Husband who is hopeless with the baby

He’s utterly useless. I did vote YABU though because you had a third child knowing what he was like. At this point it’s like blaming a puppy for pissing on the carpet.

The bottom line is that he's not going to help with the baby, or not in any useful sense. I think that the best thing would be for him to pick up the slack with your other two children and you care for the baby. Not ideal but at least it will calm things down for the next few months. Would be good to talk to him when you are both calm and not overtired about him raising his voice and how unacceptable it is. Verbal abuse is still abuse and he needs to control his temper.

No relationship is perfect. Me and dp had a pretty rocky relationship before the kids - but it was in no way one sided. We would shout, we would make up. We've both mellowed a huge amount with age and now maybe argue twice a year? But we don't shout anymore. Being shouted at, ridiculed, or made to doubt yourself is not acceptable. End of.

With the baby (ignoring that he's proven himself useless), to example what is normal. Our second is now 2 and still breastfed (first was bottle so I'll ignore him) - she has a ridiculous preference for me, and has wanted me exclusively since birth until the last couple of months when she's finally seeking out her dad to play and cuddle. But, despite this preference, dp has always offered, taken her, walked her etc, and supported me when I just need some time not being touched. Yes she screamed at him (not so much now) but he wouldn't get cross and palm her off, because he's an adult and understands why this preference exists.

I'm so sorry you're lacking physical support after a cesarean especially. Honestly he sounds crap all round.

I'm so sorry your partner treats you like this 😔 it's not ok for him to shout at you, especially in front of your children, what a horrible atmosphere for them to grow up in. The fact that he can't be bothered to walk about rocking the baby but just wants to lie on the sofa says it all really. He's selfish and lazy and expects you to do all the hard stuff. Do you really want to stay in this relationship?

Surely by the third child he must know babies love movement and know the minute you’ve sat down!

I breastfed and my husband did all the night nappy changes etc
He needs to stop making excuses

he's not so useless once the babies are kids, so I guess my mind focused on the positives and forgot some of the nasty bits which arise when they are babies.

Take the kids out of it, this man ignores your needs, he is not a partner to you. Partners keep each other afloat. He let's you sink.

That my standards are too high and I'm always trying to change him

Well if that's true then why did he have to "convince " you he would be different with this baby? Surely that proves he needs to change...

I know the answer to that question, it was to shut you up and allow him to get on with life exactly how he's always done it.

He likes it that way and shouts at you to get you to back down.

He is abusive.

He is shouting your needs away, his children's too.

He is only putting his needs and wants first and throwing his family a few crumbs when he feels like it...just enough to keep you from leaving him.

He is controlling you with anger so you will shut up about your needs.

He is also gaslighting you by telling you it's normal and you are overreacting.

He does not respect you, I'm sorry you are living this, it is most definitely not a normal relationship.

My abusive ex shouted at me. My lovely partner does not. Has not and would never raise his voice to me. Even when I'm being the pain the arse mardy grumpy one, he is calm and patient and talks me through it. He does the same with my toddler. He has never reacted in anger to me or my child.

Good men don't shout at women.
Good men don't blame babies for crying.
Good men don't refuse to help care for their own children.

Let me ask you this, do you want your sons to grow up and be like him? Do you want your daughter to marry men like him?

No? Then stop teaching them that's how men behave. Because if they grow up in this household, best case scenario is that they see that its toxic and will cut you both out of their lives. Worst case is they end up thinking its normal and choosing the same for themselves.

DH and so have been together for 12 years. In all that time we've shouted at each other once. Don't get me wrong, we have disagreements but they're respectful.

Shouting at you and huffing and puffing when he's asked to do something not only completely reasonable but something you'd expect a loving husband to want to do when his wife has had a cessation is not ok.

I clicked on this thread assuming it was going to be about a first time father.
YABVVU thinking he would have miraculously change with your THIRD baby!! Didn’t his behaviour with the first two warn you he’s useless?

Nope… the poster was right. Nice husbands don’t shout at their wives.

Your husband is an angry man.

You… and certainly your kids… deserve better.

Tell him that the poor baby is going to be sensing his anger through heartbeat and that's why he's screaming. The more frustrated your husband gets, the more the baby is going to cry

My first serious relationship from the ages of 17-22 was like yours. He shouted at me all the time. He made me think I was equally to blame for all the conflict. Since then, none of my other relationships have been shouty or volatile. I’m now married to the kindest, most thoughtful man ever. He never shouts at me, he calls me darling and makes me cups of tea. Our life is so calm and peaceful (despite having 2 toddlers and a baby on the way!) You could have a kind and gentle husband too. From your updates I really think you need to leave this toxic man behind. People don’t change.

Who loses their temper with a tiny baby for God's sake?

I just refuse to accept that he can’t adapt. I see it with some friends - they do all nights, early mornings, default parent stuff.

it’s honestly a load of rubbish!! You don’t need to be qualified to look after a baby. You need to put effort in, milk, nappies, clothes and patience.

we did the split so I had an early night, dh did the last feed as a bottle and settled them so I could get a good stint and then I’d do the night feed in the week. He’d do the weekends. One good lie in each at the weekend.

it has to be team work in my book. He doesn’t value you or respect you if he’s happy for you to run yourself into the ground while he gets a bachelor life. You might as well do it on your own.

our children don’t favour me or my husband fwiw.

you also have to think about the example to your kids!

Some people aren't so good with babies but they might have other things they are good at

Yes some people might be, but this is a separate issue. A husband who stomps about, is visibly angry with a very young baby, forces his wife to complete tasks when she is a few days post surgery causing her pain, has outburst of anger through the day........ it really doesn't matter what else he is good at, he's a shit husband, and a shit father. You are very vulnerable OP so soon after a baby, it makes his behaviour even more selfish and cruel.

YABU for hoping such a useless dickhead would take any interest in a third child when he couldn't be bothered with the other two.
I'd have ditched him after the first child which is exactly what I did do. I think he pretty much showed you who he was previously.

In a normal relationship you do get arguments and you do get shouting but this should be rare.

Yes relationships are hard, but the hard work is learning how to resolve conflict amicably and live in a shared space with someone - not just continually shouting until the other person gives in.