To Tell My BF I'm Upset He Didn't Text Me

I’d guess you are quite a bit younger than him, and that he is emotionally unavailable.

He doesn't behave in the way you want him to, OP. Telling him how he needs to do that defeats the object a bit. If he really wanted to know how you are, he would ask you. A 'duty' text wouldn't make you feel any better, would it?

What's going on at work that your colleagues thought you would be gone on Friday? That must have been so stressful for you returning to work on Monday. Can you look for another job?

You have a bit of a double whammy going on here... work and a boyfriend who doesn't seem to care that much. You can't change him but you can look at your work situation to see if you can improve that. It's not good for you to be in dread before the start of work every day... I know how that feels.

It's very convenient that he's ill when you need a bit of support. He's only there for the good times...

Yes I agree. I'm a bad texter too (and so is DP so we're suited on that level). Don't think either of us would have sent an unprompted morning text in this scenario (though we would have asked how it had gone in the afternoon, like OP's bf). But if I'd said to him on Sunday night or Monday morning that I was feeling really anxious about work, he'd have 100% stepped up to comfort me and give me a boost to face it. That's the thing. It's all about communication not just silently expecting something.

I don’t think either of you are necessarily being unreasonable, you just have differing expectations.

Personally the whole “why didn’t you text” stuff would drive me nuts, having to second guess when I was expected to text or call. But that’s me, everyone is different.

Yes @gannett but not the one she wanted. I think she needs to prompt the communication because it’s not coming naturally to him. Not everyone shows their support like she wants him to. Before he met me I think my OH would’ve been amazed that some people like a text to show you’re thinking of them.

I don’t think you get it. I don’t think that @viques is advising you to tell him to text you. Rather I think it’s more about you communicating a bit better. You could have text him in the morning to communicate with him about your anxiety. And then he most likely would have responded.

Is it reasonable to expect people to do as we would do? He is not you. He is his own self. How does he care about people in his own way?

Maybe you show someone you care about them by checking in with them via text or phone call as a follow up from a previous conversation/interaction. And maybe you would send a text to wish someone well. But that’s not what everybody would do. People show they care in their own way.

Ask yourself in what ways does my boyfriend show me that he cares?

Sometimes our bad feelings or our disappointment or our frustrations can actually stem from having unreasonable expectations that aren’t met. The best way to deal with that is to consider your expectations carefully and if they are not reasonable then adjust them accordingly. It will change the way you feel.

It is amazing how perception affects our emotions.

But the thing is she did get an umprompted text.

I think she wanted a "good luck, hope it goes well" early morning text whereas he thought it would be more supportive to ask how it went once the day had happened (which could only be an afternoon text) and take it from there. I'd have done the latter too tbh.

Why didn't you text him on Monday and tell him how your day had went or call him?

Sorry, I find people who expect their partners to communicate telepathically and then use that as a litmus test of whether they really care about you to be exhausting.

From his perspective you had a bad day on Friday and he comforted you. Then you didn't mention it over the weekend (or did you?) or say how worried you were about Monday, so he thought you were over it. Then he DID text you to ask you it went and you minimised it saying it was stressful but OK, so he thought no further comforting was required.

We've all had stressful days at work. Sometimes you need to vent or be comforted and then you're over it. Occasionally you get that ongoing feeling of dread that you had, and I sympathise because I've been there, but your partner doesn't magically know which one of the two it is. If I'm still feeling upset on Sunday about something that happened on Friday, I will tell DP this and he'll definitely step up with the comfort. If I don't tell him, he'll reasonably assume I've got past whatever happened on Friday.

Why? Because the BF isn't dancing to the OPs tune?

Hmm it’s a tricky one. I would’ve expected a text / call in your position. But rather than stew on it all day and waitibg for an unprompted text I would’ve probably text him first saying something like “oh god today is just as bad as I’d feared. I’m going to need a hug later!” or something like that. Im not sure you’ve done yourself any favours by waiting angrily for a text that you know wouldn’t come. Seems a bit like game playing.

sone people aren’t naturals at this kind of thing (my OH isn’t so if I need support I have to ask and then I get it in spades) if they don’t need reassurance in the same way you do.

I hope work is better today anyway.

