Parents and DH feud

What if one of her children wants a nice wedding?

I bet the kids feel totally embarrassed by him and wish he could just be normal.

I got rid of one of those over a year ago. Best thing ever. Worst thing is my new bf is terrible with money but better than before!!! Get rid

What if one of your children becomes hugely successful, will he cut them off too?

I wouldn’t wait until he retires, he will be 24/7 with this rubbish talk, and will just get worse.

Jesus he sounds an utter bore and miser, so utterly full of contempt and inverse snobbery.

Kick him out to go live in a grotty caravan on the edge of the road all by himself. He’s utterly ruining your lives. All of your lives. Those poor kids.

That's ridiculous. You don't have to like people just to be in the same room as them. There's people at work I don't really like but I'm always civil to them. It's your son's birthday he should invite them all and if your husband doesn't turn up then that's on him.

Also don't let your husband stop you from spending quality time with your parents, life is short and they won't be around forever.

I can’t believe you can’t even talk about your parents in front of him. What happens if one of your parents gets ill or when one of them dies? You will want to talk about them, share memories of times gone by etc and you won’t be able to do any of that with your DH which is quite frankly bat shit crazy! So what if they’ve got different values to him? The fact he can’t just be polite at social events for your sake speaks volumes and refusing to go to his own son’s birthday party if they are there is the height of childishness. He sounds extremely pig headed and intolerant of people he perceives as different to him. Have you ever sat him down and told him how all this makes you feel? Right now it seems like the only persons feelings he is thinking about are his own.

Do you think you could get him to agree to go to marriage counselling with you? His attitude seems to be that anyone who is not exactly like him is automatically worthless. Yet you are clearly not like him and apparently he likes you. Somehow he has managed to put aside his strong views and stay married to you. If you're not ready to leave him it might be worth a try.

So he may go on to hate your children too? If they have different priorities or interests to him. Or decline his offer of childcare... (because he's a judgemental, small minded, bore)

but he says life is too short to spend time with people he just doesn't get on with

@eveningqueen456 Life is too short to live the kind of joyless existence he wants to lead.
He sounds like he has a massive chip on his shoulder and resents anyone else having any kind of fun or enough money to enjoy themselves. He is controlling and unpleasant.

Ignore him and if your son wants a party let him have one.

I am my own person and I always do what I want regardless. I go out, see friends and spend money. He may not be happy with the way I live but he doesn't stop me. He makes me feel bad for it sometimes and makes out that I will never be able to retire whereas he will .
We just do our own thing really. I liked him when we first met because he seemed so grounded and down to earth and didn't try to get me into bed with nice gifts or posh meals out!!!
He doesn't need money to enjoy himself as he is very happy with his own company.

I think people are trying to point out the huge differences in your values and way of living.
It's not a problem if that's the way you want to live

But don't expect your DH to change for one (important) day.

And you don't need to ask on AIBU if you should expect any different. Or if you're unreasonable to expect anything different.

Because I think you know the answer already x

Your husband sounds like a complete joy-sucking knob OP - how can you bear to be with him? And believe me, he will get worse as he gets older and you’ll be stuck with him getting more and more crotchety and gradually sucking the life out of you too. You deserve so much more, including a partner who loves you enough to accept your parents for who they are - two very normal people who are enjoying their lives while they still have the capacity to do so. Please bin him and get out whilst you still can.

If you resent him now you will hate him once your parents are gone and you realise he has taken away the happiness of a family unit from them. This could be the last birthday they share with your son and he wants to take that away for his own cheap agenda. I couldn’t live with him.

Retire and continue with his miserly ways! Appealing...... not 🤣

It really doesn't sound as though you have much (if anything) in common, I think you mistook being tight to being grounded.

Please don't let him influence what other members of the family do for their birthdays, it's none of his business.

But what does he bring to your marriage?

He sounds like a flatmate who insults your family.

Wouldn't you be happier without him?

Forgive me OP, but have you thought of some psychotherapy for yourself, to help you deal with your DH and decide what to do?

When my DH said we would do no more visiting to my DParents, that for me was the last straw after my putting up with his demands and my trying to placate him over several years of him being difficult.

