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Original poster

Should I be angry with DH or friends?

62 replies

Anothe · 30/04/2024 08:23

DH and I having a rough patch atm. He thinks I need to get angry about how my sister and a few friends are reacting to something that has happened to us. I don’t want to - she’s my sister - and they are my friends.
He tells me what I should be saying to them. Am I being a flying monkey? I just don’t feel the same anger, and he gets frustrated because I’m being wimpy. They have their reasons which I understand. I also feel exhausted from his emotions and have no anger left!

Trouble is, every morning we discuss what’s happened and what to do and it always turns into a row it seems.

anyway the other day I didn’t answer my phone. He said,‘aren’t you going to answe that? That’s suspicious’ I called back and It was one of the many robot calls I’m getting. But I was really cross, how dare he accuse me of suspicious calls! What’s he implying? He said I was overreacting.
yesterday I reheat new potatoes and leave 3 teeny ones on my plate. In front of DS he says, ‘are you going to leave them, that’s a waste’ I was really embarrassed.
He spends a fortune on stuff in the supermarket.

im so muddled. Do I tell friends what he wants me to? It will ruin our friendship and he says, well then they’re not real friends.
what do I say next time he says something like this in front of ds?

OP posts:
Freakinfraser · 30/04/2024 08:39

No one can say if you don’t say what the issue is with your friends and sister that he thinks you should get angry about.

im also not sure why you were embarrassed about 3 small potatoes.

JungleJimmy · 30/04/2024 08:39

It's difficult to understand the situation from what you've written, but in short no person should be dictating the emotional response of another.

If you feel sad about something, he shouldn't be telling you to feel happy, or vice versa, that's not how feelings work.

He does sound controlling.

BuyOrBake · 30/04/2024 08:32

It sounds like he is trying to separate you from your friends and family. Could that be the case?

Look up coercive control

BobbyBiscuits · 30/04/2024 08:32

Of course you shouldn't tell people things just because he wants you to. At best you could tell them his opinion, but only if you choose. Your relationship with them is nothing to do with him. Is it because they've been less than complimentary about his abilities as a husband? Tell him to drop it, you will not discuss it any further.
As for saying you wasted 3 new potatoes, I think you're being a bit oversensitive about that. Just smile and say 'well, do you want them?' but I get why you're upset with him as he sounds awful. And 'suspicious' that you don't answer your phone for his morning rant? He needs to get over that sharpish.

Conkersinautumn · 30/04/2024 08:32

Hard to unpick without specifics. Generally on MN partners who don't back up their other half are the problem.
BUT it's also very weird that he is TELLING you what to say and how to react. So is this a case of backing up your DH or is it something else?

If you can't back up your DH and you're agreeing with family/ friends are ThEY in your best interests or their own.

Lots to consider

Dearg · 30/04/2024 08:31

If YOU don’t want to get angry with your sister and friends, then don’t. Anger can be a useful emotion as a catalyst to change, but it is more often destructive to both you and the people on the receiving end.

It’s hard to understand what is going on in your relationship with your husband, but it sounds like you are both hurting over something ( loss of job? Money issues?) , and your DH is taking things out on you. Is this a temporary thing or has he always been so reactionary?

Are you happy and do you see yourself being happy in the future?

BiIIIie · 30/04/2024 08:31

This sounds chaotic. Sounds like a lot of growing up needs doing.

crumblingschools · 30/04/2024 08:31

Need more details about the issue with sisters/friends

Cocopogo · 30/04/2024 08:29

Why are you embarrassed about potatoes on your plate? It’s hard to understand what’s going on

Greydogs123 · 30/04/2024 08:27

You don’t sound like a partnership. Why is Dh giving you instructions and telling offs like you’re 12?
Maybe your rough patch needs to be a separation until you both figure out how to fix it. It’s not for him to tell you how to deal with your friends/sister.

Notamum12345577 · 30/04/2024 08:26

Anothe · 30/04/2024 08:23

DH and I having a rough patch atm. He thinks I need to get angry about how my sister and a few friends are reacting to something that has happened to us. I don’t want to - she’s my sister - and they are my friends.
He tells me what I should be saying to them. Am I being a flying monkey? I just don’t feel the same anger, and he gets frustrated because I’m being wimpy. They have their reasons which I understand. I also feel exhausted from his emotions and have no anger left!

Trouble is, every morning we discuss what’s happened and what to do and it always turns into a row it seems.

anyway the other day I didn’t answer my phone. He said,‘aren’t you going to answe that? That’s suspicious’ I called back and It was one of the many robot calls I’m getting. But I was really cross, how dare he accuse me of suspicious calls! What’s he implying? He said I was overreacting.
yesterday I reheat new potatoes and leave 3 teeny ones on my plate. In front of DS he says, ‘are you going to leave them, that’s a waste’ I was really embarrassed.
He spends a fortune on stuff in the supermarket.

im so muddled. Do I tell friends what he wants me to? It will ruin our friendship and he says, well then they’re not real friends.
what do I say next time he says something like this in front of ds?

Hard to say without knowing what happened

marzipanlover81 · 30/04/2024 08:24

this is all quite odd op

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