Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband who is hopeless with the baby

62 replies

SunnyAutumn24 · 30/04/2024 19:41

Am I being unreasonable? I've lost the plot with what is reasonable or not. We've got a two month old baby and two older kids. This time I said I needed their Dad to be involved overnight. I had a c section. He managed two broken nights (which involved him stomping about, huffing being generally p*ssed off, out bursts of anger throughout the day due to feeling "so tired"). I've done broken nights for SIX years. I was in pain overnight recovering from caesarean birth putting baby back in the cot. I told him this and he still didn't get up. I wanted him to do the settling after the breastfeed and put baby down. He said he would do nappies overnight, but I could settle them essentially because he says it's easy for me.
I explained in the first week that if he doesn't learn to settle baby it will go the way of the other two children who massively favour me. Particularly when small. I know it's normal for primary caregiver to be no. 1. But is it normal for a baby to scream bloody murder with their Dad at two months old (supposedly younger than separation anxiety hits, and was recently settled with a range of extended family who baby had never met before.). He gets angry saying it's the baby being ridiculous (makes me beyond angry) I feel it's that he only takes a happy, fed baby. Or a fast asleep one who is transfered onto him lying down. When baby is grizzly if I give ideas of what might help he gets furious with me and it causes arguments. But he's so quickly angered by a crying baby I can't help but feel it's his fault they don't settle. 1. He doesn't try and 2. He loses his temper and is tense and angry and in no way soothing. Is this normal?? I don't know any other dads who are incapable of settling their baby (has been the case with all three children) but he tells me it's easy for mums and awful for dads. Am I being unreasonable to think it's his laziness and anger that are the issues? I'm fed up of having to do all the parenting of any child when they are upset as he's unable to manage his own emotions enough to help. Please help. I'm so lost with it all and staring down another argument if I try and bring any of this up. 😕

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Original poster
SunnyAutumn24 · 01/05/2024 18:16

HcbSS · 01/05/2024 15:07

This. To see the light after baby no1 is understandable but why carry on bringing children into this terrible relationship where he really doesn’t care? I hope you have a steady job and plenty of support OP because with 3 young kids you are going to need it at some point.

Show quote history

Because we were both under immense pressure with significant traumatic events in our wider family, which meant that I imagined his behaviour was due to those huge levels of stress. As each child moved out of the baby stage everything improved. Unfortunately we had two phases of incredibly stressful events and both timed with the older children being babies. So I thought it was those added stressors that were more of an issue than the relationship if you see what I mean. It's only with the third newborn that there's no reason for him to be so unreasonable.

OP posts:
HcbSS · 01/05/2024 15:07

dragonscannotswim · 30/04/2024 20:11

Why did you have three kids with this bloke if he's so consistently useless and abusive?

This. To see the light after baby no1 is understandable but why carry on bringing children into this terrible relationship where he really doesn’t care? I hope you have a steady job and plenty of support OP because with 3 young kids you are going to need it at some point.

Original poster
SunnyAutumn24 · 01/05/2024 14:27

J0S · 01/05/2024 10:53

It’s not that he CANT settle his children, it’s that he doesn’t WANT TO . He only want to do the small parts of parenting that he find fun and rewarding.

So he’s bad at in on purpose so you have to step in.

I understand why you hoped it would be different this time OP , because you had a CS. It’s hard to accept that your partner is a shit, especially when he’s been blaming you for everything for years. You just think that it will be better in the future and you will try harder to keep him happy.

Yes, that's exactly it. He's good when the kids are older and fun and having a good day. He's awful when they are angry and has limited patience when they are sad.

You're right, I don't think he does want to settle the baby. He also gets annoyed if I tell people the truth about things, so on some level he knows its wrong, or at least doesn't sound good. E g. When his mum asked about sleep, I told her he only woke up for the first two nights and does the odd nappy. He tried to argue that wasn't true

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyAutumn24 · 01/05/2024 14:23

Gettingbysomehow · 01/05/2024 10:54

I'm just so appalled that he is prepared to let his wife and the mother of his children struggle like this after what is a major operation.
I wouldn't be able to get past that ever. I wish you would show him this so he can see how other people see his quite frankly abusive behaviour.
When I went to see my sister who had had a CS her husband helped her with everything, she didn't didn't have to lift a finger until she recovered from the surgery.

