Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Tell My BF I'm Upset He Didn't Text Me

118 replies

LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 00:24

Hi,

I've had some performance problems at work lately. It has been causing me some stress.

On Friday at the end of the day, I had a performance review with my manager. It didn't go very well. I'd like to add I don't feel fully responsible for my performance review. Some of the things I'm being reprimanded for I haven't even been trained on, ever. So I was therefore unaware I had done something wrong. My manager knows this, but will not admit it. I think that's what upset me the most, because it feels so unfair. So yeah, I started crying at the end of my review.

I told my BF this.

We have been together 2 years. One time about a year ago I was upset about a (admittedly sorta minor) health appointment and said I'd like a call because of how I felt about it and he just texted me saying he was a bit tired and goodnight. I explained the following week that this really made me feel uncared for. He said he didn't realise.

Fast forward to Friday, I tell him what happened at work. He gives me a hug, etc. However, on Monday he didn't text me until 3pm asking how the day went, and said he didn't feel too good (he works from home). The day was not nice, I had people coming up to me saying "I thought you were gone on Friday!" etc etc, and my manager is barely making eye contact with me.

I replied at 3:30pm saying it was a bit of a stressy day but that I was just trying to plod on, and that I hope he felt okay.

He then didn't text me until nearly 10pm, after watching a film

AIBU to feel uncared for? And to make this known?

I know he doesn't feel well today but.... I kinda already knew he wouldn't text me. All I wanted was a message "thinking of you today, hope you manage okay" or something.

Am I being needy?!

OP posts:
Original poster
LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 14:19

meganorks · 30/04/2024 10:01

It seems reasonable to me to text in the afternoon to ask how your days gone. You need to have some of your day first! I think I'd do the same - check in on how it's been rather than a 'thinking of you today' at the start. That just makes more sense to me.

He said he hadn't been feeling well and you didn't check in on him either. So seems either you decided you didn't believe him or you issues trumped his.

Show quote history

I just had no idea he wasn't feeling well as that only happened on the Monday

OP posts:
Original poster
LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 14:17

TwelveAngryWhiskers · 30/04/2024 10:30

I don't think you sound needy.

Does he have a habit of feeling unwell whenever you aren't feeling good yourself?

It has happened before but could be a genuine coincidence

OP posts:
freetea · 30/04/2024 13:56

You do sound very needy and clingy.
Its like its all about you.

MaltipooMama · 30/04/2024 11:07

BiIIIie · 30/04/2024 00:59

My DH would be so much more caring than this. He would have text me by 10am asking how work was if he knew there had been issues. He would have called me if I was upset about an appointment.

My partner would have done this too, I don't think this should be a high or unrealistic standard either? A two year relationship is long enough to make an effort to check in on your partner if they're going through a hard time! A text takes 2 minutes to send and OP has already communicated previously with her partner that it means a lot to her to have a phone call or check in if she's upset so I do think it's a bit thoughtless. I really don't think this is an unreasonably high bar of expectation

Original poster
LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 10:58

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/04/2024 08:17

He doesn't behave in the way you want him to, OP. Telling him how he needs to do that defeats the object a bit. If he really wanted to know how you are, he would ask you. A 'duty' text wouldn't make you feel any better, would it?

What's going on at work that your colleagues thought you would be gone on Friday? That must have been so stressful for you returning to work on Monday. Can you look for another job?

You have a bit of a double whammy going on here... work and a boyfriend who doesn't seem to care that much. You can't change him but you can look at your work situation to see if you can improve that. It's not good for you to be in dread before the start of work every day... I know how that feels.

Appreciate your understanding, thanks. Everyone is getting fired for basically no reason. Or leaving before they get fired. I'm reluctant to leave because I'm also trying to study for an exam to get a better job but also I'm worried I'm gonna get fired even though I'm just trying my best. I'm trying. I just have not had a smooth ride recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 10:55

KiwiOtter · 30/04/2024 08:18

I’d guess you are quite a bit younger than him, and that he is emotionally unavailable.

How are people guessing this? 😕

OP posts:
Original poster
LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 10:53

Kittenkitty · 30/04/2024 07:06

I think people are being unfair actually. A meeting like the one you had is incredibly upsetting and distressing. Most people would cry in that circumstance and feel like absolute shit going back into work. And I think people should expect a couple of messages of support off their partner and a big hug when they get home.

