tell her to FUCK OFF. but she's genuinely unhinged and I know it'll turn into something and I haven't got it in me. What the fuck do I do. It was the same with my last baby. She ruined my pregnancy and I just majorly fucking cba. She is the worst person I've ever met. And she's never going away. It's never going to stop.

Police not interested, said she's probably just upset from the news and not counted as harassment as didn't report all past instances. Said it's more of a civil issue but to ring if she turns up to the house. Feel like I'm being failed by everyone. Husband doesn't know what to do, he does everything right and she still comes back with something else.

OP posts:
Donotneedit · 02/05/2024 21:31

Hotchocolateand5marshmellows · 02/05/2024 21:16

Maybe but I'm not sure how fast you can get to court either without a solicitor as even with one they had to go to mediation first to prove it hadn't worked before they were even given a court date. I really don't think it's as cheap/easy as some people think.

In op's situation I'd call social services if I was really worried about the children and the mum being an alcoholic.

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It is easy to go to the family court without a solicitor (I’ve had the misfortune of being dragged unfairly through the family court system for 10 years, so I know what I’m talking about), you don’t actually have to engage in mediation if one or both parties tell the mediator there has been abusive behaviour then they will give you a statement saying you are not suitable for mediation . Then you are free to go ahead and make the application to the courts. This would be the way to get regular access sorted, social se vices are unlikely to intervene in this.
I will say that if the other party seems to mysteriously have the funds for a solicitor, it may be that they got legal aid, it’s very difficult to get this these days. You essentially have to be living in poverty and also have a background of proven domestic abuse so it’s possible there’s a lot more to that story than you are aware of

Illpickthatup · 02/05/2024 21:26

Hotchocolateand5marshmellows · 02/05/2024 21:16

Maybe but I'm not sure how fast you can get to court either without a solicitor as even with one they had to go to mediation first to prove it hadn't worked before they were even given a court date. I really don't think it's as cheap/easy as some people think.

In op's situation I'd call social services if I was really worried about the children and the mum being an alcoholic.

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It's cheaper than a new baby.

KTSl1964 · 02/05/2024 21:24

She’s not fit to parent - she’s abusive and it’s not acceptable- is she being monitored by social services? Contact NSPCC for advice. The damage that woman is doing to her children is ten fold. Look up adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families - I’m one of them. Being drunk is one thing but the abuse is her as a person.
Poor kids - do the see the Dad regularly or is she still punishing him.
Are the around other health people - let’s bloody hope so. 🌺

StaunchMomma · 02/05/2024 21:19

I'd be ringing the police to say she's an alcoholic wo's drunk in charge of kids and ask for a welfare check on them.

She plays games because DH has always stuck to the rules to keep her sweet. She won't expect you to play hard ball too.

DH got the blame for 'taking the kids off her' last time anyway, so whatever happens will be his fault. Might as well do the right thing and make sure they're ok.

Hotchocolateand5marshmellows · 02/05/2024 21:16

Illpickthatup · 02/05/2024 20:10

That's why it cost thousands, because he used a solicitor. If you self represent, which many do, you only have to pay the £232 court fee.

Show quote history

Maybe but I'm not sure how fast you can get to court either without a solicitor as even with one they had to go to mediation first to prove it hadn't worked before they were even given a court date. I really don't think it's as cheap/easy as some people think.

In op's situation I'd call social services if I was really worried about the children and the mum being an alcoholic.

kkloo · 02/05/2024 20:27

She ruined my pregnancy

By the sounds of it you ruined hers too.

Ex is a horrible piece of work, alcoholic, narcissist, threatened me since day dot. We've always tried to keep things nice for the boys

I'm not someone who thinks affairs are black and white and I don't automatically think that those who cheat are evil but I can understand her threats to you and if by 'keeping things nice for the boys' you mean he was taking his toddler and baby to be around you straight away and acting like you two were the mature, responsible ones and she was the unreasonable one then you both behaved like assholes and that would have been incredibly provocative and inflammatory.

Overall, horrible, horrible woman. Horrible horrible situation. Poor kids.

Sounds like you had a major part to play in causing the horrible situation.

She is the worst person I've ever met. And she's never going away. It's never going to stop.

It seems the feeling is mutual! She feels about you the way you feel about her.

Obviously she can't be threatening you and your kids and her own kids need to be looked after but you really need to reflect on your own behaviour and lose the superior attitude and understand that this is a traumatised woman and you are not blameless. Even if you get custody and the kids grow up thinking you and your partner are the better parents....one day they'll realise that you and your husband both had a part to play in their massively damaged childhood.

Illpickthatup · 02/05/2024 20:10

Hotchocolateand5marshmellows · 02/05/2024 19:41

Court costs are absolutely not £300

I don't know all the financial details but my relative took his ex to court because she used thier child as a pawn and he could only see him as and when she said so, so he wanted a more fair consistent schedule. It cost thousands and he could only afford it because his parents (the child's grandparents) lent him the money. To this day I don't know how the ex paid for her solicitor but they both had solicitors.

