To tell my husbands ex to **** off?!

If I were you, I would stop her from having your telephone numbers and make her communicate with the two of you via a coparenting app. It keeps the focus on the day to day of the children and it doesn't allow abusive messages to be sent.

She doesn't have the right to call you if she's going to use it to be nasty.

First things first, congratulations!

Keep reporting everything to the police. Highlight that her behaviour towards your husband is deemed as domestic abuse. It absolutely is domestic abuse.

Please also tell the police that you let pregnant and in a state of vulnerability due to this, and that her threat of violence towards you and the kids is very real.

When contacting social work… tell them that you’re deeply concerned about her behaviour when she has the kids. Her frame of mind is dangerous and that is so harmful for the kids to be around.

If she is drunk and threatening you guys then you can bet your bottom dollar she’s saying all sorts in front of the kids… again this is domestic abuse.

It might be worth suggesting that the kids attend Cedar Programme with Women’s Aid. This is for kids that experience or have experienced domestic abuse.

Do not just put up with this, and do not react to her. Both the police and social work have a duty of care here to both you, your partner, all of the kids involved including your unborn child, and to the her as well.

Sending my love… keep pushing for help and support here because none of this is acceptable x

Excellent advice 👏

What Solicitor told you this? Your husband isn't legally obliged to pay maintenance if he is the sole parent. They couldn't deduct it from his wages without taking him to court in front of a judge. You're unlikely to ever see that money again.

Time to put boundaries and structure in place, instead of a lot of people mouthing off and being hysterical.

Seriosuly, what would it achieve to tell her to "fuck off". Would it make you feel big and grown up?

So obviously current reactions, drama and hitting out are not working.

Will her two sons feel better if you demonise her?

So work out:

1. What is the current situation regarding her two sons? If they have to live with her, what support can you offer to them? How do you make them also feel part of your family, and that you're there, if they need you?

2. You're pregnant. What do you need for a healthy pregnancy? What do you need to do to protect your baby's future childhood from all this screaming and shouting and malice?

3. Work out the small things. Like "safe space". If the boys visit, keep comments about mum out of it. On special occasions (don't waste your time on what day Christmas is. It works equally well on the 26th, 27th 28th of December) - build your own fun traditions. Easter egg hunts. Birthday routines. You don't need to own the calendar date - you just need the fun of your own family traditions to celebrate an occasion.

4. Put as much emotional distance as you can between your family and angry ex. But you can only do that, if you step back, realise she's petty and angry, and make better choices.

5. If you keep being weighed down by anger and wanting to hit back, you're an immature person. And you're all going to drag each other down to the lowest standards. And your DC will suffer from it.

Record and document everything. You can download an App that automatically records any calls you receive. Report to SS if alcohol is being abused again. Dealing with a narcissist is horrible, they crave attention. Try to ignore as best you can, especially as you're pregnant. Good luck ❤

I would call your local Safeguarding Team helpline and say you're are concerned about the safety of the children due to her heavy drinking. Is she driving them to school for example? She's unlikely to be sober. Safeguarding will kick SS into gear.

Frankly, I am off the idea that parents who have no contact with his children are parents who didn’t try enough. But as I said, you need to play a long game and it will be horrendous, not the sort of stress a pregnant woman should be getting on. Hence why I suggested the Op to let her husband to it and keep a record of incidents. The records I had was what saved me from spending £10,000s in that battle.

But saying that can be done for £300 court fees? Ha, only if both parts agree on the first court hearing. Considering how pissed of the exW is, the drunkness and erratic that is unlikely to happen. That will lead to months and months of CAFCAS involvement, children advocates, etc.

If they can afford another child, they can afford a solicitor.

Agree, not really that cheap if you are dealing with an ex who is doing their utmost to screw you up and can afford a long legal battle.

My bill was well over 3k, one of my friends spent over 50k and was unsuccessful… just to get full residence a few years later when her exh sent their child to hospital with broken bones. Until then, he was seen as a fit parent by CAFCASS, Social Services and the courts despite constant “accidents” when the child was with him.

Another friend did self represent, but not knowing how courts work, didn’t do so well against a bully ex armed with a proper solicitor.

I’d also then consult a solicitor & go for full custody of them yes you’ve got a little on & another on the way, but these two little boys need a loving safe stable home & maybe it’s time dad fought like a lion for his boys.

You would consult a solicitor. I would consult a solicitor. Any fucking halfway decent human being would consult a solicitor and ensure the children access to a loving home. Just not the 'father' of these two boys, oh no, not at all in 8 long years. All he can manage is to have another baby.