I’m curious, are you younger than your boyfriend?

I would be reconsidering this relationship to be honest, people get sick as in very sick, people lose jobs, get bereaved etc. It’s all part of life and you feel that your boyfriend can’t really be there for you in any meaningful way when you need it then you may have to accept that he will always be a fun boyfriend but never be a partner, or you may have to move on and look for what you want elsewhere.

Thank you. My colleagues have been crying too. I was actually the last one to crack. Also there is a backstory because I have had awful luck with jobs - not getting paid etc. and it's just extra upsetting for me to be faced with a sh*t job situation again when I do actually work really hard. Also my dad was in intensive care all last month. My BF knows all of this.
He is 10years older than me.

OP posts:
Hotgirlwinter · 30/04/2024 10:39

Icanseethebeach · 30/04/2024 08:37

If he isn’t behaving the way you would like him to (I think his behaviour is fine) and you’re upset by it but you’re not willing to communicate what you need then you have the option of ending the relationship or continuing with someone you're going to be disappointed with.

Show quote history

If you come back OP then I think this PP hits the nail on the head.

This is who he is, there’s only a certain amount he might be able to learn new habits but you’ll need to be explicitly clear what you need. No point saying “he should know” - he doesnt know and doesn’t sound like a particularly emotionally mature person either. Really there is no right or wrong - there is only right FOR YOU or wrong FOR YOU.
Lots of people wouldn’t be bothered by this, you are and that’s fine but if he’s a person who wouldn’t be bothered then you’re going to always be misaligned in these situations where you “need more”

Your choice is to communicate clearly with what you need at these times and do not expect him to just “get it” (because he clearly doesn’t) or you move on and choose a future partner with more a more
compatible level of emotional intelligence

OrlandointheWilderness · 30/04/2024 10:38

TBH I don't think he has done much wrong here. My DP might not pick up on the fact I was stressing on the Monday given the review was Friday and I'd had the weekend to prepare. He sort of treats everything in life like we are grown adults, we get on with it and if I have an issue I will tell him in an open way so he can support me, and likewise. Some people are just like that. I know to be clear - DP is the most lovely, wonderful and supportive person, however sometimes it wouldn't occur to him I'd feel like I needed support as I'm a strong character and hide things well!

Onetiredbeing · 30/04/2024 10:35

So from one year ago the problem has not changed and in fact confirms that it is who he is.sounds like he isn't very interested op, it's normal to check in given what happened.

TwelveAngryWhiskers · 30/04/2024 10:30

I don't think you sound needy.

Does he have a habit of feeling unwell whenever you aren't feeling good yourself?

newyearnewknees · 30/04/2024 10:18

SittingBackAndWatchingTheClowns · 30/04/2024 09:53

You sound very needy indeed. How old are you? I hate to say it, but you're going to have a LOT more upsets in life than that. You need to learn how to deal with life.

No, you don't sound needy actually OP. God forbid someone hopes that their partner thinks to check in with them when they know that they are having a really bad time.

A lot of posters have been really unkind on this thread. I wonder what you would have their permission to be upset about, if the threat of losing your job isn't enough for them?

And in terms of the comment about how you will have bigger things to endure in life, well exactly why the partner's behaviour is a worry. It doesn't sound like he would be much use, or have her back.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 30/04/2024 10:08

Hes just not that into you. Sorry Op.

meganorks · 30/04/2024 10:03

I didn't mean to quote Josette77 there 😳

meganorks · 30/04/2024 10:01

Josette77 · 30/04/2024 02:34

I'm pretty independent in a "child of neglect and put into care" kind of way. 😉 I hate asking for help. Hate it!

But when I know I'm struggling and actually want help I make it known. I would have been texting my partner before work letting him know I was a mess. I've learned the best way to get what you want is to ask for it.

If you don't get it, you go from there. But if you don't give that person a chance, you're robbing yourself.

Edited

It seems reasonable to me to text in the afternoon to ask how your days gone. You need to have some of your day first! I think I'd do the same - check in on how it's been rather than a 'thinking of you today' at the start. That just makes more sense to me.

He said he hadn't been feeling well and you didn't check in on him either. So seems either you decided you didn't believe him or you issues trumped his.

