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Original poster

Parents and DH feud

637 replies

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 21:51

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

OP posts:
maddening · 29/04/2024 22:42

Your husband is a dick

Original poster
eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 22:41

It all started when we got married and my parents offered to pay but wanted his words "a posh and snobby affair" - with caterers and real champagne - DH just wanted tea and cake in a church hall and in the end they got their way because I wanted "the posh do" - OK OK looking back this was probably a massive red flag!!!!!

When I went back to work he also presumed my mum would give up work to offer us childcare but she carried on working till her 70's so they can afford the lifestyle they choose to live.

We spend very little time together as couple as I have quite a few friends who I enjoy going out with - he has never ever stopped me seeing friends or going out although he can't understand why I can't just be happy with a cup of tea at a mates house or a coffee in a coffee shop or pub rather than going out to a nice restaurant/wine bar/ where snobs go.

We've been on a few holidays but only caravan sites or camping.

He can be so lovely but only to people he likes and they are what he calls "run of the mill" people who don't spend money to show off.

OP posts:
Dareisayiseethesunshine · 29/04/2024 22:40

Def divorce him while your dps are still alive. Do not let him get his hands on any of your inheritance...

SweetFemaleAttitude · 29/04/2024 22:38

Your husband sounds horrible

Tight with a huge chip, nay, jacket potato on his shoulder.

You're contemplating having 2 parties to keep him appeased.

FFS.

The only person he loves is himself.

Dump him before you end up missing out on the last year's of your parents life, keeping the peace.

Absolute man baby.

I would feel ashamed if he was my dad, let alone my life partner.

Nosleepforthismum · 29/04/2024 22:37

I’m not sure why you’ve tolerated his behaviour for so long tbh. My DH would be pulled up sharpish if he tried to control who visited me in my own home.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2024 22:34

It is absolutely tragic that you have squandered the last 20 years you could have had with your parents and instead chose an abusive, petty, cruel arsehole over them.

The regret you are going to live with for the rest of your life will be crushing.

Rowen32 · 29/04/2024 22:33

How absolutely horrendous, I never say this but flipping hell, dump him

NewName24 · 29/04/2024 22:29

SpeedyDrama · 29/04/2024 22:06

there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

Well of course there is, your husband is Scrooge - sucking the life and fun out of any event that cost more than a half penny and tap water it seems. Why on earth have you let him get away with being such a miser about your parents way of enjoying themselves? He genuinely thought he had a right to dictate where your dad had his birthday meal and has sulked since? Honestly I don’t see how you find this man attractive, especially now foot stomping about his own son’s birthday.

I can’t believe you’re actually considering two parties to placate him, a supposed grown man who the party isn’t even for. One party, either he comes or he doesn’t. Stop the pandering, your parents and son deserve more respect.

Everything that was said in the first reply.

Have the party, invite your parents and if your dh is childish enough to not come, then he will just show himself up to everyone there - ds's friends as well as the extended family.

ExtraOnions · 29/04/2024 22:28

So he thinks it’s ok to put your son in the horrible position of either having no 18th birthday celebration, or to have one without his Dad, or, without his GP.

Crikey .. my MIl has got on my nerves in the past, but we just get on with it.

Unless your parents done something really toxic, this is your DH being petulant.

Azandme · 29/04/2024 22:27

Your husband sounds awful. Controlling, miserly, selfish...

Ugh.

WinterDeWinter · 29/04/2024 22:26

Sorry to be so blunt, OP, but please, please dump him before your parents die. Apart from the fact that he's a controlling shit, and your life has been made smaller and more miserable by his presence in it, and their lives too - I bet the reason that he's angered by their 'extravagance' is because he sees it coming off a future inheritance.

Please please don't let him benefit from his appalling treatment of them and you, and now your son.

HyggeTygge · 29/04/2024 22:26

You say your parents don't like him either. Have they said why, other than this? They sound a bit more reasonable than him; what do you think is their main dislike of him?

Wishitsnows · 29/04/2024 22:25

The party will no doubt be more fun without your DH there

Wishitsnows · 29/04/2024 22:24

Your DH sounds like an insufferable asshole. Why have you put up with his behaviour. Your parents sound lovely. Why would he put you in this situation. Why do you stay? Sounds like your son would want his grandparents there so why is he ruining that as well. Doubt he is going to pay for a great party for you son either.

Maninthemoonsmiles · 29/04/2024 22:24

It must be so sad for you and your parents OP that they cant come to your home and be welcome in your family life. Your husband has divided the family and why is he so judgy about them spending money on themselves anyway? He sounds utterly joyless.

Can you get to the bottom of why he does this and do you think he is willing to change or are you wanting to risk pushing for change? Otherwise it will always be this horrible divided life and why should your DS miss out on his own family being all around him for party?

Saintmariesleuth · 29/04/2024 22:24

It's your son's party- he will be an adult and therefore he gets to choose the guest list. Your husband is being a knob to threaten your son not to attend his own 18th birthday party. I really would be pushing back against your husband on this.

Your husband sounds like hardwork. I hope you have discussed retirement and will have access to your own pot of money OP (I know this isn't the point of the thread, but I wouldn't risk being financially dependent on this man EVER).

peebles32 · 29/04/2024 22:23

Mmm, bet your husband has no problem if you get an inheritance from your parents

CwmYoy · 29/04/2024 22:23

Why are you still married to this awful man?

SallyWD · 29/04/2024 22:22

How awful - your DH hasn't spoken to your parents for years because of your dad's birthday plans?! It's none of his business!! You said the atmosphere was always horrible when they were together so I'm not surprised your dad didn't want him there! How dare your DH comment and judge your parents because they like to enjoy life.
Honestly OP, I can't believe you've put up with this for so long. I'd never let anyone treat my parents like that.

StormingNorman · 29/04/2024 22:22

Your husband’s need to control the situation is the most concerning part of this. Is he like this about other things too?

WimpoleHat · 29/04/2024 22:22

Your DH needs to grow up. I’m not massively keen on my in-laws, but there are times when, for the sake of family harmony/making my DH’s life easier/nicer, we all do things together. And we all do so with good grace, even if we wouldn’t choose to be best mates in different circumstances. That’s what adults do. And to throw a hissy fit over your son’s 18th is childish and selfish in the extreme.

LarkRiseSummer · 29/04/2024 22:19

Your husband has a huge inferiority complex. What the hell is it to him how your parents spend their own money? What's he like about your friends, or have you given up on friendships to keep the peace at home? He sounds like a grade 1 twat.

MustDust · 29/04/2024 22:19

Of course you don't argue anymore, you're doing as you're told. He's tight, he doesn't let you enjoy time with your parents and he's going ruin his own son's 18th because it's his way or the highway. What redeeming features does he have?

cansu · 29/04/2024 22:18

Your husband sounds awful. He seems to make everything about him. Why does he get to approve or disapprove of their choices fir restaurants etc? It is ridiculous. I would be having the party and invite everyone. If he wants to sulk let him. Why should he control who you see and talk about?

Neolara · 29/04/2024 22:18

Your dh sounds like a big baby.

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