Parents and DH feud

You are probably going to be able to retire quite comfortably because you more than likely will inherit from your parents. Do you really want him to share it knowing how he felt about their money when alive?

**Excellent point @gruberandassocs

Have you posted about him before? Reminds me of a thread about someone’s husband declaring that “life is too short” to tolerate people he doesn’t like. It, too, was a very depressing read.

This is no way to live. You know that really.

they live 60 miles away so they weren't an option for child care for us

I think he should be more upset with his parents. If they actually cared about him and the grandchildren they should have moved. In fact he should have demanded they moved /s

As to his go to “life’s too short phrase” YES it bloody well is!!!

How long do you think your parents have left on this planet? They’ve got the right idea enjoying their time here and spending their own money how they want to. How dare he judge them and be so openly disgusted by them, trying to emotionally blackmail you into despising them the same way he does. How have you stayed married to him for so long?! Never being able to MENTION them in his presence?!! Who the hell does he think he is? What happens when one gets ill or dies? Will you be allowed to utter their names then? Will he refuse to attend their funerals? If God forbid something happened to you would he bar them from yours or refuse to go if they were in attendance? He sounds God awful.

Think about how you feel spending the last remaining years of their lives with this dark grey cloud of a sad sack husband looming over you all in the background, resenting you for wanting to spend time with your own parents. It’s down to jealousy. You will look back and deeply regret him making you choose and not seeing them as much as you wish or inviting them to your family celebrations wjile you had the chance - it sounds horrendous.

He is insecure and has a MASSIVE chip on his shoulder that is neither yours nor your parents fault. Why the hell did he marry you if he detests your family’s background so much? To show that someone like him could marry their daughter? I’m sure he cares for you in his ‘way’, but obviously not enough to do the one thing you’d want most over the years - to be a decent human being and put your feelings first, even occasionally. What do your kids think? He’s going to wind up a lonely sad old(er) man who none of his family want to visit bc he’s so bitter and toxic. Deserved.

As for him gloating/threatening that he’ll be able to retire long before you - do you have joint finances or is it a case of what’s his is HIS and you’re on your own.

He sounds an utter prick delight.

This is a prime example of why there is a peak in divorce rates in the over 50s. Don't worry about retirement. You are probably going to be able to retire quite comfortably because you more than likely will inherit from your parents. Do you really want him to share it knowing how he felt about their money when alive?
I can only imagine what your family think of him.
Out of interest how does he feel about higher education does he want your children to do well in life and have they taken on his views as their own?

"I am my own person and I do what I want regardless". (Really??????????)

Just read through all the updates. What a deluded muppet OP is!

OP has almost definitely not done what she want's regardless, because I believe she was a doormat who has excluded her parents from her life for the past 5 years because husband is angry and sulking!!!

I really think OP should read up on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Basically you need water, food, shelter to survive.

We all work to put our basic security for our family in place. That is rule no.1

Once we sort that, other elements come into play, like goals or enjoyment.

You might want longterm financial security, to own your home, to be a millionaire, to be accepted on a graduation programme, to be promoted at work, to gain more qualifications, to gain experience.

Or you might decide life is short. You want amazing experiences like seeing the pyramids, or sky-diving, or spend 2 weeks on an all-inclusive holiday in the sun abroad, or go for beauty treatments, or be at a concert or play.

We all value things differently.

But I would suggest DH has very little education and very few qualifications. He's stubborn and narrow. He has no flex or empathy for others. He's very insecure - and if people do not agree with him, he feels threatened.

There's nothing wrong with wanting financial security foremost. There's nothing wrong with experiencing and enjoying and making the most of our short lives and putting our extra cash towards restaurants and holidays and fun.

What is fundamentally flawed is not being able to accept people who have a different value set.

If you've dreamed of swimming with dolphins - is it worth spending thousands to do it? Yes. For those who think it will be an incredible bucket-list before-I-die experience.

If you've dreamed of owning your own home - is it worth spending 5 years without new clothes, holidays, or a social life? Yes, because that financial sacrifice and never frittering money can offer financial security.

You have the right to make those decisions for yourself.

You do not have the right to hate people who disagree with you and choose other paths. That is very immature and ignorant and spiteful and petty.

@eveningqueen456 one day your son may have his own partner and children. What will your husband do if they book a holiday abroad or save up for a Disneyland holiday. Will he refuse to see them again.

I tell you what your husband hasn't come up against a daughter in law yet.

This is one of the strangest threads I've ever read on MN. What a miserable, killjoy bastard! Why on earth are you with him? If you don't leave him soon you will find that life has passed you by with nothing a but a series of caravan trips behind you and that your elderly parents will have passed away after years of shoddy treatment.