This.

Tired old excuse about not being able to afford a solicitor because you don't actually need one. If you can't afford £232 how can you afford another child?

The court fee is waived completely if you're low income.

Red flags everywhere here.

That kind of toxic attitude isn't in the boys best interests either.
Better yes but best? absolutely not.
And as for it being a loving, stable home, again better yes but probably not the home the boys deserve.

Sounds like the mother was destroyed by the affair, OP has no self awareness and is a hypocrite complaining about her pregnancy being ruined when she ruined the OPs also and risked harm to the children.

Getting them out of the mothers home isn't the end of the road....they will then have the long term impact of what has happened and the long term impact of being taken from their mothers home and the fact she became an unfit mother and couldn't raise them.

You'd actually think it was ok to destroy a mother with an affair, then get custody of her kids and then phone her up to laugh and tell her to fuck right off. That's nasty, cruel and evil.

I'd say there is a lot more to this story if social services think the boy is best placed with his mum rather than their dad.

Your being failed by social services, Fuck her being a sodding warrior over coming addiction the social worker is there to protect the best interests of those little boys; seeing their mother pissed out of her brain isn’t in their best interests; it’s damaging them; it’s not safe for them to be in a home with her in her alcohol induced state what if the house goes up in flames? Is the old soak going to be in a fit state to guide to sleepy boys out of the home safely? Is she going to be able to call emergency services. Go higher than the social worker go to her manager & explain their not doing their job in the best interests of these two little boys; get your husband to speak to the school to find out how they’re doing in school; are they arriving on time, have they eaten; are they clean etc get information from after school clubs; does mum pick the up pissed do they walk home alone - is he happy for his kids to do this given their young age; then go in & smack SS with this information & make sure you can evidence the boys were settled with you clean; fed, at school on time; had slept a full night etc. I’d also then consult a solicitor & go for full custody of them yes you’ve got a little on & another on the way, but these two little boys need a loving safe stable home & maybe it’s time dad fought like a lion for his boys. You can then have the immense pleasure of phoning her up & telling exactly what you think of her & tell her to Fuck Right Off 😂😂😂😂

Where have you gone OP?

People are asking you questions.

It seems since you mistakenly (I take it) disclosed his youngest with his ex is only 7, and you've been together for 8 years, you are 50% responsible for the break up of their marriage.

Why can't you take responsibility for that?

Did the ex have a drink problem before your affair?
Or did he leave her because she had a drink problem?

You need to tell people who keep asking you.

And your priority is those children.
You and your DH should be doing all you can to protect them whilst their mum gets the help she needs.

Get a restraining order, barring her from contacting you. Don't get angry with her, it will cause you stress and effect your pregnancy. I know this easier said than done, but just try to remember she is is someone in the grips of a disease.

Pathetic. Reported, Miss!

Yeah, that excuse doesn’t fly at all. Hopefully OP is busy telling him to sort that shit out, though at this point I’d just not return them if she’s on the bottle again. Poor children ☹️.

Completely agree the picture the OP paints sounds like an urgent situation, they could do both though couldn’t they. Social services are 1. overstretched and very dysfunctional and 2. will never replace the involvement of a stable parent over the long run. so I would say doing both both are equally a priority.
a police welfare check is the way to get a safe adult into the house while it’s happening, they would then refer on to SS who may well do nothing and advise the father to go to court. The system is very broken

If this is real/accurate I'll eat my hat

Troll hunting is against the rules. If you don't like it then don't use the site.

Reported.

If anything the mum was abusive but I'm not getting into all the details on here, not the point of the thread anyway.

Social services have been involved with these children before, the op believes the mum is drinking on a regular basis and thier dad isn't seeing them in person. At 7 and 10 I wouldn't be messing around trying to get a court date I'd be asking someone to look up the history and go check on my kids.

You've been together 8 years.

His youngest child with her is 7.

How does that work then?

Agree to call the police for a welfare check on the children every time she calls either of you drunk. Record everything and start logging it with police, it is harassement and sorry people aren’t helping the more kids.

Since when is legal aid available like that??? What nonsense is that???

To start with, it can be extremely difficult to prove is a child protection case but even if it was, do you think so many divorced parents would be spending £10,000s in legal fees to protect their kids if they could get legal aid? The threahold for it is so low you won’t qualify even if you are struggling to pay your rent, and if you do, it is not that you have a solicitor to use at leisure, the time they give you is very very limited as well.