Birthdays - does no one bother any more?

I understand why it's upsetting, but its almost certainly not that they don't care. Agree with the suggestion to message them and arrange something, even a walk in the park if the sun's now out where you are, or invite them round for a cup of tea!

I'm a big card and present buyer and have calendar reminders for about 30 birthdays, but only 1 of my friends is similar so I expect to receive far fewer than I send each year. People have very different attitudes to birthdays and gifts. Are they good friends otherwise?

I haven't just turned up with a cheap bottle of wine and a card from Tesco.

But this is what you need to do in future!

My bday was last week too. Similar outcome. Close friend and sibling both messaged 1 to 2 days late. No calls.
So commiserations.

Happy Birthday and so sorry you were disappointed. I truly don't think you can deduce anything about the quality of your friendships from this though.

For adult birthdays, people will follow your lead. They assume that if you want to celebrate it, you will arrange something. You didn't need to throw a big party, but you could have said "hey all, do you want to go out for dinner to raise a glass for my birthday", or even, "do you want to pop round for birthday cake for my birthday?" From their point of view, you didn't indicate that you wanted to do anything, and some people really don't like their birthdays being celebrated, while others genuinely aren't fussed.

It would never cross my mind to send a card to anyone (but I'm not British), they are things you attach to a present. And it wouldn't occur to me to buy a birthday present for an adult friend - even a very close friend - unless she had arranged a birthday celebration.

I guess what I'm saying is PLEASE don't jump from "they didn't send a card or present" to "they aren't real friends / they don't value my friendship". It's simply that your norms around birthdays and theirs are different. And as this thread is showing, theirs are pretty normal.

I confess I only get a card for closest friends and would only get a present if we were at the very least meeting up for drinks. Otherwise I would message them.

But I'm not a person who is really 'into' birthdays- I'm not a total Grinch but it does not really cross my radar.

Do you normally gift for one another's birthdays? I think when you go to a party the expectation is different. You would turn up with a gift, whereas if you don't normally buy gifts for these people you wouldn't in the absence of a party.

Happy 40th OP!

I can understand why you feel hurt, I think it would have been nice for them to have sent you a card. Did they text you as wellor only message you on social media?

I probably won't expect a gift unless I was having a party but just being thought of would be nice.

I came off social media a couple about 3 years ago and it's amazing how few people remember it's my birthday when they don't have Facebook reminding them.

All my close friend's birthdays are saved in my calendar and I always send them a card and birthday text, I think only 1 or 2 of them remembers which is quite hurtful.

I know not many bother with cards now but I still think there's something nice about having something 'physical' to open.

I think everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives that these things have fallen by the wayside which is sad.

I'm sorry it was a disappointment OP. Happy birthday 🎂 🎈 🎂

I keep reading on Mumsnet that 'cards are dead'. Meanwhile, my friends, family and work colleagues (we're big on birthdays where I work) give and receive cards.

I buy presents for close my close circle of friends whether there’s a party or not. They do the same.

For friends that I’m not as close to, I only buy a gift if they’re having a party. If there’s no party I just send a text to say happy birthday.

None of us send cards.

It was my 60th a few weeks ago and we basically had a weekend long party.

Cue yesterday DH's birthday we had a takeaway. He had presents from me and DGS which I paid for. Only one child out of three sent a card.Next yes is DH's next milestone birthday and he's talking about us ( me and him) going on a nice holiday.

We always send family cards and presents but outside family we don't celebrate at all

Because it's her 40th and they all received gifts and cards from OP on their 40th.

They're not 5 that they only acknowledge parties, it wouldn't have killed them to send a small gift and card.

I've never given my friends a card for their birthday, even my best friend. Neither do they. Too much faff. Within a friendship group think it's up to the birthday person to organise something for their own birthday. We will all chip in and pay for birthday persons meal and drinks.

Why should they have?

I think it's ok to mention to your friends that you feel a little hurt at the lack of a card. As long as you go in with the stance of just communicating what you feel rather than attacking them it can only benefit you. Either they take it well and apologise, or they take it badly and you know that they aren't the friend for you.

I only tend to do cards and presents for my very closest friends or if the birthday person has organised a party or meal out. I’d be buying and sending cards and presents to people most weeks otherwise, which is completely unrealistic. Everyone else just gets a nice text message. Your friends remembered your birthday and sent birthday wishes, so they aren’t completely thoughtless.

Whatever you read on MN, you don’t need to be able to pay hundreds of pounds for everyone’s food and drinks to have a birthday celebration: it’s completely fine just to book a room or a big table in a pub and everyone buys their own, or have something low cost at your house. Why not arrange a belated do?

I'd expect a gift if I threw a party as people don't want to turn up empty handed - but not otherwise.

Happy birthday though

That's shit, OP. They should have got you cards and presents.

Don't get them anything for their next birthday.

Even if they have a party, just turn up with a bottle of plonk and a card.

Cards are pretty much dead in the water. I did ask for birthday cards from family this year because I like getting them, but without a specific request almost no one under 75 bothers.

As for a gift - seeing as each gift you gave was in response to a party, not just because you wanted to give them a birthday present, I suppose it’s fair enough that they would bring a gift to an event but not without.

The group of you hadn’t set a precedent of gift giving for the sake of it.

You haven’t been taken for a mug. If you want a birthday celebration, arrange one.

I have not sent or received a card in years. They are expensive and just get thrown away eventually.

And I also would not expect a gift from a friend. Close family members are a bit different though. In our friendship group we would just toast the birthday person with a drink the next time we get together.

If I was invited to a party I would take something small as they are feeding me so it seems the done thing to do.

It’s expensive and quite a lot of work for the host to plan a big party, whereas guests just get to come. Maybe they’re a bit disappointed that after hosting you, you won’t be hosting them? Not saying you should especially if you can’t afford it. But they might equally feel that they haven’t gotten from you what they gave.

You would bring a gift to a party so I don't see what they did wrong there.
Cars are done and dead, nobody I know sends a card except if there's a gift with it. And I've also just text a few friends for their big birthdays. Unless I'm seeing them for an event I wouldn't think to get them anything. I didn't expect anything for mine.
You can still have a small dinner/ meal out and say it's a bit late as you were busy.

Just feel like I'm being taken for a mug :(

That's interesting. Can you explain why?

You naturally get a present if you host a party - it'd be poor form to turn up empty-handed. I'd think the same if you hosted a small meal/met people at a cafe or restaurant/etc. It's a celebration of your birthday with people, and a prompt for them to get a present.

I can't 100% say I get presents for every friend that I don't see. It's nothing personal, at all. I'd like to remember everyone and I used to be really good at it!

Have you seen them since?

Theirs*.

I had a gathering for mine. Only one close friend came. My partner's friends came, my sibling and my Mum, and a neighbour. That's it. Dad didnt want to come because it 'wasn't his thing'. Three close friends who were due to come cancelled on morning of it. I'd even said I'd pay for their taxi back as they don't have a lot of money, still not good enough. Others cancelled at the last minute.

Oh and one other friend turned up later on because his prior arrangement fell through. So that was nice.

So I'd say yes, people often just don't bother although I feel with your situation OP that they should have, given you'd been generous at yours.