Show quote history

Thank you. I'm not sure what he would say / do if he saw all of these replies. Probably would say I'd not given a fair view of how things are. I suppose the first couple of days he did do more to look after me, but that wasn't enough and as soon as he was back at work it seemed that the responsibility for the house and children was all mine again. I consistently refused to walk the dog (she pulls a lot on the lead) while I was recovering and he kept asking when I would be doing it again....I felt a lot of pressure to do things that I didn't feel safe to do, in terms of my stitches.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyAutumn24 · 01/05/2024 14:18

Notimeforaname · 30/04/2024 20:46

he's not so useless once the babies are kids, so I guess my mind focused on the positives and forgot some of the nasty bits which arise when they are babies.

Take the kids out of it, this man ignores your needs, he is not a partner to you. Partners keep each other afloat. He let's you sink.

That's exactly how it felt. I was recovering from birth and it seemed like I was a burden and there was a lot of pressure to get back to doing things quickly :( I didn't think he would behave like that in all honesty.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyAutumn24 · 01/05/2024 14:16

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyAutumn24 · 01/05/2024 14:15

Noseybookworm · 30/04/2024 22:55

I'm so sorry your partner treats you like this 😔 it's not ok for him to shout at you, especially in front of your children, what a horrible atmosphere for them to grow up in. The fact that he can't be bothered to walk about rocking the baby but just wants to lie on the sofa says it all really. He's selfish and lazy and expects you to do all the hard stuff. Do you really want to stay in this relationship?

I don't know :(

OP posts:
coffy11 · 01/05/2024 11:00

He thinks the baby is your job and he will get angry and huff and puff until you stop asking him to parent his baby. Men like his don't change, no amount of discussion is going to change his attitude.

Newnamesameoldlurker · 01/05/2024 10:57

Octomama · 30/04/2024 20:27

Some people aren't so good with babies but they might have other things they are good at

Yes some people might be, but this is a separate issue. A husband who stomps about, is visibly angry with a very young baby, forces his wife to complete tasks when she is a few days post surgery causing her pain, has outburst of anger through the day........ it really doesn't matter what else he is good at, he's a shit husband, and a shit father. You are very vulnerable OP so soon after a baby, it makes his behaviour even more selfish and cruel.

I agree with this completely. I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP

Gettingbysomehow · 01/05/2024 10:54

SunnyAutumn24 · 30/04/2024 20:43

Perhaps. But life is never that simple, and he's not so useless once the babies are kids, so I guess my mind focused on the positives and forgot some of the nasty bits which arise when they are babies. We've also had extenuating circumstances with both of our elder children (traumatic wider family events) which happened when they were babies, so I suppose I excused his behaviour as being due to those stressors. Whereas this time it seems more clear that he's just being horrible :(

Show quote history

I'm just so appalled that he is prepared to let his wife and the mother of his children struggle like this after what is a major operation.
I wouldn't be able to get past that ever. I wish you would show him this so he can see how other people see his quite frankly abusive behaviour.
When I went to see my sister who had had a CS her husband helped her with everything, she didn't didn't have to lift a finger until she recovered from the surgery.

J0S · 01/05/2024 10:53

It’s not that he CANT settle his children, it’s that he doesn’t WANT TO . He only want to do the small parts of parenting that he find fun and rewarding.

So he’s bad at in on purpose so you have to step in.

I understand why you hoped it would be different this time OP , because you had a CS. It’s hard to accept that your partner is a shit, especially when he’s been blaming you for everything for years. You just think that it will be better in the future and you will try harder to keep him happy.

SOxon · 01/05/2024 10:53

Octomama · 30/04/2024 20:27

Some people aren't so good with babies but they might have other things they are good at

Yes some people might be, but this is a separate issue. A husband who stomps about, is visibly angry with a very young baby, forces his wife to complete tasks when she is a few days post surgery causing her pain, has outburst of anger through the day........ it really doesn't matter what else he is good at, he's a shit husband, and a shit father. You are very vulnerable OP so soon after a baby, it makes his behaviour even more selfish and cruel.

OP do you have cause to fear for the safety of the baby?
I’m sorry you are going through this at your most vulnerable.

Lampzade · 01/05/2024 10:49

dragonscannotswim · 30/04/2024 20:11

Why did you have three kids with this bloke if he's so consistently useless and abusive?

This

SOxon · 01/05/2024 10:47

Gettingbysomehow · 30/04/2024 20:29

Who loses their temper with a tiny baby for God's sake?

exactly - as though it is the baby being deliberately difficult

Peonies12 · 01/05/2024 10:46

dragonscannotswim · 30/04/2024 20:11

Why did you have three kids with this bloke if he's so consistently useless and abusive?

My thought exactly.

