Parents and DH feud

Your husband, not dear husband, has had his way for the past twenty years, now it’s time for you to assert yourself. Talk about your parents all you want, plan the party your son wants, with his whole family, especially grandparents, and if husband doesn’t like it, too bad for him. This is the hill I would die on. If he threatens to leave you over your newfound freedom, consider yourself lucky.

What do YOU think?? About parties, about restaurants about enjoying retirement, about enjoying the money you have worked for?

what do you actually think ???

He can't separate the people from their actions can he?

What your parents & relatives spend really has fuck all to do with him & he doesn't seem to get that.

Or it's just excuses to not have to see them.

What says doesn't really (imo) make any sense.

How did you/he end up too far away from his parents for childcare if that would have been so great?

Respect is earned. I don’t see that your DH has in anyway earned the respect of your parents.

Seriously, if you can’t leave this twat, do it for your kids.

Your DH needs to grow up. Not only has he made your life with your parents awful but he is now going to inflict that on your son by making him choose between him and them. These are the actions of a playground bully.

“he says life is too short to spend time with people he just doesn't get on with”

He’s right. You are long overdue divorcing this utter joy sucker.

OMG your poor parents, your husband sounds awful! What a miserable miser! Why on earth have you put up with this? Your parents won't be around for ever and your son doesn't get another 18th, have the party and guests your son wants! If your husband has a toddler tantrum and won't come that's his call and for him to live with!

Do you find him kind to you (apart from making your life a misery over your family) is he kind and compassionate towards you is he affectionate does he take you out do you talk and spend time together?

I have noticed over the years that his qualities of kindness and compassion are only for people who HE likes and live a similar way to him.

If you only do kind and compassionate things for people you like, that's not doing kind and compassionate things. That's "buying" people, cultivating them to affirm your world view.

Kindness is doing something for someone out of the goodness of your heart, no strings attached. It can't be conditional. Compassion is, by definition, extended to those who you have to first empathise with ie those who are different from you.

Your DH is neither kind nor compassionate. He's a narrow-minded, insecure, miserable and mean man.

He’s a chippy little man OP. Miserable too. Cut him loose so you can enjoy the rest of your life.

Evidently life is too short to do anything other than think about his own feelings and ignore his wife’s feelings and needs too.

If I don't leave him soon I think he may leave me as my parents are going to become a bigger part of my life as they get older and I don't think he will be able to cope with this

He won't leave you. There aren't many women who'd put up with him and he knows it. Even though you may assume he doesn't. Men like this need a victim no way do they want to go it alone in life. Your parents being around more = he'll tantrum more, thats all.

You have married a Puritan.
What do your children prefer, celebration or narrow-minded frugality and approval only if they tick all the necessary boxes?

He would like to retire at 60 and he is always telling the kids that he will be on hand to look after their children so they and their partners can work as he would not ever want to be tarred with the same brush as my parents.

This is awful on so many levels.

What if your kids don't want kids?
What if they can't have kids?
What if they live far away?
What if the other parent doesn't work and stays home with the kids?
What if your child or their partner prefer to use childcare for whatever reasons (eg doesn't want child tainted by DH's views)?
What if child's partner is rich?
What if child falls in love with and marries someone who loves spending money?

And as for "he would not ever want to be tarred with the same brush as my parents". If my DH ever once dared say such a thing to my DC about my parents/their grandparents, when all they've done is live life legally, spending money they have, I would whip my DC away from him faster than he could cope with. Who the hell does he think he is, casting judgement on your parents in this way for nothing, to your own DC??! I mean, yes, if they were criminals or had low morals or were racist pigs or fascist right-wingers. But all they're doing is going to a restaurant to celebrate a birthday fgs!

What kind if arrogance is required to deny your wife the pleasure of her elderly parents company?

I adored my dm and she was a wonderful woman but she could be a bit … abrupt. She called a spade a spade and wasn’t afraid to voice her opinion even if it sometimes wasn’t welcome. My dh who often bore the brunt of this (particularly in the early years when my dm was convinced that no one would be good enough for her dd) would do anything for her. Partly because I asked him to and he loved me, but also because he is such a lovely man who wouldn’t see anyone struggle if he could help. As a result of this he soon won my dm over to the point where she would ring him if I didn’t answer and told everyone how lucky she was to have such a great sil. I lost my dm 18 months ago and dh read her eulogy on my behalf when I was sobbing so much that I couldn’t. He was also sobbing because as he said, she had become his second mum too.

Life is too short op. Far too short to be married to someone who refuses to help people you love unless they live their lives according to his rigid, stingy standards.

No. Life is too long to spend it with a misery guts like this man.

Have a party for your son, just one party, invite everyone your son wants there. It’s your son’s party, not yours or your DH. If he wants his grandparents there - so be it. If his dad can’t get past his issues then you’ll clearly see him for what he is if he can’t be civil for his son and for this special occasion.

He sounds like a very selfish creature. Go ahead and have fun with or without him. Lay down the law, your son and his happiness comes first.

@eveningqueen456

OP this is just sad, sad reading and your most recent update makes things sound even worse than your original post. Do you think you have been together so long, that he has somehow persuaded you, just being who he is, that the way he feels is not unusual and he really is a nice guy? Because he is absolutely VERY unusual in his views and he doesn't sound like a nice guy at all.

I have noticed over the years that his qualities of kindness and compassion are only for people who HE likes and live a similar way to him.

No - qualities of kindness and compassion are NOT qualities he possesses if he's only either of those things to people he likes. If those were real qualities he would demonstrate them in all sorts of situations and with people he doesn't know or doesn't know well as well as people he is not so keen on.

This is not a good or healthy relationship and I think you should try and be more assertive. You are coming over as being very passive and trying to paint him in a good light in a number of places. Please, please, think hard about this. Eventually your parents will have passed on, maybe quicker than you think and your children will be gone from home, leading their own lives. How do you think you will feel when there are just the two of you and you can't do anything which involves in spending money when you are both retired? Is that a future you want for yourself?

This is really awful for you. I too don’t get on with my in laws, however the reasons were considerably more serious.

However I respect they are my husbands family and I would never stop any of my family from speaking to them, because they do love them, they just don’t love me- and that’s fine.

I don’t think it’s for him to decide where your dad should’ve had his birthday meal. And he absolutely shouldn’t be projecting this onto your children, or you. X

Sounds like life’s too short for not throwing yourself a divorce party. A posh one.

What a horrible way to live.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them

Think you picked yourself a dud OP. But you stayed with him so he must have some good points - for you. Sometimes its necessary to face yourself in the mirror and admit what it is that you find so appealing in this type of man. Maybe you have similar personality traits in which case, accept him as he is, as you've been doing for years.

You want him to get over something for 1 day. So it's not as if his attitude toward your parents or your son bothers you that deeply. You just want 1 day of faux nice and for everyone to fall in with that on your say so

If I were your parents I wouldn't go anywhere near him tho, not even for your sake.

Christ, could he have a bigger chip on his shoulder? What a boring tightwad he is.