SittingBackAndWatchingTheClowns · 30/04/2024 09:53

You sound very needy indeed. How old are you? I hate to say it, but you're going to have a LOT more upsets in life than that. You need to learn how to deal with life.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 30/04/2024 09:51

@LilacCatt to be honest, you do sound very needy! he probably finds it difficult to deal with you when you are like that.

Katela18 · 30/04/2024 09:49

Josette77 · 30/04/2024 02:34

I'm pretty independent in a "child of neglect and put into care" kind of way. 😉 I hate asking for help. Hate it!

But when I know I'm struggling and actually want help I make it known. I would have been texting my partner before work letting him know I was a mess. I've learned the best way to get what you want is to ask for it.

If you don't get it, you go from there. But if you don't give that person a chance, you're robbing yourself.

Edited

I think this.
If I need support from my husband, often times I ask for it. He has a busy job, we have two kids plus hobbies etc so tbh I don't expect him to always know or remember when I might need something from him. I don't think it's fair to expect a 44 year old man to read your mind. Just because you told him you cried at work on Friday doesn't necessarily mean he would guess you'd still be upset or anxious by Monday - especially if in his mind he wouldn't feel this way?

You could have easily text him in the morning for support, rather than waiting til 3pm to see if he text you. This feels like you are setting him and you up to fail because you expect something, but he doesn't actually know that.

Communicate better, tell him that what you need and ask what he needs, if you need support just ask for it.

BeaRF75 · 30/04/2024 08:48

Well, I would never expect any texts at all from my partner, work issue or not - that's just not how we operate. But if texting about stuff is normal for you, it does still seem a bit "needy". You probably need to concentrate on sorting out the issues at your workplace, not waiting for texts during the working day.

LightSpeeds · 30/04/2024 08:41

Some people have a low bar on here. Don't let them think you're being unreasonable.

Sounds like he couldn't care less about you and won't step up when you really need him.

Icanseethebeach · 30/04/2024 08:37

LilacCatt · 30/04/2024 02:39

Really....?

A text because I told him to, when I told him to... Is not the same thing as him sincerely wishing me a good day. I really don't think that would feel much better to me!!

Show quote history

If he isn’t behaving the way you would like him to (I think his behaviour is fine) and you’re upset by it but you’re not willing to communicate what you need then you have the option of ending the relationship or continuing with someone you're going to be disappointed with.

gannett · 30/04/2024 08:37

YukNo · 30/04/2024 08:32

It’s not about expectation or obligation.

My husband would have texted me in the situation OP describes. Not because he felt he was expected to but because he loves me and cares about me.

I went to the GP a couple of weeks ago about something that I knew was in all likelihood nothing, but I was worried so he called me afterwards to see how I got on. He could have waited til we were both home but he was
worried about ME being worried.

That’s normal surely? I’d check on a friend in that sort of situation too. It baffles me that some people accept such a low level of consideration from people who are meant to care.

Show quote history

It's bizarre to use differing communication styles as a litmus test for love and care.

I wouldn't have texted DP unprompted in the morning in this scenario. I still love and care for him!

YukNo · 30/04/2024 08:32

Ladyj84 · 30/04/2024 01:28

Wouldn't expect my other half to constantly feel he has to text me about stuff or make an issue but that's just us

It’s not about expectation or obligation.

My husband would have texted me in the situation OP describes. Not because he felt he was expected to but because he loves me and cares about me.

I went to the GP a couple of weeks ago about something that I knew was in all likelihood nothing, but I was worried so he called me afterwards to see how I got on. He could have waited til we were both home but he was
worried about ME being worried.

That’s normal surely? I’d check on a friend in that sort of situation too. It baffles me that some people accept such a low level of consideration from people who are meant to care.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 30/04/2024 08:25

Had you mentioned over the weekend you were dreading it?

If I'd not mentioned it and then got a text on the morning saying "hope all goes well" then it would potentially make me feel there was something I need to be worried about instead of putting it behind me. A text after to check how the day went is still an acknowledgement you know it'll be tough but without potentially making them feel more nervous about it too.

You did minimise by saying "a bit stressy but plodded on" rather than saying how it really was as well

Freakinfraser · 30/04/2024 08:23

KiwiOtter · 30/04/2024 08:18

I’d guess you are quite a bit younger than him, and that he is emotionally unavailable.

Why would you guess he is emotionally unavailable? It sounds to me like she is needy and wants molly coddling, and he isn’t playing that game, neither would I. And I’m emotionally available.