"But is it normal for a baby to scream bloody murder with their Dad at two months old" - no, not in my experience. but Dads need to do it from day 1, and they need to persevere with it. I try and get out for a walk every day on my own whilst DH has baby, it's worked really well for us. Everyone has to learn to be a parent. I see so many mums who hover/fuss whilst their partner holds the baby, and takes baby back the second they cry, or they criticise the partner - this is so stupid as how will they ever learn!

WimbyAce · 01/05/2024 10:36

Sorry those saying "oh it's harder for dad at first" is bollocks. It's not, only if they choose it to be. With both my children my partner has been extremely hands on, in fact with the first he was the way better parent when she was a baby. With my second I came home from hospital and once the eldest was settled I said I'm off to bed too (hadn't slept while in hospital) and he took over with baby while I caught up on sleep. Yes everyone gets tired that is normal but he needs to get on with it.

VestaTilley · 01/05/2024 07:45

YANBU. He’s crap, not pulling his weight and will complain when they’re older and have no bond.

I probably wouldn’t have had more children with him in these circumstances.

My DH was a bit like this, not as bad, but nowhere near as patient or soothing as many of my friends DH’s. It makes me incredibly sad for my DS, though they get on well now. I resent DH for it, and haven’t forgiven how much he let me and DS down when DS was a baby.

We haven’t had any more children.

Codlingmoths · 01/05/2024 07:38

Do you need him op? What would life be without him? Because I’d say here’s the baby sling, every idiot and their grandparents know babies like being walked around not being sat down. You either put our baby in that sling and lovingly carefully walk them around for an hour every single night or you have 15 minutes to pack a bag and go. The older two won’t miss you and I’m starting to think I wont either. The first thing I’ll do is tell everyone we know that you refuse to do anything for baby or the kids and shout at me if I ever ask you to. Make a choice; you have 13 minutes left. Remember I said every single night. This is the start of your being the dad you said you would be when you convinced me to have another child with you. I know it was silly of me to believe you but here we are and I’m holding you to it. 11 minutes.

Screamingabdabz · 01/05/2024 07:29

palmroyale · 30/04/2024 23:03

OP, take no notice of anyone on this thread saying 'some people aren't good with babies'. Women have no choice but to be 'good with babies' when it's their own child. Why should the fathers have a get out clause?

I agree. All this ‘it’s instinctive to women and not men’ certainly did not apply to my own DH who was an equal parent from day 1. Even when I was breast feeding he was there awake in the night just to be a support and wild horses couldn’t tear him away from doing anything with the children and being there for them.

My question is why do women continue having multiple children with useless, pointless men? That is three more kids growing up in society with a dysfunctional idea of what male and female relationships are like. All they know is that men can’t be expected to do anything and anger towards overwrought domestically enslaved women is fine. Depressing.

Catsmere · 01/05/2024 07:18

SunnyAutumn24 · 30/04/2024 20:19

Thank you for this clear answer. I definitely used to feel that, but after so many arguments I'm doubting whether I've got an idealistic view, which is what he always tells me. That my standards are too high and I'm always trying to change him

Show quote history

No, this abusive piece of shit has done what they all do - ground you down so much you start to think this is normal, acceptable behaviour.

anythinginapinch · 30/04/2024 23:55

Bloody hell OP he's a grade A twat

theonlygirl · 30/04/2024 23:37

He gets angry saying the baby is ridiculous......
Please tell us he really comes into his own once the kids get older and he's an amazing dad once out of the baby stage.

IWantOut29 · 30/04/2024 23:08

SunnyAutumn24 · 30/04/2024 20:06

He makes me feel that being shouted at is perfectly reasonable in a relationship, that it's "part of it" and if I challenge his anger in front of the children (I do this regularly, as I don't think it's acceptable and I dont want them to think its ok) he gets even more angry and accuses me of thinking I'm "Mother Teresa" and "you're not perfect, you just show you're angry in a different way". Do other husbands shout at their partners? I certainly never recall my Dad doing it and it really upsets me

Edited
Show quote history

It doesnt matter if you challenge him or not, your children will still grow up thinking his abusive behaviour is normal,

Please dont make the mistake in thinking that "challenging" him will show your children anything other than ..... it's okay for a man to shout at a woman when hes angry

palmroyale · 30/04/2024 23:03

OP, take no notice of anyone on this thread saying 'some people aren't good with babies'. Women have no choice but to be 'good with babies' when it's their own child. Why should the fathers have a get out clause?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/04/2024 23:03

He sounds a horrible, angry and abusive man. I just couldn’t stay with someone like that (didn’t).

Do you have any family who could help you to leave.