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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband who is hopeless with the baby

62 replies

SunnyAutumn24 · 30/04/2024 19:41

Am I being unreasonable? I've lost the plot with what is reasonable or not. We've got a two month old baby and two older kids. This time I said I needed their Dad to be involved overnight. I had a c section. He managed two broken nights (which involved him stomping about, huffing being generally p*ssed off, out bursts of anger throughout the day due to feeling "so tired"). I've done broken nights for SIX years. I was in pain overnight recovering from caesarean birth putting baby back in the cot. I told him this and he still didn't get up. I wanted him to do the settling after the breastfeed and put baby down. He said he would do nappies overnight, but I could settle them essentially because he says it's easy for me.
I explained in the first week that if he doesn't learn to settle baby it will go the way of the other two children who massively favour me. Particularly when small. I know it's normal for primary caregiver to be no. 1. But is it normal for a baby to scream bloody murder with their Dad at two months old (supposedly younger than separation anxiety hits, and was recently settled with a range of extended family who baby had never met before.). He gets angry saying it's the baby being ridiculous (makes me beyond angry) I feel it's that he only takes a happy, fed baby. Or a fast asleep one who is transfered onto him lying down. When baby is grizzly if I give ideas of what might help he gets furious with me and it causes arguments. But he's so quickly angered by a crying baby I can't help but feel it's his fault they don't settle. 1. He doesn't try and 2. He loses his temper and is tense and angry and in no way soothing. Is this normal?? I don't know any other dads who are incapable of settling their baby (has been the case with all three children) but he tells me it's easy for mums and awful for dads. Am I being unreasonable to think it's his laziness and anger that are the issues? I'm fed up of having to do all the parenting of any child when they are upset as he's unable to manage his own emotions enough to help. Please help. I'm so lost with it all and staring down another argument if I try and bring any of this up. 😕

OP posts:
RomeoRivers · 30/04/2024 20:16

Nice husbands don’t shout at their wives.

mightydolphin · 30/04/2024 20:13

I think it depends on the baby. My first refused to settle for anyone but me for a long time but my second was a dream. She settles for anyone and everyone.

Your partner shouldn't be shouting or losing his temper though. Have you discussed the impact of his anger on the DC when you are both feeling calm before?

RomeoRivers · 30/04/2024 20:12

You need to sit down with him and spell it out:

*You need help, you cannot be the only one making sacrifices/ coping with the tough parts of parenthood; you need to be a team.

*Tell him you appreciate that baby is hard work, but the only way to improve their relationship is practise.

*Tell him all the techniques you use to settle baby/ deal with the exhaustion. If he tries to give baby back to you, walk away and say just keep trying, same as I do.

If you don’t force him to step up now then it will never happen.

If he responds in anger, you need to think about leaving.

dragonscannotswim · 30/04/2024 20:11

Why did you have three kids with this bloke if he's so consistently useless and abusive?

Original poster
SunnyAutumn24 · 30/04/2024 20:07

Halfemptyhalfling · 30/04/2024 19:52

I think if you are breastfeeding it's easier if you do overnights and he takes baby either first thing in the morning or last thing at night depending if he is a morning or evening person which gives you an early night or lie in. Alternatively if he isn't out during the day he could give you a nap in the afternoon.

If he takes the child after a feed then least likely to be grizzly and he can bring back when baby gets tired.

Actually babies grizzle more with their mum's as they can smell milk and can be more easily distracted with other adults.

Can he wear baby in a sling so baby can see out and he can get on with stuff or go for a walk.

Some people aren't so good with babies but they might have other things they are good at.

Most babies don't settle well and it might be you are especially good at it

Sorry. I'm new to mumsnet. I did reply but hadn't quoted your message so I don't know if you can see my reply

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyAutumn24 · 30/04/2024 20:06

Damnyourheadshoulderskneesandtoes · 30/04/2024 19:56

He's a spoilt lazy brat who's shouting at you and your baby for having the audacity to need his help. I would inform him that shouting at your wife and children is abusive, and you'll ring the police if he continues this angry abusive behavior. Stand your ground and keep your boundaries firm, don't let him abuse you while you're vulnerable. There are people who can help.

