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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask DH to come home immediately from business trip?

289 replies

Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:02

So I have an unknown bowel condition, waiting for exploratory surgery to find cause.

my symptoms are basically pain huge swelling, fatigue and so much mucous (sorry tmi)

ive had every test in the book all fine. Except when I’ve had extreme pain to the Point of vomiting I’ve had bloods that have shown high inflammation markers, and random stool tests that have shown high calprotectin.

hubs is working away, I’ve got the dcs who are preschool age and toddler, im working but I’m having a massive flare up and I’ve been sick from the pain. I can’t take any codeine due to an allergy and the usuals don’t touch the sides. Genuinely concerned I can’t manage the kids. I can’t really stand up straight, my mind is a mess (due to being in pain), can’t take the slightest touch on my tummy.

no family or friends that can/ will help. It’s not unreasonable to ask him to come home is it?

OP posts:
CharlotteBog · 30/04/2024 20:16

i learned the hard way after losing my parents that good people are hard to come by. I’d say 90% of my circle stopped speaking to me

Op, I'm curious to understand why so many of your friends stopped speaking to you when your parents died.

That's unusual and might help posters suggest ways you can get support.

Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 20:16

RockAndRollerskate · 30/04/2024 19:56

Your in laws would rather you suffer, your husband come back early or the kids go into temp foster care rather than help you out?
What a bag of dicks.

Yeah absolutely they would then they’d probably spread rumours and saying how much of an unfit mother I was too

OP posts:
Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 20:14

IdontlikePinaColada · 30/04/2024 19:46

OP where are your DC now?

After being right blighters they are in bed.

the school run nearly polished me off, having to fight my youngest into his seat and him running away. Not ashamed to say but I was crying in the carpark from the pain

OP posts:
labamba007 · 30/04/2024 20:14

The mucus, vomiting and extreme pain were my symptoms when I had pancreatitis. But that's pain in upper abdomen too?

I'm sorry you're going through such a horrible time, OP 😔

thegrumpusch · 30/04/2024 20:11

so I had something that sounds similar, it came and went, but flare ups became increasingly worse to the point I went entirely white and wouldn't move for the pain. Turned out to be amebic dysentary, easily treated with a course of metronidazole. Hope you get an answer soon

MAPqus · 30/04/2024 20:10

Hey OP, YANBU, your husband is a dick, and I’m sorry you’re suffering so much. If you were my friend I’d be there like a shot, but sadly I can only send good vibes via the interwebs.

On the subject of your illness, have the doctors looked into chronic pancreatitis? I have a relative who struggled for years trying to get a diagnosis with similar symptoms, and after about 10 years was finally diagnosed with chronic pancreatitis. I don't know how much your symptoms overlap but thought it was worth a mention

Topjoe19 · 30/04/2024 20:03

I'm so sorry you can't count on your DH, he should at least have some sympathy even if he doesn't come home. What an utter bastard.

RockAndRollerskate · 30/04/2024 19:56

Your in laws would rather you suffer, your husband come back early or the kids go into temp foster care rather than help you out?
What a bag of dicks.

PurpleCacao · 30/04/2024 19:55

Horrible reaction from DH, OP. If you earn the same as him, have a serious think about whether you could manage without him (what would divorce look like?). Could you a afford a smaller 2-bed house by yourself? Don’t need to take any action now, but just getting your ducks in a row, as they say on mumsnet. A partner not being concerned when you’re ill is a serious red flag. And if his highness is so angry at being interrupted at work, I hope you treat him the same way if he ever interrupts you while you WFH.

RE: help with the kids. Ask around if any of the staff at preschool or nursery do babysitting on the side. They often do. Then you can find someone you trust. Have an evening out to test them out, get them on WhatsApp. You need to have some sort of local backup. Also if you really can’t manage getting them ready for school/nursery tomorrow, consider pulling a sickie (you and them). Say they’ve got a temperature. Have a pjs and tv day.

Wishing you all the best. I have a chronic pain condition caused by vascular issues in my abdomen and it is hard to parent with. Women are always expected to just get on with it.

TheOriginalFrench · 30/04/2024 19:50

I’m disgusted with him, the venom on his face speaking to him this evening

Ah …

There’s no going back from venom. I’m so sorry.

You need someone on your side. (Apart from an almost unanimous MN thread! We understand, and want you to get better.)

agncndmkd128494 · 30/04/2024 19:48

I would ask him to come home, aside from you suffering if you're that unwell it's not really safe for you to be looking after a toddler.
Hope you feel better soon

IdontlikePinaColada · 30/04/2024 19:46

OP where are your DC now?

Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 19:45

Trulyme · 30/04/2024 19:37

Please tell me you didn’t go to work today and you’re not going tomorrow either?

Drop the kids off at nursery and go home and get back in bed.

Order takeaway and don’t worry about cleaning up.

Wfh today and I’ll ask tomorrow to , im going away Friday for a week ( if I can now) so I don’t wNt to look like I’m having it on

OP posts:
Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 19:44

DaughterNo2 · 30/04/2024 19:39

what do A&E do?

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Sadly nothing, I never get scanned there and then, so I only go if I feel like I might collapse so I tend to go with the logic if I do black out better here than at home

OP posts:
Farmwifefarmlife · 30/04/2024 19:43

DaughterNo2 · 30/04/2024 19:39

what do A&E do?

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oral morphine normally and then leave me nil by mouth for 48 hrs because they forgot me until my blood pressure is dangerously low and then I’m allowed sips of water

Farmwifefarmlife · 30/04/2024 19:43

Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 19:35

I don’t have anything that you can’t buy from b& m bargains 😅

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I don’t understand why you aren’t prescribed something better to deal with this at home?

DaughterNo2 · 30/04/2024 19:39

Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:06

Depends on how bad it is, if I start vomiting I go to a and e.

normally I just need to rest, don’t eat, and literally pray it goes away

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what do A&E do?

Trulyme · 30/04/2024 19:37

Please tell me you didn’t go to work today and you’re not going tomorrow either?

Drop the kids off at nursery and go home and get back in bed.

Order takeaway and don’t worry about cleaning up.

Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 19:36

RacingLine · 30/04/2024 19:32

@TheOriginalFrench yes though apparently menopause won't sort the adenomyosis. Both my ovaries are 'stuck' which they say can be unstuck by a laparoscopy but indicates that I'm likely to have other adhesions. Sometimes menopause makes it better but sometimes not. Given I'm hopefully near the end I thought I would wait and see except my periods show no sign of slowing down <typical!>

@Sosomuchpain can you ask for a MRI? Have they tested your poo for an infection? Sorry you are suffering on your own. It's so miserable especially when you don't know what is causing it

I’ve had a mri for small bowel which was normal and not sure what they checked my poop for

OP posts:
Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 19:35

Farmwifefarmlife · 30/04/2024 19:29

Are you not prescribed the oral morphine if it’s regularly this bad? If it’s been 7 years on the NHS I’d be paying to go privately.

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I don’t have anything that you can’t buy from b& m bargains 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 19:34

Tonkerbea · 30/04/2024 19:26

Really feel for you OP, on top of debilitating pain, you have a DH problem.

When you're stronger, you need to think about whether this is the kind of man you want to spend a lifetime with. Lots of men show their shitty side when their partner is 'broken', and inconveniencing them.

I’ve seen this, the statistics of men who leave their partner following a cancer diagnosis v women is heartbreaking

OP posts:
RacingLine · 30/04/2024 19:32

@TheOriginalFrench yes though apparently menopause won't sort the adenomyosis. Both my ovaries are 'stuck' which they say can be unstuck by a laparoscopy but indicates that I'm likely to have other adhesions. Sometimes menopause makes it better but sometimes not. Given I'm hopefully near the end I thought I would wait and see except my periods show no sign of slowing down <typical!>

@Sosomuchpain can you ask for a MRI? Have they tested your poo for an infection? Sorry you are suffering on your own. It's so miserable especially when you don't know what is causing it

Farmwifefarmlife · 30/04/2024 19:29

Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 19:23

oral morphine normally and then leave me nil by mouth for 48 hrs because they forgot me until my blood pressure is dangerously low and then I’m allowed sips of water

Show quote history

Are you not prescribed the oral morphine if it’s regularly this bad? If it’s been 7 years on the NHS I’d be paying to go privately.

DriftingDora · 30/04/2024 19:28

MartinsSpareCalculator · 30/04/2024 17:29

Yes because that's comparable with looking after a 3yr old and 18month old.

This site makes me despair sometimes.

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I know, just unbelievable anyone would make a remark like this. 😲

Tonkerbea · 30/04/2024 19:26

Really feel for you OP, on top of debilitating pain, you have a DH problem.

When you're stronger, you need to think about whether this is the kind of man you want to spend a lifetime with. Lots of men show their shitty side when their partner is 'broken', and inconveniencing them.