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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask DH to come home immediately from business trip?

289 replies

Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:02

So I have an unknown bowel condition, waiting for exploratory surgery to find cause.

my symptoms are basically pain huge swelling, fatigue and so much mucous (sorry tmi)

ive had every test in the book all fine. Except when I’ve had extreme pain to the Point of vomiting I’ve had bloods that have shown high inflammation markers, and random stool tests that have shown high calprotectin.

hubs is working away, I’ve got the dcs who are preschool age and toddler, im working but I’m having a massive flare up and I’ve been sick from the pain. I can’t take any codeine due to an allergy and the usuals don’t touch the sides. Genuinely concerned I can’t manage the kids. I can’t really stand up straight, my mind is a mess (due to being in pain), can’t take the slightest touch on my tummy.

no family or friends that can/ will help. It’s not unreasonable to ask him to come home is it?

OP posts:
Elsewhere123 · 30/04/2024 16:03

Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:59

This is interesting!

ill suck it up and pay private and ask for this!

screenshotting

sorry tmi, but what was it exiting? Was it lots of mucous ?

Show quote history

Mucous and blood. Sincerely hope you can get some help.

WolfFoxHare · 30/04/2024 16:01

OhHelloMiss · 30/04/2024 15:11

You are able to pick up your phone to mumsnet though

When is he actually due back?

Are you seriously suggesting that wrangling two children under four and typing on a phone are comparable?

Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 16:01

TheOriginalFrench · 30/04/2024 15:53

But going forward you do need to do something about the ‘no family or friends’ situation. With small children you’re likely to need help at short notice for all sorts of reasons at one time or another.

Hope the condition eases soon (and that you get appropriate treatment).

my in laws live close but they wouldn’t pee on me if I was on fire, they’d help DH but not me.

i learned the hard way after losing my parents that good people are hard to come by. I’d say 90% of my circle stopped speaking to me

OP posts:
Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:59

Elsewhere123 · 30/04/2024 15:54

I had a colonoscopy that showed nothing, it wasn't until I had a specialist gastroenterology doing a SIG procedure that he found the diverticula and the adhesions. I got to see the specialist because I kept going to the GP taking ( warning tmi to follow) jar jars full of what was exiting my bowel so they could actually see what I was talking about ( tip from a GP I saw when struck down on holiday).

Show quote history

This is interesting!

ill suck it up and pay private and ask for this!

screenshotting

sorry tmi, but what was it exiting? Was it lots of mucous ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:58

MindatWork · 30/04/2024 15:54

Just in reply to this OP, emdometriosis can’t be diagnosed by a simple scan as the adhesions don’t show up. It needs a diagnostic laparoscopy where they actually go in with a camera and see what’s going on.

I’d recommend pushing for diagnostic surgery. Make a list of your symptoms and lean heavily on how they impact on you being able to carry out basic tasks like caring for your children and working. Sorry I know that doesn’t help for now but might help for the future x

Show quote history

I did push the gynae for it and the response was that you’re not clinically indicative of endo so we don’t have the basis for the surgery but I saw a gastro and I broke down in tears on my quality of life.

some times when it’s been bad, I’ve had to stop eating and drinking, only water for days. It is just no way to live

OP posts:
TheOriginalFrench · 30/04/2024 15:56

Good advice from @MindatWork.

MindatWork · 30/04/2024 15:54

Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:50

I went to a gynae because whilst the swelling feels gastro there’s a lot in that area for women. I had a scan and hsg and an internal exam and nothing was indicative of endo or fibroids.

period wise, they are more on their regular side but they aren’t especially painful in fact I never really get cramps they aren’t heavy either, the first day is quite heavy but after that very light

Show quote history

Just in reply to this OP, emdometriosis can’t be diagnosed by a simple scan as the adhesions don’t show up. It needs a diagnostic laparoscopy where they actually go in with a camera and see what’s going on.