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That's why it cost thousands, because he used a solicitor. If you self represent, which many do, you only have to pay the £232 court fee.

Hotchocolateand5marshmellows · 02/05/2024 19:41

Trainbother · 02/05/2024 08:58

I'm afraid I'm always a bit wary of men who have terrible exes but "cant" afford to do what's needed to protect their children. As PP said court costs are £300.

Can you really accept a situation where it's not possible to do whatever it tales to get the children away from this, for the sake of a few hundred pounds?

I'm not saying it's not a terrible situation to be in, it must be awful for everyone, but to give up? Will he give up on your children when they need him most?

Court costs are absolutely not £300

I don't know all the financial details but my relative took his ex to court because she used thier child as a pawn and he could only see him as and when she said so, so he wanted a more fair consistent schedule. It cost thousands and he could only afford it because his parents (the child's grandparents) lent him the money. To this day I don't know how the ex paid for her solicitor but they both had solicitors.

StormingNorman · 02/05/2024 19:41

Dweetfidilove · 02/05/2024 19:37

I’m sure ‘good pussy’ OP and the husband were the ones who had the children last time the ‘understandable and excusable’ drunk was found choking on her vomit.

Though he’s decided he cannot afford legal fees, I read the OP as they will gladly have the children back once SS removes them again.

Hopefully he will refuse to return them next time, then his ex will take him to court and he’ll be able to maintain custody. By then he’ll probably have to put the children through therapy again too. What a mess

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Can’t afford £200-£300 to go to court? But can afford to go ahead with a pregnancy? Every decision this pair make is me, me, me.

Dweetfidilove · 02/05/2024 19:37

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I’m sure ‘good pussy’ OP and the husband were the ones who had the children last time the ‘understandable and excusable’ drunk was found choking on her vomit.

Though he’s decided he cannot afford legal fees, I read the OP as they will gladly have the children back once SS removes them again.

Hopefully he will refuse to return them next time, then his ex will take him to court and he’ll be able to maintain custody. By then he’ll probably have to put the children through therapy again too. What a mess

TinyYellow · 02/05/2024 19:27

However bad the mothers parenting was, your new baby is not ‘super special’. This baby is no more special or important than the two children your partner has already fathered.

No one chooses to be an alcoholic that can’t cope with their children, she just didn’t have the emotional resources to cope with the shit that was thrown at her by you and your husband. People who have been hurt often want to hurt back as a way to cope. You play with fire you deserve to get burned.

TheCultureHusks · 02/05/2024 19:19

Oh dear OP you should have left out the dates…

I feel very sorry for all the children involved in this. By the way, you’ve spent all your savings on therapy for them and one is only 7? Really?

Your husband needs to take charge and yes go to court if necessary. But, of course she hates you. Of course she wants to ruin your pregnancy. I would just lie low, you can’t ever fix what you did, stay out of the way. Support your husband to try and engage with her to get the best outcome for their children.

Lol though at ‘my husband does everything right and she still comes back with something else’ WELL I can think of one thing he could have done right, and then none of this would have happened, and that was not to have an affair and dump her while she was pregnant. The pair of you deserve each other 🤷‍♀️

BirthdayRainbow · 02/05/2024 19:00

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Really necessary? Come on.

StormingNorman · 02/05/2024 18:56

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ChicDreamer · 02/05/2024 18:56

Scirocco · 02/05/2024 09:09

What a mess.

So, from the timings you've given, you're the OW and you and DH were having an affair while his then-wife was pregnant with their child. Then he left her with 2 young children to be with you longer term. Now she is expected to co-parent with her ex and the OW. And, she has to cope with knowing that there is a risk of her losing custody of her children and having them go back to live with her ex and the OW. That's a lot for her to 'get over'. Rather than thinking "she's vile", it might help you keep your cool if you can think that she's in a horrible situation, so it's understandable that she'll be upset and not the easiest person to get along with. This isn't a case of an amicable separation and then a new blended family / co-parenting set-up developing years later. She almost certainly won't just 'get over' this or change how she feels, so it's a case of understanding her behaviour, having coping strategies in place, and managing it.

If she's intoxicated and responsible for the children, contact police and social work. If she's wasted, then she can't keep young children safe. Do this every time - even if the police/SW don't do anything the first few times, it builds up a pattern of evidence.

Record and document everything. This is your evidence for any harassment/stalking/other legal case. It's also reflective of her state of mind and fitness to parent if the children are having to see and hear things like verbal abuse and threats to harm their other caregivers. Get legal advice, show it to the police, show it to SW. This is evidence for your custody case too.

