Parents and DH feud

So your parents wanted to pay for something nice for you that you wanted for your wedding day and your husband hasn’t spoken to them since?? How are you still married to this man? He’s very unreasonable!

Ditch the husband, have 1 party and if husband chooses not to come then that’s on him, just make sure everyone knows why he’s choosing to be petty and not come to his sons party including your son, get some holidays that you want to do booked in with your children/family. It sounds like he sucks the joy out of everything and everyone! I don’t know how you’ve lasted 20 years with him!

Right, your second post is interesting. You say there was a lot of resentment towards your parents initially over your (supposedly posh, snobby) wedding - but then you say it was the wedding YOU wanted. Surely if it was such a sin he wouldn't have wanted to marry you - your values being so misaligned? You also say you go out a lot with friends to nice restaurants and wine bars. So he can accept that YOU enjoy "posh, snobby" weddings and restaurants but can't accept it from your parents? Interesting, and it's obvious that this isn't about your parents at all, it's all about his crippling inferiority COMPLEX. Do you have any joint friends? I guess if you do they are his 'run of the mill', pie and chips friends.

I feel so sorry for your parents, and believe me I've had inlaw issues for decades, but like grown-ups we put our differences aside for the good of the family because we're not petulant, spiteful fools.

Agree with pp’s that your DH is more in the wrong here. It’s just very bad manners on his part. There’s being frugal and then there’s just being rude.. he is being unbelievably rude. You don’t get to choose where someone else has their birthday!! He needs to understand that he can be frugal with his own choices but not that of others. How will he behave when he has his own children grown up and married with their partners??? I’d be worrying that he isn’t a family man really and that his behaviour is just all about himself. If you are hoping for a family dynamic like your parents’ have when you are older, good luck with that if he is still your DH.

I would be very reluctant to continue to let him issue them or me edicts about things. It’s sounds as though he has done this very successfully for a while, but look forward - if/when your children get married, do you think he’s going to try and ban your parents? I think he will. He sounds like hard work to be honest. Is he spontaneous and joyful over small things that don’t cost money? You deserve better.

Fucking hell - how on earth are you able to not have the massive ICK over a husband this pathetic? How dare he dictate what your dad should do for his own birthday? How dare he try and make his own child choose over family?? What a pathetic excuse for a parent.

If my DH treated my parents or child like that I’d have been out.

When I went back to work he also presumed my mum would give up work to offer us childcare

I bet he did.

Does he think anyone exists not to please him? What do you see in him?

Oh OP, this must be up there with one of the saddest threads I have read.
He sounds like he has put a damper on your whole married life.
You mention holidays. There is nothing wrong with camping and caravans if that is what you both want, your post implies you want more.
It appears you have missed out on a lot because of your husband.

What happens when your parent's die? Will you have to grieve in private because he won't let you talk about them?

Is this the life you really want? Stuck with a miserable miser for the rest of your life?

This!!

Your h is a miserly, controlling fun sponge.

Your husband sounds like a revolting and controlling person. And he thinks Brewers Fayre is an accetable dining establishment.
Why have you put up with this behaviour towards important people in your life?

Are you an only child OP?

Is he so mean he thinks your parents are spending his inheritance?

I hope they are leaving it to your children.

How awful is he?

The overwhelming message here is that your husband is at best sulky, controlling and unkind. How horrible for you to forever be the peacemaker, the meat in the sandwich, whatever. It must be exhausting, and has to totally wring all the joy, the anticipation out of every family event. He obviously likes to get his way by whatever means and that’s not ok. It’s just not! The term inverted snob comes to mind, and I’m so sorry this is your lot in life. Well it’s your lot, until something changes, not easy I bet.

Agreed. If something doesn't change I think you will have big regrets when they are gone.

He expected your mum to give up work to provide free childcare 😂
Did his mum provide any free childcare?

Why on earth are you still married to this man? For goodness sake out your son first, have a big party and tell you DH to stay away.

How have you stayed married to him? He sounds tight, mean, judgemental and you've allowed him to treat your parents like this as well. You've backed the wrong horse here op

Your 'D'H is also the definition of a snob btw:

a person who believes that their tastes in a particular area are superior to those of other people.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children.

This is quite telling tbf. In this circumstance, my Dad would (has, always) foot the bill for his invited family (Son in laws included - at most, my Dad would only allow us to buy a round of drinks). Gosh my Dad would exclude my sister and I from his birthday meal (and choice of venue would always be discussed, he'd never make it his choice alone) before he'd exclude his grandkids! Your parents aren't short of money, you describe them as being very good to themselves, yet they won't shout their grandkids a meal?

Your parents AND your husband both sound quite tiresome to a degree, and it's a shame neither party seem willing to bend the knee for your sake.

Your dh is a joy thief & a scrooge, how can you put up with being forced to choose between him & your parents? I would end the marriage now before things like inheritance come in the picture. Have your ds party & invite your parents & let the Grinch stay at home, he would only create an atmosphere & suck out all the joy on your ds special day. When you decide to split, rinse him for every penny you can, it's the only thing he cares about.

He sounds awful. No wonder your parents don't like him.

I'd encourage your son to have the big party then do something separate with him dad he shouldn't have to do what your husband wants just because you do.

So is your husband stashing his money away in savings for the benefit of you all, while you spend yours on going out to nice restaurants.
Or are you going out to nice restaurants while he struggles to put a roof over your heads ?
Either way, it seems you are living a different life to that of your husband and have always done so. Your lifestyle is more akin to that of your parents than the frugal lifestyle your husband chooses for himself. He objects to your parents because of their lifestyle but doesn’t object to you because of yours - which is a bit odd.

To my mind, going out to nice restaurants is lovely but only as long as you can properly afford it. You don’t say whether you can afford it, as a family, or not.

But in any case, your son should be able to invite his grandparents to his celebration if he wants to without the childish threat from his father that he won’t come if they come. And your husband has no right to judge anybody else’s choice of lifestyle if they can afford it.

Your husband sounds controlling and it’s hard to see how you have managed to live alongside each other for 20 years without this issue coming between you before now.
Maybe this is crunch point for you ?

He really is awful and controlling - look ahead to your own retirement - do you want to spend cold days with this tyrant?

I would divorce him, he is so controlling. I feel sorry for your parents and for you.

His behaviour is more than economic (which is fine when driven by necessity) but it’s mean spirited, twisted and pedantic. Why spend a future with somebody who thinks so little of your beloved family, they havent done anything wrong. He’s Someone who makes a mountain out of a molehill and can’t be arsed to sacrifice a couple of hours to make your sons birthday party happen.

What’s his relationship like with his own family?

This.

If my DH tried this, I'd ultimately leave him. I couldn't live that miserable life.