To be conflicted about DD getting lifts home from school?

@EnglishBluebell "YABVVVU To allow a 12yr old little child to walk home alone or to get into someone's car whom you don't know yourself. I realise we all did each of these things not just at this age but often much younger when we were kids but life was very, very different back then. Farrrr less people for a start, far less cars on the road also. "

For my own sanity, I have decided to think this is irony.

@EnglishBluebell the girl is getting a lift from her friends mum. It's not exactly a complete stranger.
Don't be ridiculous.

It's very unusual for a 12 year old to be 6ft1 though. Being tall does make it easier to be seen by cars, and to get a better view yourself. Mine is small for his age and really would be hard to see when he goes to cross the road. Also an awful area with gazillions of parked cars and rat runs making it less safe again.

12 year olds aren't little children, and you do them a disservice if you don't allow them some independence. You think you are keeping them safe but you are just setting up problems for the future, and negatively affecting their mental health.

The vast majority of child abductions are by one of the parents - being abducted by a stranger is extremely rare.

As for being knocked over, they need to be taught road safety from a young age imo, many aren't because people drive everywhere. Also ear pods, my dc don't use head phones unless it's in the house

Little child? My 12 year old is 6'1 and perfectly able to walk to secondary to secondary school and back, they need some independence!

Your child abduction table is just scare mongering and I say that as someone who works for the crown court and sees all sorts of awful things. Children need to be able to have some freedom and walking to school isn't something that you should restrict if they are able

A twelve year old is hardly a little child, and would be very offended at being so described

YABVVVU To allow a 12yr old little child to walk home alone or to get into someone's car whom you don't know yourself. I realise we all did each of these things not just at this age but often much younger when we were kids but life was very, very different back then. Farrrr less people for a start, far less cars on the road also.

Please see attached to see evidence of the child abduction numbers increasing. Yes, I realise a percentage of these will be by people known to the child but the fact is, the numbers are increasing. Every year.
As for the numbers of children be knocked over increasing year on year, well we all know that. Evidence isn’t required.

Can DD cycle? That would make the journey home a lot quicker and give DD some independence. If the roads are quiet around you as you say it could be a great solution. If DD is not confident in cycling, schools/the council would probably offer free bikeability training

She did so now.

This 100% Why hasn't OP reached out to the mum to thank her? Or even arrange something where you can take turns with the school run.
I live in a safe area but there's no way I'd let a 12 year old walk 45 mins in the dark alone. Until recently it's been dark quite early.

If it helps, my mum used to do this for one of my school friends. This school friend would walk to and from school from at least about Y3/4 and one time she did actually get hit by a car - no major injuries, but she still continued walking alone after this. My mum used to worry for her so she just gave lifts whenever she spotted her and this continued well into high school. My mum never judged - it was for her own peace of mind and she didn’t at all mind doing it. She knew her circumstances were different - she was a stay at home mum for the most part and this girl’s parents both worked full time.

If you’re feeling anxious about it why don’t you get to know this mum and maybe arrange with her on the days your DH does pick up that he drops her DD home as well? Then you’re both helping each other out

So you are suggesting that a parent of a 12 year old should sit back and let the child make all her own decisions and "keep .. nose out"
It is a parent's responsibility to keep her child safe, and that means from her own decisions too
While in this case, I would suggest that accepts the help, it would be sensible to get to know the mum, and say thank you.

It's not too far to walk and it is good for her but if she's offered and accepted I'd keep your nose out and let her handle it.

OP if I offer a child a lift home from school then that's on me. I don't feel comfortable leaving my Yr 7 daughter's friends to walk home by themselves so often get a knock on the car window if that's the case. I'd much much prefer be the person they will turn to when they're shattered/lonely than save a quid or two on petrol.

Parents are busy, and I've never thought that they've abandoned/neglected their kids by having them walk, but I feel like I'm lucky enough to have a job where I get to be there. Happy to make myself useful and I have never once expected their parents to thank me/get in touch. It's my choice.

