Should I be angry with DH or friends?

@Anothe Take a deep breath, let it out slowly and tell us what your sister and friends did that was so awful. Ignore the potatoes for now as I suspect they are part of a pattern rather than the main point.

At a guess it benefits him as if you have no friends at all, you can't solicit opinions in real life from other people as to whether he's being a dick.

Without giving more information as to what's happened to you and your friends reaction to it, difficult to say if he's abusive or you are being a massive doormat to abusive/bullying behaviour from your friends.

Given he is being a dick about you leaving some potatoes behind in a restaurant I assume it is more likely that he is being a controlling arse and is used to you doing what you are told. The bad patch is therefore because you've grown a backbone and he's not keen.

The worst point I ever saw in my parents marriage was when my mother hit menopause and the rage gave her the gumption to tell him to ff off occasionally. He wore her down eventually with silent treatment and a toxic atmosphere for all of us. If any of this sounds familiar, you need to speak to Women's Aid or similar as advised up thread. But I'd start with your friends and sister assuming they haven't done anything horrific.

Don't let anyone tell you how to react to other people - stick to what YOU believe is the best thing to do.
And don't let anyone tell you whether you can answer your phone or not. I

My heart goes out to the child entangled in this mess.

Tell him to fuck off you tell family and friends what you want too - not what he tells you too? He’s a dick - why is he trying to control what you say to people!

Your post is very confusing 😕 I doubt your 16 year old son cares if you left some potatoes so not sure why you'd feel embarrassed? I'd just be annoyed if my husband told me off for that & probably say to him ' you eat them then, if you're so worried about waste'!

It's very hard to comment on the situation with your sister and friends without knowing what actually happened to you and DH and what he thinks you should be angry with them about 🤷‍♀️ on the face of it, he sounds like he's being an arse but it's hard to judge when we don't know the full picture!

Trust your feelings op. You know something is off. The facts that you are worried about how your family would feel about it is also a red flag. Talk to women's aid and they will help you get some perspective.

It sounds controlling unless there is a massive drip feed. Has he told his own friends and family what he is telling you to tell yours?

We need to know what's happened with your sister and friends, can you elaborate?

.

Place marking so I can check back when anything makes sense

Joining the chorus of confusion Son then said he didn’t need a pudding. DH had bought posh pud without batting an eyelid.
What's wrong with your son not wanting pudding or your DH buying it?

Also can't tell who wants your friends/family to be supporting your family and what with!

It's really difficult to give you any useful advice here. From your first couple of posts, it sounded like your DH might be trying to separate you from your friends and family, which is concerning.

Then you say he wants support from them - that might be valid. It really depends what you're going through. If he'd like them to come in and chat and they're leaving ready meals at the door, a conversation with them about how you'd like to be supported could be worthwhile.

The potato thing is a bit bizarre. I'm not sure that I'd take "Are you not going to eat those?" type comments as a criticism, I'd probably just ask if he wanted them, but I also probably wouldn't have been trying to hide it. Do you have any food issues? Do you just feel very anxious around him non-stop?

Difficult to tell from a snapshot but the sense of lacking confidence in your own perspective is palpable @Anothe. That makes me a bit concerned for you.

If you are genuinely at the point where leaving three potatoes uneaten is causing you anxiety, all is not well. It's impossible for us to know why that is but it never hurts to look at your relationships and consider if they are a contributing factor.

If your life partner regularly criticises you in front of your child and is also trying to drive a wedge between you and your family I wouldn't rule out controlling and coercive behaviour. It's a mistake to think there needs to be physical violence for it to qualify. Masters at it don't need to do anything more than choose their words carefully.

He may not be but it doesn't hurt to do some internet reading around this, although be sure to hide your tracks.

Hope you feel better soon.

Or maybe you should be feisty and tell him to stop childishly picking at you?

I think you should listen to your sister and friends. Sound like they have your best interests at heart. Can’t say the same about your husband.

Sorry but what does he want you to tell your friends and family off about?

I don't really think we have enough information here. Normally I'd expect a woman to back her DH if her family are being difficult but not if he's being petty.

He should not be scolding you for leaving food on your plate, no way would I put up with that. And the phone thing would piss me off too. However, neither of those things is automatically LTB territory, they could just be telling him to wind his neck in territory.

Without the details of the main issue it's difficult to advise. Though him telling you what to say to people doesn't sound good, unless you've actually asked his advice on what to say.

'im so muddled. Do I tell friends what he wants me to?'

Kindly OP, why on earth would you tell friends what he wants you to - unless you agree with him?

What do YOU think? What do YOU believe? That what should guide your conversations with your husband, your friends or anyone else!

And if you can't answer that, then find a way to work that out.

It really depends.

If it's their reaction to him being abusive/controlling/horrible to you/cheating then of course he wants to drive a further wedge between you and them.

If it's their reaction to a trauma, bereavement, big life event etc., especially if you complained about it to him or it made you upset then he might have a point.

It really depends on the situation.

Perhaps your sister and friends don’t think the way your DH wants them to for good reason. Perhaps your DH is a nasty bully and you need to be free of him.

Your husband is a cunt - hope that helps. Why would you want to bring up your child to witness this is how their father treats their mother?

Help you with what? It’s like pulling teeth.