I’d recommend pushing for diagnostic surgery. Make a list of your symptoms and lean heavily on how they impact on you being able to carry out basic tasks like caring for your children and working. Sorry I know that doesn’t help for now but might help for the future x

Elsewhere123 · 30/04/2024 15:54

Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:42

Yup and intestinal biopsies taken and all normal

Show quote history

I had a colonoscopy that showed nothing, it wasn't until I had a specialist gastroenterology doing a SIG procedure that he found the diverticula and the adhesions. I got to see the specialist because I kept going to the GP taking ( warning tmi to follow) jar jars full of what was exiting my bowel so they could actually see what I was talking about ( tip from a GP I saw when struck down on holiday).

Winningatpatriachychicken · 30/04/2024 15:53

OhHelloMiss · 30/04/2024 15:11

You are able to pick up your phone to mumsnet though

When is he actually due back?

Hi Rishi! Flowers

TheOriginalFrench · 30/04/2024 15:53

But going forward you do need to do something about the ‘no family or friends’ situation. With small children you’re likely to need help at short notice for all sorts of reasons at one time or another.

Hope the condition eases soon (and that you get appropriate treatment).

Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:51

ElderMillenials · 30/04/2024 15:46

If there are no flights until tomorrow when he's due back anyway what would you like to happen, be clear on what you need from him. Eg no flights but a train would get him home tonight so get on it.

It's hard being incapacitated with small dc, completely appreciate that. It would be worth the two of you coming up with a plan for it it happens again. Is there genuinely no one at all who would help out? Neighbour, friend, acquaintance... anyone who would watch them for a couple of hours or sit with them while they sleep so you can be seen.

When my dh was blue lighted to hospital our neighbour came and sat with the dc who were already in bed and a friend watched them while I visited during his stay. Before that I'd have said we had no one to help out and still wouldn't ask them to take dc anytime but in an emergency they'll help us out.

Sadly I found out before, a lot of people I know are good time friends, not actual friends no one you can actually count on

OP posts:
Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:50

TheOriginalFrench · 30/04/2024 15:48

Cannot believe how strongly this thread leans towards martyrdom. Which husband in the entire world wouldn’t inform his wife and ask her to come home in this situation?

What if the OP died - would The Man still be too important to be disturbed in his Important Work? If she collapses from pain or worse? Who looks after the Great Man’s children then?

@Sosomuchpain did you and your husband include the words “in sickness and in health” in your wedding vows? This is sickness. You need him at home to look after his children and support you.

Presumably you’ve been investigated for both fibroids and endometriosis? They can each have all the symptoms you describe, and typically takes years to be diagnosed.

I went to a gynae because whilst the swelling feels gastro there’s a lot in that area for women. I had a scan and hsg and an internal exam and nothing was indicative of endo or fibroids.

period wise, they are more on their regular side but they aren’t especially painful in fact I never really get cramps they aren’t heavy either, the first day is quite heavy but after that very light

OP posts:
TheOriginalFrench · 30/04/2024 15:48

Cannot believe how strongly this thread leans towards martyrdom. Which husband in the entire world wouldn’t inform his wife and ask her to come home in this situation?

What if the OP died - would The Man still be too important to be disturbed in his Important Work? If she collapses from pain or worse? Who looks after the Great Man’s children then?

@Sosomuchpain did you and your husband include the words “in sickness and in health” in your wedding vows? This is sickness. You need him at home to look after his children and support you.

Presumably you’ve been investigated for both fibroids and endometriosis? They can each have all the symptoms you describe, and typically takes years to be diagnosed.

ElderMillenials · 30/04/2024 15:46

If there are no flights until tomorrow when he's due back anyway what would you like to happen, be clear on what you need from him. Eg no flights but a train would get him home tonight so get on it.

It's hard being incapacitated with small dc, completely appreciate that. It would be worth the two of you coming up with a plan for it it happens again. Is there genuinely no one at all who would help out? Neighbour, friend, acquaintance... anyone who would watch them for a couple of hours or sit with them while they sleep so you can be seen.