Don't overthink, you have never expected it, or asked for it. It's not a big deal.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Oh sorry just seen 45 mins, I must admit that is quite far
Are you joking? That was my walk to high school twice a day from 11years. Ds 1 and 2 was 1 hour 10 mins although I picked them up on Fridays. They walked with their mates who live near by.
If it was ovwe an hour and half I would say that was far.

you’re recovering from cancer. If a friend of one of my kids had been in that situation and it was no bother for me, I’d have been happy to take them home.

An invite for coffee would be appreciated, I expect.

Hope all goes well for you.

I don’t think a 45 minute walk is excessive but I have two grandchildren and I was shocked at the weight of the 12 year olds backpack that she takes to and from school. She has to collect her younger sister from primary as well so she probably does walk for over 30 minutes. These kids will all end up with back problems. I don’t understand why they don’t have lockers so they don’t have to cart everything to and from school, just what is needed for homework.

Such a nice outcome!

The main question is does the child enjoy walking the 45min?

I would not be willing to walk 45min to/from work several times a week. I don't have a car either so this is not about weather or safety or carrying stuff. 45min is a long time and I would hate it. Can she cycle or is there alternative transportation? I see you contacted the parent which is good.

I'm glad you have had a nice reply from the mother. Regarding your dd's knees, I had similar problems as a child. I didn't find physio helpful and it made things worse if anything. I think she should see an orthotist.

Op please investigate the issue with your daughters knees further, long walks could be making things worse, please go to a specialist Rheumatologist.

I am astonished at the no. of people saying 45 minutes is too long for a 12-yo to walk
(medical conditions notwithstanding).
And also astonished at all the judgy unsolicited physio advice from the sofa experts in op’s case😂.

Mine have walked home this far since starting secondary- with or without friends - and also then go on to other sport some evenings. Guess what, they’re completely fine.
Idk what time all your secondary schools finish but there are very few days in the year when it is dark at 3pm. They also have phones I can track if I am worried (which our generation never had when walking home).

I wouldn’t do this if I lived in a town or area I perceived as dangerous, but everyone’s perception is different. If they have a guitar/cooking stuff they get a lift where I can. Plenty of kids have 2 working parents where a lift is not an option. It’s normal to walk.

We live in England, it rains- wear a decent coat, take an umbrella. Of course you don’t need wellies - worst things ever to walk any distance in 😂. Someone saying school shoes are shit and uncomfortable to walk in wtf? Why wouldn’t you buy your kids practical shoes they can comfortably walk in when they are wearing them for 8 hrs a day anyway?! (And yes I have a DD as well as a DS). If they’re wet when arriving home then they get changed straight away into something dry. All fine.

Not having your nearly teenage children driven everywhere isn’t “not caring”. It is teaching them independence and normalising the fact that activity and getting yourself around is completely normal and healthy, and burning diesel around all our towns for no reason while we sit on our arses all day long is not.

To address the OP, it is a tricky one and I agree with those saying try and make contact with the other parent if possible or offer any reciprocation where you can. It is obviously coming from a place of kindness, but if you can explain you’re also happy for DD to walk occasionally I think you need to say this now before she suddenly reaches y 10 and is still accepting lifts from someone you’ve never met.

To be fair, 45 minutes for a child who struggles with walking is a long time.

Especially factoring in that she'll have done a lot of steps at school, be tired after a busy day, and be carrying bags etc. I used to do about 25 minutes walk home from sixth form every day, and some days it felt like climbing Everest, and I was 16-18!
What happens to her on the day it's pissing down with rain? Like it was at home time yesterday around here?

Like someone else said, family weekend walks are probably a nicer idea for building stamina than a long, lonely walk, carrying a heavy bag.

I also wouldn't be buzzed about my 12yo DD walking alone. Nice area or not.