He makes me feel that being shouted at is perfectly reasonable in a relationship, that it's "part of it" and if I challenge his anger in front of the children (I do this regularly, as I don't think it's acceptable and I dont want them to think its ok) he gets even more angry and accuses me of thinking I'm "Mother Teresa" and "you're not perfect, you just show you're angry in a different way". Do other husbands shout at their partners? I certainly never recall my Dad doing it and it really upsets me

OP posts:
Elmlee · 30/04/2024 20:03

I'm sorry you're struggling OP.
I do think men and women generally are build so differently.
I think we very much get on with it and men to struggle to bond especially in the start (in some cases)
He does sound lazy and I'd be equally frustrated at his behaviour.
It does feel like an excuse in some ways, having a newborn is so hard, it does test boundaries and your marriage for sure.
We are pregnant with baby no2... total surprise and found out very late at 27+4! Not sure how I feel about balancing 2 🥹🥹

Original poster
SunnyAutumn24 · 30/04/2024 20:01

RomeoRivers · 30/04/2024 19:55

Sorry you’re struggling OP.

It is much harder for dads at the beginning because baby will want mum and often what comes instinctively for us, needs to be learnt by them. However, this is baby no.3 so he should have learnt by now.

I don’t think you’re BU to want him to put his emotions aside and step up, but I do think you were BU to have a 3rd child with him, given that he proved himself useless the first 2 times.

Thanks. Yep fair point, I'm wondering the same. I was convinced second time would be different and it wasn't. Should have learned before the third. He did a good job of convincing me it would be different this time, I've been with him since I was 18 and no other serious relationships so I don't think I have a good idea of what is acceptable, or not, in a relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyAutumn24 · 30/04/2024 19:57

We bought a sling especially for him to wear, but he chooses not to (baby loves the sling and settled with him in it the two times he wore it). He lies on the sofa and wants baby to be settled with him there, I suggest walking around, rocking, sling (these work for me) but he won't try them and gets angry with me for suggesting she doesn't like lying on the sofa much.

It felt like magic when extended family swept baby away and she was so happy. I wish he could do that as I see other partners do. Unfortunately they all live a 4 hour drive away so there isn't family help day to day.

OP posts:
Damnyourheadshoulderskneesandtoes · 30/04/2024 19:56

He's a spoilt lazy brat who's shouting at you and your baby for having the audacity to need his help. I would inform him that shouting at your wife and children is abusive, and you'll ring the police if he continues this angry abusive behavior. Stand your ground and keep your boundaries firm, don't let him abuse you while you're vulnerable. There are people who can help.

RomeoRivers · 30/04/2024 19:55

Sorry you’re struggling OP.

It is much harder for dads at the beginning because baby will want mum and often what comes instinctively for us, needs to be learnt by them. However, this is baby no.3 so he should have learnt by now.

I don’t think you’re BU to want him to put his emotions aside and step up, but I do think you were BU to have a 3rd child with him, given that he proved himself useless the first 2 times.

Halfemptyhalfling · 30/04/2024 19:52

I think if you are breastfeeding it's easier if you do overnights and he takes baby either first thing in the morning or last thing at night depending if he is a morning or evening person which gives you an early night or lie in. Alternatively if he isn't out during the day he could give you a nap in the afternoon.

If he takes the child after a feed then least likely to be grizzly and he can bring back when baby gets tired.

Actually babies grizzle more with their mum's as they can smell milk and can be more easily distracted with other adults.

Can he wear baby in a sling so baby can see out and he can get on with stuff or go for a walk.

Some people aren't so good with babies but they might have other things they are good at.

Most babies don't settle well and it might be you are especially good at it