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Original poster

Parents and DH feud

637 replies

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 21:51

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

OP posts:
Badgerandfox227 · 30/04/2024 04:26

OP I’m so sorry you’ve been in this situation for so long, it must be really draining for you. You can do anything about the time that’s passed, but you can decide how you want your life to be going forward. Things can continue as they are, or you can make a change.
After all this time, it seems unlikely that your DH will change. I would be very concerned that he may develop a feud with your own children, if he doesn’t agree with how they live their lives.
Now your parents are in their 70’s, is this how you want things to continue?

tamade · 30/04/2024 04:22

I don’t know if it’s relevant but it reads like your dad is actually 80 not in his 70’s

cerebuswannabe · 30/04/2024 03:33

You and your children have missed out on so many happy times with your parents because of your husband.

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 30/04/2024 03:30

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

Let your DS have his party and invite whoever he bloody well likes.

If his dad refuses to be there, so be it. His choice, and ultimately, his loss.

STOP KOWTOWING TO THIS MANCHILD.

And take your kids on holiday.

Ponderingwindow · 30/04/2024 03:00

Are you even going to be allowed to spend money on an 18th birthday party?

Kellogg1 · 30/04/2024 02:57

When your parents pass you will regret letting your dh have so much control over this aspect of your life. Either change the situation or prepare to live with that regret.

ApathyMartha · 30/04/2024 02:48

What do your friends think of him? Do they avoid seeing him? Do you defend him? Or have they tried to talk to you about it and are now having to bide their time in the hope you’ll have an epiphany and realise?

Ottersmith · 30/04/2024 01:08

It's not ok for him to be like this with your parents at all. When they are dead you will be so full of regrets at how you pandered to this. Just leave him behind if he won't go but he's got no right to alienate you or your kids from your family.

Iaskedyouthrice · 30/04/2024 00:38

This is so fucked up. 20 years?! It'll be your children next. If they dare 'show off' when they are adults and earning. Will you just go along with his wishes then? Why have you gone along with this bullshit? My god your poor parents. I hope you tell your children that this isn't normal behaviour and he isn't right.

KikiShaLeeBopDeBopBop · 30/04/2024 00:33

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 21:51

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

He sounds like a peach, op.

won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them

You realise this is controlling to the point of abuse?

Time to reclaim your family.

Catoo · 30/04/2024 00:19

OP time to tell H how it’s going to be.
You will see your parents. As will your DC. You will talk about them if you want to. Your DS will invite them to his party and H will be there for your son. This is not negotiable. You won’t put up with it anymore.

If he is not there you will divorce him.

I’m so sad you’ve let him do this for 20 years. 20 years OP. He’s punished them for giving you the wedding you wanted. They must have have suffered seeing you with this man all these years. Your children grew up with him slagging off their DGP.

Please start spending much more time with your parents and DC altogether before the opportunity is lost.

💐

Charlie2121 · 30/04/2024 00:03

bluebeardswife7 · 29/04/2024 23:48

Most people spend time with people they don't love. Spending time with my in-laws is a chore, but like work, you often have to spend time with people you wouldn't choose. It's all about greasing the social wheels. Fair enough to get angry if they move in. But he can put on a game face for the odd afternoon.

If he doesn’t want to see them I don’t see why he has to. If that’s what he chooses he shouldn’t impose that on his DP and DC as well though.

My DH hasn’t seen my parents in years after a huge fall out which I have to admit was my father’s fault. The last time he saw them was way before I was pregnant. Our DS is now 3. He never stops me or DS seeing them though and never makes any derogatory comments he just has nothing to do with them himself. It’s really no big deal now and everyone is used to the situation.

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/04/2024 23:59

Oh my God you are married to someone from a Viz comic.

How enough can you bear him?

What on earth is he going to be like when he retires? He will be around you all day moaning and shouting at you.

Your poor parents. If you can't do it if your children do it for them and leave him.

SpoonyFish · 29/04/2024 23:56

I feel bad for your parents that your husband has been enabled to create such strife between you all.

He's controlling and likely abusive in other ways also if we were to hear more.

Bad example for your kids to witness this.