When my dh was blue lighted to hospital our neighbour came and sat with the dc who were already in bed and a friend watched them while I visited during his stay. Before that I'd have said we had no one to help out and still wouldn't ask them to take dc anytime but in an emergency they'll help us out.

Terrribletwos · 30/04/2024 15:45

Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:21

Something the consultant said is if I have adhesions from years of a grumbling appendix? That can cause the severe vomiting pain and the adhesions could cause the prolonged symtoms

Show quote history

Yes, you should absolutely push this further.

Doteycat · 30/04/2024 15:44

OhHelloMiss · 30/04/2024 15:11

You are able to pick up your phone to mumsnet though

When is he actually due back?

Seriously? WTF
Why would you be so nasty.
I despair at people sometimes i really do.
Oh you were well enough to pick up the phone and call an ambulance so really you must be ok...
get a grip.
OP, call your DH, you need him home.

ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie · 30/04/2024 15:43

Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:20

He’s back tomorrow.

theres no direct flights left today. I’ve checked
(He’s still in the UK just very north and flying is cheaper than train)
guess I’m powering through

Show quote history

Have an unmumsnetty hug.
It doesn't sound as if he can realistically get back earlier even if you ask, regardless of cost. Ask him to not drink to excess tonight, so that he can take over on his return, stop your own work for today and rest until kids have to come home. Who is looking after them now - can they have them overnight as an emergency? Some childminders will do this. Or can one of the nursery staff come and stay and be paid a generous rate for a last minute overnight babysitting gig?

Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:42

CulturalNomad · 30/04/2024 15:41

Your symptoms sound a lot like diverticulitis, but I'm guessing you've already had a colonoscopy that ruled that out?

Yup and intestinal biopsies taken and all normal

OP posts:
Elsewhere123 · 30/04/2024 15:42

I had bouts of diverticulitis with extreme pain. When having a sigmoidoscopy the consultant discovered adhesions of bowel to body wall. He waggled the camera about vigorously ( as I screamed) but he broke the adhesions and the frequent pain I had had since my first pregnancy stopped. I still get diverticulitis occasionally but pain nowhere near as extreme.

CulturalNomad · 30/04/2024 15:41

Your symptoms sound a lot like diverticulitis, but I'm guessing you've already had a colonoscopy that ruled that out?

Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:40

capelmustard · 30/04/2024 15:35

Is there a neighbour or another nursery mum you could call? Most people would be happy to help you out. A local teenager who could help you with tea and bedtime?

alas I wish, no one i know well enough.

the 2 I do just had new babies so can’t but I’m sure it will be ok, I’ll be fine, it just sucks

OP posts:
capelmustard · 30/04/2024 15:35

Is there a neighbour or another nursery mum you could call? Most people would be happy to help you out. A local teenager who could help you with tea and bedtime?

Gouki · 30/04/2024 15:33

Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:05

But I almost feel like it’s in my head, all my tests are fine, if it’s ibs why is it this debilitating.

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I feel you. I woke up one morning in 2010, unable to move. Took about six or seven months of every test under the sun before a consultant told me "We dont know what it is, so its IBS." (this is the actual quote).
It sounds counter intuitive, but I do hope they find something wrong with you, if it is being caused by something dietary of course.

Its easier to cut out one particular thing, rather than having something you eat regularly decide to frick with you on a particular meal.

Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:32

Furrydogmum · 30/04/2024 15:31

I'm sorry I am not sure of the finer details.. She had normal full term pregnancies and vaginal deliveries. I think her consultant considered her foolish to have five pregnancies as she began with the pain after the second. She had numerous investigative procedures and hospitalisation.

Show quote history

I’ve never had an surgery before so I’m not sure if it’s that but god at this point I’d welcome any diagnosis

OP posts:
newnamechange98 · 30/04/2024 15:32

OhHelloMiss · 30/04/2024 15:11

You are able to pick up your phone to mumsnet though

When is he actually due back?

Totally unfair comment