Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents and DH feud

637 replies

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 21:51

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 29/04/2024 22:17

Your DH sounds awful

If your son wants to invite his grandparents then a good father would support that

If I were you I would arrange the party for whoever your son wants to invite and if his own father is too petty to attend then so be it.

How on earth do you put up with this shitty behaviour

utilitarianism · 29/04/2024 22:17

Not wanting to ever see your parents himself is extreme, but doable. Expecting you never to speak of them in his presence is nuts.

Yanbu, but after putting up with this for so long, it won't be easy to convince him to behave. Only you know if it's worth it. He's clearly not a reasonable person, so I wouldn't expect any miraculous change of heart on his part. If you get them all together, there will still be the same tense atmosphere, if not worse.

nadine90 · 29/04/2024 22:16

Your husband sounds awful. It’s one thing being tight (and that would be one thing too many for me), it’s another entirely to be nasty about your parents enjoying their life and to not even try to get on with them for the sake of his wife.
Why are you with him?

Guavafish1 · 29/04/2024 22:14

Your husband sound like hard work

DoreenonTill8 · 29/04/2024 22:14

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant

Who was to pay for the meal @eveningqueen456?

GerbilsForever24 · 29/04/2024 22:12

No one wins here at all do they? I mean, your dad had to uninvite a bunch of his own family to his 75th because otherwise your DH would kick off and/or because he dislikes your DH so much he couldn't bring himself to have him around for his 75th.

Its impossible to say for sure if your parents or your Dh are the problem here as you don't say if there are loads of incidents where your parents have treated him badly or vice versa. Or if anyone attempted to smooth over the original issue. But this level of lack of interest in your wider family is a bit ridiculous, as is constant whining about another family's lifestyle so I'm inclined to think your DH is th eproblem.

FrenchandSaunders · 29/04/2024 22:11

Do you not have nice meals out or holidays?

pikkumyy77 · 29/04/2024 22:11

What a horrible person your dh is. I am usually on the side of people who don’t like tbeir in laws but this whole story is just awful. He is controlling , mean, stingy, and utterly able to care about you or your children if it interferes with his selfish feud.

FrenchandSaunders · 29/04/2024 22:11

He gets het up about your parents lifestyle and what they spend their money on! None of his
bloody business!

You can’t be very happy OP, he sounds awful.

Hoolagan · 29/04/2024 22:10

DH sounds incredibly difficult. Are you
happy? Do you love him? Do you think he loves you?

CountFucula · 29/04/2024 22:09

Brewers Fayre. Ye Gods.
Ignore (or better Get rid of) your husband.

SpeedyDrama · 29/04/2024 22:06

there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

Well of course there is, your husband is Scrooge - sucking the life and fun out of any event that cost more than a half penny and tap water it seems. Why on earth have you let him get away with being such a miser about your parents way of enjoying themselves? He genuinely thought he had a right to dictate where your dad had his birthday meal and has sulked since? Honestly I don’t see how you find this man attractive, especially now foot stomping about his own son’s birthday.

I can’t believe you’re actually considering two parties to placate him, a supposed grown man who the party isn’t even for. One party, either he comes or he doesn’t. Stop the pandering, your parents and son deserve more respect.

Swipe left for the next trending thread