To tell his wife

Yes it’s idiotic of men like him to have unprotected sex with someone they have just met, especially when they have existing children. I’m sure he didn’t want another child but perhaps take steps to prevent that then. 🙄

Men really need to ALWAYS use condoms that they have purchased themselves and disposed of afterwards securely, when casually dating.

If he's married you should tell her. He is exposing her to potentially deadly STIs. I would want to know.

Imagine the husband and father of your children having a baby with someone else and not knowing about it. Fuck me, I would want to know. I would decimate him. I'd have no issue with the mother of his baby though, I'd see her as a fellow victim of a despicable man.

Okay, I think I’d want to know about that and try to think of a way of telling my kids about it so that they don’t find out by accident years later. That would apply whether or not I was married to the father.

His wife could easily “ Go for you” in a territorial way.
Especially if she knows you are pregnant by her husband.

Be prepared for some ripe language.

What, that the child has a good relationship with their father and half siblings? Why would that be the most painful outcome? Do you think that the child would agree with that - that they would rather that their dad abandoned them and showed no interest than that they went to stay at his house regularly?

Yes.

Yes, in the vein as his wife not necessarily behaving as you’d expect - what if they are still together and they decide they want to be involved in your babies life…meaning you’re sending your precious newborn/toddler/small child and later teenager off into an established family life with a long-married couple with children for weekends, holidays, etc.

To me that would be the most painful of all the potential outcomes.

Even if she said she was pregnant with a half-sibling of your own children with your ex?

Does it matter if OP is certain they're still together or not?

Well yes, it kind of does. If I’d been contacted by my ex’s latest squeeze I’d have been seriously pissed off and would have told her it’s none of my business and would she kindly fuck off.

Does it matter if OP is certain they're still together or not?

If OP contacts the possible wife and they're not together, the worst that will happen is she'll reply that they aren't together. Nothing lost by doing that.

Just to be clear, you have absolutely no idea whether he's still married. In fact there's nothing in your opening post to suggest that at all. You only say It’s been a few months now, and I’m pretty certain he’s still married. The way he’s treating me is indicative of this.

Unfortunately* *men we haven't known for long are often capable of treating us shittily, it doesn't give any indication that he's married, only that he doesn't want a relationship with the baby and you, sadly. I think the "shall I tell his wife" question is a moot point and you would be better off focusing on you and baby.

As you are, understandably, so angry I'm sure you would have found some tangible evidence of a wife if there was one, I think you need to let go of this idea.

Well he's going to have to pay maintenance so whomever he is with will find out soon enough. Wiser thing would be to cut him out, don't name him on the birth certificate and give your baby a peaceful childhood.

I would not tell her. But I would pursue him for financial support. So I guess she might find out anyway.

I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling so low and I’m glad that you are getting help. I agree with the posters who say that you need to focus on yourself and not on your waste of space ex.

I see that you no longer want to be pregnant and of course you now that a termination is no longer an option . However adoption is still open to you, if that’s what you want. You would be able to have some input into which family adopted your children, you could meet them and perhaps have an annual update on how the child was doing.

You can’t make a decision on this ( legally ) until you baby is 6 weeks old. But you can make a plan with social services to have your baby placed with foster carers who will then go on to adopt, if that’s what you want. That means baby avoids several moves , which are very damaging. This is called “ concurrent planning “.

You retain parental rights until the adoption order is granted and you can change your mind until then. As part of the process they would contact your ex and asked for his consent. If he won’t give it, the court will still grant the adoption of its in baby’s best interest.

Im sure I will get some hate for even mentioning this to you - lots of people will say “ oh I could never do that “ and sadly a few people some hate adopted children. But it’s an option for mums who feel they can’t parent their child, for whatever reason .

Adoption is not for everyone , the same as abortion.

But I’m pro choice so I think you need to know that making an adoption plan for your baby is a valid choice . Again, only if that’s right for you.

I wish you well whatever you decide.

Really? If I were a child and found out that I had half siblings living nearby that nobody had told me about, that would mess me up. Equally if I discovered my dad had fathered another child that I didn’t know about. They are the child’s family and the adults need to ensure they at least know about each others existence.

Why would she need to find out? Always assuming he’s still married - OP has no real proof that he is. His existing kids are nothing to do with OP and her child apart from shared DNA, it’s highly unlikely they’d have any kind of relationship or even meet. The crucial thing is that he pays.

It’s not her responsibility to facilitate a relationship between her children and a potential half sibling. It’s the father’s.

OP I wouldn’t make any decision about telling the wife (if you manage to get concrete evidence they are still together) whilst you’re feeling so low.

Surely she will need to find out at some point anyway? Your baby will have half brothers/sisters who are her kids so she will need to know about you. So I would tell her.

Undoubtedly your mental health is the most important thing here but I agree with everything @Lavender14 has said. This wasn't a one off drunken one night stand to be put down to experience.
He can't just bury his head in the sand and pretend it never happened. There's going to be a child involved whether he's still married or not, and he has to take some responsibility even if that's just financially.

I think you really should focus on your own MH. Talking to his wife at this stage might not help your situation.

DRAGGING
NOT STABBING!!

Blimey😅😂

It sounds to me like you have enough on your plate without stabbing his potential wife into it, you don't know what she's like or how she will react, plus you're not 100% sure he's married either.
So personally, I wouldn't start contact with the potential wife.

As for your mental health, can you talk to your midwife or GP for some advice?
Hope you feel better soon

While she absolutely deserves the know, she might take her anger out on you and that's the last thing you need right now. While there's an argument saying you should tell her, there's also a very strong argument saying you need to protect yourself. She might be grateful for the information, but she might really not be. I think for now just concentrate on you and your baby. You could always tell her later on when you are more secure yourself and have more information about whether or not they are still married. Telling her doesn't have to mean telling her now.