Parents and DH feud

Your husband sounds like a complete arsehole! I couldn’t be with somebody who was so rude/cruel and disrespectful to my parents without any good reason!

Imagine if your daughter in law treats your son like that. How will you feel? I can guarantee that your heart will break for him
Imagine if your daughter in law comes to you in 20 years and says she's had enough because your son treats her the way your husband treats you. How will you feel? I can guarantee you will regret not changing things now.
YOU and only YOU can break this cycle
It wont just stop at your children, but also seep through to their children You can stop it. You are only a young woman
What do you think you are going to do about it ?

This is the most important question!!

I would think about the impact it is already having on the children TBH.

Same here, had an abusive mother and made allowances for her past. When my child was born I realised I could never be as cruel to my child, and the penny dropped. That’s when I noticed that it is optional to become an abuser, I didn’t need to beat, neglect, humiliate my child just because my mum did that to me.

Well said indeed. OP, his behaviour will have a very negative effect on your relationship with any future Grandchildren. I can see your children going LC or even NC in the future. If that's what he wants that's up to him, but YOU shouldn't have to put up with it. I rarely say this,but LTB. His behaviour would be a deal breaker for me. Like a PP I have lost both my parents now. I can promise you that you will regret not seeing more of your parents and you will resent him more and more for it.

Well said @Cyclebabble , another thought of mine is how he would treat/behave with any grandchildren who come along One of the greatest joys Dh and I have is enjoying our dgs, we spend time and often quite a lot of money doing things with him, lovely experiences, meals out, buying a treat or his school shoes/coat if times are tough for mum and dad, I can well imagine this misery guts of a man spoiling these things for the OP.

@NotAgainWilson

Every abuser has a sob story, that’s how abuse is carried over.

However, every abuser had the choice to inflict their traumas on someone else or not. They shouldn’t be allowed to pass the abuse forward just because they had a difficult past. That’s how we allow abusers to continue hurting other people, by justifying them on the basis of their past and forgetting they could and can choose to stop being abusive, but they don’t want to regardless of being witness of the damage that they make, even when plenty of family and friends’ support and advice is around to help them stop. It is a choice they take.

THIS is brilliant.
I've never heard it put so eloquently.
I had a difficult relation but because I knew their horrible back story I made allowances.
One particular occasion stands out when they was invited to a special occasion I had organised (because it the thing to do)
But I hadn't anticipated that a much loved other relative would leave many hours before the critical parent arrived
( I would do things differently now)

One reflection I had on reading the thread was what happens when the children are older and have life partners? If these partners want to enjoy a lifestyle which is different from your DH's narrow expectations will he sulk and make their lives difficult? If so think about the impact that will have on your children.

Your husband sounds like a dire kill joy who wants to control everyone around him and make them live to his own miserable standards. I honestly can't stand people who wear their tightness as a badge of honour as if it some how makes them morally superior.

Does he allow the children to have hobbies, activities, social lives etc? If not, it is possible that when he retires early, your children might actually wonder why they had to leave such an austere life growing up just so that Dad could put his feet up.

Every abuser has a sob story, that’s how abuse is carried over.

However, every abuser had the choice to inflict their traumas on someone else or not. They shouldn’t be allowed to pass the abuse forward just because they had a difficult past. That’s how we allow abusers to continue hurting other people, by justifying them on the basis of their past and forgetting they could and can choose to stop being abusive, but they don’t want to regardless of being witness of the damage that they make, even when plenty of family and friends’ support and advice is around to help them stop. It is a choice they take.

Holy moly, your DH sounds completely insufferable. What an unattractive quality.

I'm glad you still do your thing OP, but oh boy it would grate on me. If your husband doesn't want to go to his own DS's birthday because his PIL are there then that's his fault. He'll just drive everyone away 🤷‍♀️

OP, you are in an abusive relationship, with a selfish bully who controls your life and separate you from people you love and things you enjoy and grew up doing ,and you cannot even see that is abuse anymore, you may even defend his stance and believe he has a point. Those are all the hallmarks of domestic abuse.

@NotAgainWilson (love the user name ) has hit the nail on the head.
@eveningqueen456 please "listen" to the advice on here. Not one poster thinks your husband is right.

@eveningqueen456 There must be a backstory here. I can't believe an adult can be that emotionally unintelligent about having feelings of disgust due to people spending their own money differently to him.

Did your DH grow up in abject poverty?
Does he have a job where he is in control a lot of the time? (teacher, police, nurse, doctor etc)
Does he have a job where he is told what to do a lot of the time?
Does he always feel like he's at risk of being poor?
Is your financial position unstable or was unstable?