Get a legally confirmed custody / child contact arrangement organised. Get legal advice and representation if you need it. A few hundred or even thousand pounds on legal input is worth it, to protect your DH's children. If you'd do it for your child, he should do it for his.

If his ex-wife can't be relied upon to use your personal contact details respectfully, then she needs to not have them, so that you aren't living with stress every time your personal phone rings. Get a 'work phone' which is used solely for communication between DH and her, and give her that number. Either change your personal numbers or block her number. Then, any inappropriate calls are only going to that phone, so you can mentally prepare for it and even mute it if needed. Similarly, get a 'work email' to be used for co-parenting.

This.

MzHz · 02/05/2024 18:52

PassingStranger · 01/05/2024 14:08

Grow up how will swearing at her help?Keep calm and business like. Be better than that. Don't stoop that low.

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Yeah yeah yeah… and we ALL read the OP. No need to bloody quote it!

Anonymous2025 · 02/05/2024 18:48

Your husbands is sort you to blame here . He should be fighting for the boys , he should be contacting the school , the children GP , social services until he was heard .
As per now what I would I do was report every issue straight away and request a safeguard check in the children since she is drink so clearly unable to care for them . Please get the kids out

taylorswift1989 · 02/05/2024 18:48

Trainbother · 02/05/2024 18:09

But that support is not what OP asked for.

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So what? She didn't ask to be shamed for being the ow either, but that didn't stop anyone.

Tbf, some pp have made suggestions about what OP can do to better protect the kids, so hopefully that has got through.

StormingNorman · 02/05/2024 18:45

Yalta · 02/05/2024 16:32

But what came first the drinking or the husbands behaviour

I have known many women who have had to cope with their dh’s affairs and being left pregnant and already with a toddler/young child and I don’t know a single one who has turned to drinking. The need to look after their children takes over. I think the drinking was always there. It probably got to a point where the father did go out looking for someone else and exw probably didn’t notice till it was too late.

<strong>Social worker very much sees her as a 'warrior' who's overcome her problems</strong>

Have you pointed out she clearly has not overcome her problems

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Although she is very much a warrior.

babyproblems · 02/05/2024 18:39

I’d record her on the phone and go back to social services. If what you are saying is all true and she is drinking again she is not fit to have the kids. Really your husband needs full custody awarded by court.. feel very very sorry for her children.

Trainbother · 02/05/2024 18:09

taylorswift1989 · 02/05/2024 18:02

As for your original post about everyone else being judgemental about the OP, you seem to be quite judgemental about me and other posters as well.

Yes, I am judgemental about people who are more interested in shaming and blaming a woman for her past mistakes than trying to help support two isolated and likely abused kids. Absolutely 100% happy to make the judgement that it's more important to have the conversation that may lead to the kids being better protected than it is to treat the OP like she's in some kind of witch trial.

If you've not been doing that then great. Plenty have, though.

But that support is not what OP asked for.

taylorswift1989 · 02/05/2024 18:02

As for your original post about everyone else being judgemental about the OP, you seem to be quite judgemental about me and other posters as well.

Yes, I am judgemental about people who are more interested in shaming and blaming a woman for her past mistakes than trying to help support two isolated and likely abused kids. Absolutely 100% happy to make the judgement that it's more important to have the conversation that may lead to the kids being better protected than it is to treat the OP like she's in some kind of witch trial.

If you've not been doing that then great. Plenty have, though.

Trainbother · 02/05/2024 18:02

taylorswift1989 · 02/05/2024 17:40

I think that people playing detective with posts like this do harm. There are two little kids who are likely being abused. But now OP can't get any advice about how to help them because a bunch of people think it's more important to shame and blame her for a supposed affair. What good is being achieved by that? So you've made a woman feel like shit, well done. What a great achievement, what a wonderful contribution to the world.

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OP doesn't want advice about how to help the children, it was all about her and her pregnancy.

EasternEcho · 02/05/2024 17:56

@taylorswift1989 I think you are picking on the wrong person to have this argument. I wasn't one of those who picked on OP about whatever happened in the past. I merely replied to your comment when you said it was "unlikely". Which in itself is detective work on your part.

What I did point out in my one previous post on this thread is that people are focusing on protecting the children, which is, as you pointed out, the priority. But the OP did not seek advice on the children. She simply wants the ex to fuck off and not ruin her pregnancy. She has already stated she won't go to court regarding the kids. So going on about protecting the kids isn't what the OP is interested in or came here to talk about.

As for your original post about everyone else being judgemental about the OP, you seem to be quite judgemental about me and other posters as well.

taylorswift1989 · 02/05/2024 17:51

But @EasternEcho Who gives a fuck if she was the OW? Why is that more important than the two kids in the situation?

Of course OP isn't going to come back to be abused by a bunch of strangers. Would you? Whether it's true or not.