Part of marrying someone is joining your spouse's family. There can be teething problems, you might not have voluntarily chosen to have spent time with them under other circumstances or you might love them all instantly. In any event it takes work and if you love your spouse then you work on your relationship with your in-laws. He has basically treated them terribly (and you also) for in excess of twenty years because of the chips he holds on his shoulders.

Leave him!

Your Husband is right, life is too short. It is too short to be in such an awful marriage. He is a bully and i feel so sad for you, your children and your aging parents. Please don't waste another moment of your life with this awful man who doesn't care about you at all.

Dear Lord OP, think ahead! Can you imagine sharing your retirement and old age with this miserable git? Get out while the goings good.

I liked him when we first met because he seemed so grounded and down to earth and didn't try to get me into bed with nice gifts or posh meals out!!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣

I bet he didn’t! Tight-fisted arse.

Sorry OP, you married a wanker. A shameless misery-making curmudgeon who sounds like he has been a miserable old bastard his entire adult life. Are his parents equally as fun to be around? Bloody hell.

How awful that your DH has been causing all of this upset for 20years!!! He is tight fisted and mean spirited, it is not up to him how your parents live or how they spend their money. You should have never been put in this position in the first place, or your children, and of course your DS should be able to invite his grandparents to his 18th. I would be divorced by now.

I wonder if this is the reason he grumbles about their life style. He thinks the more they spend, the less there is to leave to their family?

I know you're not asking for advice on whether to leave or not but... leave.

I don't see this improving - he clearly thinks its acceptable to treat those he purports to love and care for, horribly badly, rather than just slap on a smile and be civil with people he doesn't 100% agree with/identify with.

It is only going to get worse as your kids want to do their own thing, live their own way, as your parents get older, as you get older.

I'd tell him 'life is too short to be a mean-minded petty little arsehole'.

OP you sound so passive and ground down in your updates. Is he really who you want to spend the rest of his pennypinching life with?

If one of your parents would die, you’d obviously be very sad. Will he be able to comfort you? Or would your sadness be taboo too?

Book the party… invite everyone…. Your DH is old enough to make his own mind up, but it’s a pretty poor show if he can’t be in a room FULL of other people to talk to just because your parents are there! Sounds pathetic!
Id tell him that he doesn’t need to acknowledge your parents, but needs to go!
I do hope your parents leave their inheritance to your children and not to you and DH! I wouldn’t want my SIL to see a penny of my money if he treated me like this!

I struggle to understand why you let him have his own way over this for so long! Why does he get to decide that your parents can’t come and visit you in your own home? Why does he get to be the immature idiot? Honestly, he sounds most unattractive but you seem to have rather enabled this impasse by not standing up more for what you want. Your almost-18 year old must have a skewed view of what’s acceptable in family life….

What does your son want to do for his birthday? I’d be guided by him and leave your twat of an H to do whatever he wants. And I’d be planning some big changes from now on …. ones that don’t accommodate your H’s immaturity, idiocy and intransigence.

He's a joyless bastard and an extremely rude and narrow-minded POS. I certainly would not be letting him control my relationship with my parents!! Couldn't stick that.

Life is too short not to spend it with all the people you love. If he loved you, he would tolerate them.

I can’t believe you have let him treat your parents the way he has for twenty years, I feel very sorry for them that their daughter has stood by and tolerated this behaviour for that length of time, you sound so passive and I struggle to understand how you have tolerated this, you have had a lot of sympathy on this thread but I don’t know why in all honesty, you have enabled his utterly appalling behaviour.

I’d say your life is too short to spend another year married to such a miserable sod as your husband.

This! It's none of his business.
I would have got rid of this controlling idiot years ago.

He needs to learn the phrase 'Live and let live'

I bet when (if) you leave him - and I hope you do - he's going to be really surprised

What do your children think of his attitude?

Why are you allowing this man to treat your parents like this? I wouldn't gave spent the last 20 years with him. He sounds controlling judgemental and damn right awful.

So you’re never allowed to take your dc (and yourself!) on a nice holiday or take them for a lovely meal for birthdays? He doesn’t agree with celebrating your ds’s 18th birthday?! He sounds unbearable. I couldn’t live with such a joyless person. I’d go. Tea and bloody cake for your wedding when your parents offered the champagne full deal? Is he that proud that was going to deprive you and your family/friends of that? Jeez, he sounds like he’s sucking the life out of you! I have no idea how you’ve tolerated this.