Just out of interest it would be good to know if you have any savings, if so how much?

So he is tight, which is in itself a massively unattractive quality but also demands everyone to walk to his tune, ruin gatherings that don't go 100% to his standards and even control your relationship with your parents, forbids you talking about them because he is resentful they don't want to live to his demands? For things that happened years ago?

OP, you are in an abusive relationship, with a selfish bully who controls your life and separate you from people you love and things you enjoy and grew up doing ,and you cannot even see that is abuse anymore, you may even defend his stance and believe he has a point. Those are all the hallmarks of domestic abuse.

What a joy your husbands sounds.

Surely you can read back what you've written and see how unreasonable he is, it's none of his business how anyone else spends their money and why should someone change plans to please him. He sounds like an utter misery who has tried to ruin your relationship with your parents and for what? Because he thinks they spend to much, ridiculous.

Why do we think so little of ourselves that we put up with this shit.

LTB.

This

So very sad to hear this. Your Dad is 80 and growing older by the day and the DH is no spring chick!! DH appears to have suffered from the "scrooge" syndrome. Be assertive for a change in this very short life (much shorter for your parents, your Dad). Your DS has to be shown a way of acquiring a more "open" accommodative view of the world & social/family occasions/relations. All families/societies have different personalities and views but we need to get on. Life's too, too short!! You're doing no one, not even your DH, any good by agreeing to a disruptive model of family occasions. Your assertive help and love -- is needed all round. Good luck.

No you are definitely nta, you husband needs to grow up and be a bit more accepting of your parents. Not going to his sons 18th if the grandparents go is extreme and not being fair on your son. He is acting very immature, does he hold these type of grudges on anyone else or just your parents. He is also being unfair on you, your parents are in the last stage of their lives, he should be more tolerable with them. Unfortunately I think by trying to placate your DH all those years ago it's made him think his behaviour is acceptable. In my opinion I definately NOT hold 2 parties, he either goes or he doesn't and he has to deal with the fallout from his son. I lost both my parents and I can tell you now that if you do not see them whenever you want, or call them or have them at family gatherings you are going to hate yourself after they've passed and definitely hate and resent your DH to the point where you could break up and then what was the point of missing all that time with your parents.

Tell him from me he is a big baby. Huffing if he doesn't get his own way. Time to put his big boy pants on and grow up. Manipulating everyone into agreeing with him. How narcissistic

He does realise that he can't take his money with him when he's gone, right?

When he uses the phrase about life being too short, I'd retort that you agree but you think it's too short to be so frugal and not be able to enjoy the company of others, wherever that might be - at a party, in a restaurant, wherever! You were right that when he threw a hissy fit at your parents wanting to spend to celebrate your wedding day by splashing out on real champagne, that wasn't his business as it was their money and a huge red flag as to how things have gone since then.

Have your kids ever been on a sun holiday abroad on a plane with a passport? There is nothing wrong with going to a mobile home or going camping, so long as it is only one of the options available to you for a holiday.
Your 18 yr old will be amazed how people actually are when he moves out and he'll probably go in the other direction of splurging (we hope) when the occasion warrants it.

Throw your son a smashing party and say to your DH how it will look if he isn't there. It's a party for your son and his friends to celebrate that he's turned 18.

Op, do your parents pay for family guests to attend their birthday events? If so, how can that be a problem that affects your husband?
You do need to have the birthday talk about your son's party.
What can you agree to pay for? Will you pay for a 21st or a wedding or any uni fees? You and your husband need to plan your budget and plan to make certain that your children are not judged and hated by their own father.

Personally I could never stay with a spouse who did not treat my parents, siblings and children with respect.

My mom passed recently aged 80. My dad passed at 65. Your parents won't be around for long, how will you feel when they are gone and you are left with Scrooge? Ask yourself if he dislikes them so much that he wouldn't want to benefit from any inheritance you get? Sorry to be so brutal but I can't understand what you see in someone willing to disrupt his own child's birthday.

Your son is the priority, he should be able to invite who he wants if your oh is going to spit his dummy out and not go, that's on him. Imagine putting your wife and your kids in these situations.

He's making an excuse to have an issue, your dad tried to solve issues by making it easier for people on his bdsy and he still found issue. Why is it up to your husband to dictate to your dad where he had his bday tea... he needs to get a grip other wise he'll be very lonely and bitter

I would say how you feel, tell him you've had enough. Your parents won't be around for ever and you'll regret when they've gone you let him make things hard for you and you missed out on times with then, and your kids aswell. Don't let any more time pass... unless they really did something unforgiveable is it worth it only you know what happened. You'll also resent your oh. Need to sort this now