I just can’t fathom being soooo judgemental of someone’s way of life that I couldn’t stand to be anywhere near them or to hear them being spoken about in front of me!!. I’m not talking a way of life which hurts others. But just their choice of how they want to live and want to spend (their own) money. It’s their choice. But he is so full of judgement that you’re not even allowed to mention their existence in front of him. He literally can’t even cope with a mention of them because he is so full of loathing. For what? Because they choose to live differently to him? You do see how nuts that is. These are his wife’s family. He even slags them off to his own children, saying how their lifestyle is selfish and he won’t grow old and be like them. That’s disgusting. They haven’t done anything wrong.

On the other hand he has done plenty wrong. He has taught your children this is acceptable. It isn’t. He had prevented his wife from uttering her parents’ names in front of him. Appalling behaviour. And he also judges and dislikes your sister. Again not because she has actually done anything wrong. But because she eats in restaurants. Like the rest of the population. What a heinous crime!!!!

I can’t understand why you’ve accepted this. Why are married to this joy sponge?

Your DH sounds like a very bitter t?@t get rid!

@eveningqueen456 My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

To be hones, no I don't think your DH is going to change for the sake of one day.

To be honest, yes I think he should get over it for the sake of one day, which is important to people he supposedly (??) loves

It sounds to me as if the thought of him ending the marriage doesn't exactly fill you with despair. So why wait for him to make that decision?

And don't be so sure he'll leave. Not having to see any of 'his' money go out of his grasp in a divorce settlement is going to be a powerful incentive to stay. Why lose any money when he can continue to bitch and make your life ever more miserable in the hopes that you cut off your family?

Seriously, what is keeping you there? Are you saying you'll have to work past 60 if you leave now in order to have nice things & help the kids but that if you stay you'll be able to do those things earlier? I mean, what makes you think he'll 'allow' you to retire at 60 if you stay. Seems to me he'll be the type to believe you should earn money until you drop. Personally, I'd rather work past 60 and be living according to my own rules in a little house in peace than sitting around a house being able to do nothing because it costs money and having to listen to him spew venom about people I love and their choices, ones I'd like to make for myself.

@eveningqueen456
In all honesty I like nice things and I will need to work past 60 to afford these things and also to help kids through uni.

If I don't leave him soon I think he may leave me as my parents are going to become a bigger part of my life as they get older and I don't think he will be able to cope with this.

I think this is such a honest (and sad) recognition of the huge difference between you both.
You've been able to rub along so far, but now the differences in thinking and values is becoming more apparent.

OP, I wish you the very best of luck. Trying to decide whether to stay or go is so difficult after a life you've built together / if he leaves you it's such a blow after a life you've built together

(- or maybe it won't be! because you can finally live your life the way you want to live it 😊)

I wish you nothing but good for the future x

OP hasnt asked for advice on leaving her husband. She's asked for advice on how to make him change for a 1 day occasion. Although he sounds indescribably mean in mind body and soul, it doesnt mean OP actually wants to leave him and in fact it seems she would be fine if he changed for this 1 day. They've been together for years. Threads get derailed when advice doesnt relate to the specific question. Not that I think there's a chance of him changing for a day, but still

His "life is too short...." quote refers to the fact life is too short to spend time with people he doesn't like and my parents and actually most of my family are people he doesn't like.

this is so sad. He’s done a number on you to think that this is any way acceptable. You, your dc are part of this family that he despises. I couldn’t be with such a person.

OP this is so sad, do you see yourself that his way is not "normal"? How does he treat you, do you get nice presents for birthday/Xmas, does he take you out for meals, to the theatre/cinema, do you ever have nice holidays?

TBH I'm picturing you as quite a meek and passive person - you haven't said whether you love him, if you resent his attitude towards your family, if you've ever rebelled against his meanness - financial and/or spiritual?

Do you know how your parents feel about him? If you were my daughter I'd hate his guts for not treating you like a queen. Do your kids just accept how he is, or do they comment on his stinginess? And you mention you having to work past 60 to afford for your kids to go to college, does that mean he won't be contributing to the cost of their education?

OP I'm married with adult kids. We don't have much money but we do share all expenses and try to save a bit, spend a bit. As others have said, you only get one go around in this life. If my DH had ever disrespected my parents I'd have dumped him, because eventually he'd have treated me the same.

I really think you should make plans to leave. Then you can celebrate all your family birthdays as you wish, and leave husband to stew in his own bitterness.

Omg get rid of your husband of your life is going to be even more miserable when your children leave home