You seem to feel the caring should be one way. He feels unwell it’s all fine if he can watch a movie and nothing expected from you. You need to go to work where you’re not performing and he needs to be molly coddling you.

You are getting ridiculous typical MN responses. You are not being needy, you want your partner to give a shit and take an interest in your life. Obviously all these people commenting are ok with cold relationships but most relationships I know people would want their other half to care, and take an interest. It's so normal to be there for your partner when they have something going on, check in with them, ask is all ok when they know something rubbish has been going on. It shows we/they care.

I think people are being unfair actually. A meeting like the one you had is incredibly upsetting and distressing. Most people would cry in that circumstance and feel like absolute shit going back into work. And I think people should expect a couple of messages of support off their partner and a big hug when they get home.

I’m curious, are you younger than your boyfriend?

I would be reconsidering this relationship to be honest, people get sick as in very sick, people lose jobs, get bereaved etc. It’s all part of life and you feel that your boyfriend can’t really be there for you in any meaningful way when you need it then you may have to accept that he will always be a fun boyfriend but never be a partner, or you may have to move on and look for what you want elsewhere.

You are being needy yes. You cried at work on Friday and then the weekend passed so it’s highly likely it slipped to the back of his mind, especially if he felt ill. What takes over our mind doesn’t necessarily take over someone else’s.
If it was me I would have text Monday morning before work and said I’m dreading going in today and knowing my husband he would have said thinking of you babe or something.

Well sometimes you have to take what you can get.

If you expect him to think of it all by himself when it seems he isn’t the sort of person who naturally makes thoughtful gestures then you might be waiting for a long time, but if you start telling him what you need the penny could drop - eventually.

If not then you will have to love him for his other qualities and recognise that you will need to build your own emotional strengths and work out ways to deal with difficult situations yourself.

He isn’t psychic and he isn’t picking up the signals you are sending out about your need for support so you need to send stronger signals, ie tell him what you need him to do “ I am really worried about going back to work today, I would really appreciate a text from you in the morning to give me a bit of a boost”.

I'm pretty independent in a "child of neglect and put into care" kind of way. 😉 I hate asking for help. Hate it!

But when I know I'm struggling and actually want help I make it known. I would have been texting my partner before work letting him know I was a mess. I've learned the best way to get what you want is to ask for it.

If you don't get it, you go from there. But if you don't give that person a chance, you're robbing yourself.

It doesn’t sound like he gives you what you need. I don’t think you can “train” someone to care about you in the way you want to be cared for. You need to find someone who thinks that way and communicates that way. It’s hard to tell from one incident (or even two if you could the previous one) what he’s like as a whole. But from what you’ve posted here, it sounds like, from your perspective, when it matters he just isn’t there.

So I think YWBU to text him telling him you’re upset he didn’t text. There’s not much point in it. He isn’t going to change because you tell him this. You need to decide whether you’re prepared to be with someone who doesn’t give you the support you need at the points in life when you need it - does the rest of it make up for this?

You're crying at work which is completely in professions and behaving in a whining manner to your boyfriend

Now would be a good time to focus in strengthening your emotions otherwise work and your boyfriend are soon going to thing you are histrionic, attention seeking and flakey.

You need to work on your emotional resilience.

'Emotional resilience is the ability to adapt to stressful situations, and cope with life’s ups and downs.'

'Resilience does not eliminate stress or erase life’s difficulties, but allows you to tackle or accept problems, live through adversity and move on with life.'

www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/design-your-path/201305/10-traits-emotionally-resilient-people

Books -

Herald, M (2013) Stepping Stones to Emotional Resilience. A Guide to Embracing your Inner Strength The Resilient Living Collection
Joseph, S (2011) What Doesn’t Kill Us. A guide to overcoming adversity and moving forward London: Piaktus
Robertson, D (2012) Build Your Resilience: Teach Yourself to Survive and Thrive in Any Situation Teach Yourself
Webb, L (2013) How to Cope When Everything Around You Keeps Changing West Sussex: Capstone Publishing Ltd

You are being very needy.

Wanting constant reassurance will drive him away.

He doesn't seem bothered, op. He's not invested in you. I think you know this, and after reading your updates I definitely know it. Stop wasting your time. He is not ever going to give you what you need.