How would he react if you/your son said one party for everyone and he just needs to get on with it?

bluebeardswife7 · 29/04/2024 23:54

Ok, now I have read the rest of the thread. Enjoy your lovely generous parents. Let them treat your kids and let them indulge you on their birthdays. Sack off your miserable twunt of a partner.

StormingNorman · 29/04/2024 23:51

Inferiority complexes make people so high maintenance. How have you put up with him? It must be incredibly draining.

Cornishclio · 29/04/2024 23:49

Yes of course your DH needs to get over himself and accept your parents given presumably you and your DC want to have a relationship with them. Why on earth did he expect your DM to give up work to look after your DC when it appears he does not even seem to like them or even make any attempt to see things from their point of view. BTW he seems mean rather than frugal and if you never go out for nice meals or holidays then that seems a bit of a joyless life to me.

You may have stopped the arguments but only because you are letting him control you.

bluebeardswife7 · 29/04/2024 23:48

Most people spend time with people they don't love. Spending time with my in-laws is a chore, but like work, you often have to spend time with people you wouldn't choose. It's all about greasing the social wheels. Fair enough to get angry if they move in. But he can put on a game face for the odd afternoon.

PamPamPamPam · 29/04/2024 23:42

saraclara · 29/04/2024 23:25

I don't know where to start. So he thinks that anyone who spends money is showing off? That's bizarre in itself.

But this is the post that I most want to quote

It is absolutely tragic that you have squandered the last 20 years you could have had with your parents and instead chose an abusive, petty, cruel arsehole over them.

The regret you are going to live with for the rest of your life will be crushing.

Your poor father just wanted a nice 'big birthday' meal of his choice. But that was enough for your DH to kick off to the point that your parents can't even be mentioned in his presence for FIVE YEARS.

As the parent of adults, I can't begin to imagine how awful the last 20 years have been for your parents. And it's not just the generation above you that are suffering and worrying, it's your son too, who can't be allowed to have the family birthday celebration he wants.

Your husband is simply awful. This is one of the most appalling stories I've read on this site. And it's quite bizarre that you've stayed with him, especially when it seems that you don't have any quality time with him anyway.

Your son deserves better and your parents do. Please dump this man before he ends up return his hands on their money (which he's clearly been ogling for a couple of decades).

All of this. He has already alienated you from your parents, and by the sounds of it is laying the foundations to alienate you from your son (it wouldn't surprise me if once your son moves out his visits home greatly diminish over time).

He is not your master. You can talk about who you want, go where you want and do what you want. For god's sake he tried to control what your dad ate on his own birthday! How can you not see this for what it is?

Tourmalines · 29/04/2024 23:40

Leave the prick .

GiantWaterBottl · 29/04/2024 23:35

Just reading the comments below mine and they've put it much more eloquently than I managed.
I'm just so, so sad for you OP. And devastated for your parents.

I really hope you manage to see the light and claw back some precious time with your parents.
I also hope he never gets a penny from them!

Codlingmoths · 29/04/2024 23:33

I guess this controlling dick doesn’t go to his son’s 18th then. Your poor parents. Imagine assuming your wife’s mum will do all your childcare, what a fuck. I’d start weekly visits so the dc know their grandparents and tell Dh this is you, these are your parents, theyve only ever been nice to him when god only knows he doesn’t deserve that, and if he is going to be shitty with it he knows where the door is.

dressagediva84 · 29/04/2024 23:31

This is one of those threads on Mumsnet where I have to assume that the husband must be amazing in bed for you to put up with his behaviour...

GiantWaterBottl · 29/04/2024 23:30

Wow I'm so sorry OP this is really heartbreaking to read.

He has caused you (at least) 5 years of misery in relation to your parents and stolen precious and limited from you all.

I keep thinking of your poor parents and all the worries and conversations they'll have had about you and how sad they've been and how worried that you've ended up with this awful man!

He really does sound like an awful man. You can't compartmentalise the fact away in that he's nice to his friends.

What a waste of precious time. Please, please tell him where to go!

Also he sounds like a total reverse snob

TheaBrandt · 29/04/2024 23:27

Concur with everyone else. How does he even manage to walk around with that enormous chip on his shoulder? Inverse snobbery. Your poor parents.

Seems odd to me that you have meekly gone along with his weird chippy joyless world view though. You either must on some level agree with him or you are afraid of him.