Parents and DH feud

this!

Imagine how relieved your parents would be if you left him.
Imagine how long they've bitten their tongue so as not to interfere

Oh, I feel sad on your behalf Op, and sad for your son.

Your DH’s behaviour and attitude is just abominable. Who on earth made him the arbiter of people’s fun & spending?

As pp suggested, he will have his mitts out for any inheritance, should some ever come your way.

Please, take your children and leave him.

Just wondering
Will your husband happily accept your inheritance ( if you get one ) to benefit him
like paying of mortgage / holidays house renovations

or will he say it’s yours I don’t want anything to do with the money

Also you say your begining to resent him now so if your close to parents when they pass away they are healthy and in there seventies at the moment but elderly people can go down hill fast .

in my eyes he’s an abusive controlling prick
who is only happy when he’s got his own way

He really needs to grow up, get into the 21st century and get over his obsession with snobs. There's nothing snobby about liking restaurants a bit more upmarket than Brewers' Fayre, Don't let him limit your children's lives with this nonsense.

You’re going to look back one day and really regret your decision to marry your DH, as you’ve been the one who’s spent half your life compromising your wishes to keep the peace.

In your shoes, I’d arrange a great party for DS and then make plans to divorce.

You won’t live forever so don’t waste your later years feeling sad and resentful when you’re still young and healthy enough to enjoy life.

I can't believe you have put up with this for decades. I'd have left the first time a man told me who or what I could talk about in my own house.

Your DH needs to grow up. You don't have to be best friends but that does not mean you have to be enemies. My Dh can't stand my parents (with very good reason we are very low contact) but when we see them he's polite and gets on with it

He sounds very selfish, given that he’s willing to put his needs above that of his children. He also sounds controlling, given that your relationship is only good when he’s getting his way and you’re being a compliant partner who does as she is told.

For 20 years your DPs have been worried about you being married to this selfish man.
You know that he is controlling and that you have allowed it to be this way by compromising but as @BlumminKids ** noted it is a poor example to be setting to your DC.

Don’t try to spin this into something this isn’t. This is a thread about a controlling, resentful and ill-tempered husband.

Not a place to point out the - in this case completely imaginary - hypocrisy of mumsnet.

I can see why your parents don't like him.

He's an abusive, controlling, manipulative fucker. Open your eyes.

Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them.

won’t let you? It’s your house as well!!
Your DH can put on his big boy pants and attend. Or explain to your DS why he won’t.

When I went back to work he also presumed my mum would give up work to offer us childcare but she carried on working till her 70's so they can afford the lifestyle they choose to live.

wow. Putting the burden of care work on women is patriarchy 101. but to put it this bluntly? Has he no shame?

I can’t help but notice that there is no mention of his parents. Are they still alive? What is / was your relationship with them?

@JudgeJ if the in laws are being cruel or abusive then absolutely. But that's not the case here. They had a disagreement 20 years ago about how much money her parents spent on their wedding (a wedding that OP also wanted) and then a disagreement 5 years ago about where the OP's dad went for his birthday meal. That's it. Are you seriously telling me those two instances justify this man's behaviour? Really?

How can you compare to examples of overbearing and mean behaviour that we often hear about women having to endure from their in laws on here? Which range from MILs demanding to be birthing partners to PILs expecting their sons to support financially, physically or emotionally? It is absolutely not the same.

And in most of the posts about overbearing PILs from the OP's perspective, a lot of the advice suggests that the OP disengage herself from the situation and let her DH deal with it. The man in this case will not even allow the OP to mention her parents' names in his presence! How can you possibly compare the two? I get that a lot of people are focused on the NAMALT nonsense but this really does take it too far.

Your dh sounds fucking awful. And you’ve been beaten down to take this shit from him and see it as normal and acceptable.

even the wedding issue - it’s not your parents vs him. YOU wanted what your parents were offering to pay for. Yet instead of being open and compromising for the woman he “loves” he’s separated you from your loving family who want to support you and see you happy.

I know you’ve been together a long time, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life living this way..?

I haven't read all of this thread as rushing out to work. I apologise if I repeat what PP have already said.
I just wanted to say that your son will be soaking up his fathers behaviour and learning from him that the way he conducts his life and attitude towards you and his grandparents is acceptable and normal and could well dish out the same to a future partner.
If you have any daughters they too will be growing up ready to accept that kind of behaviour from a potential future partner, as they see you accept it from him. All of which I'm sure wasn't in your grand plan when you had them
Your poor parents have watched you suffer in silence with this horrible man who you say can be nice, but only when it suits him. I'm sure that wasn't in their grand plan when they had you too.
You can stop this cycle now. For the sake of you children and future grandchildren, because believe me, it WILL filter down. Good luck x

Question: if he hates your parents that much, if you inherit when they die, presumably he won't touch a penny of their money out of principle? 👀

He sounds like an absolute fun sponge who has made you choose him over your parents. If he really loved you, he wouldn't put you in that position. You have one life and yours sounds like one that's being half lived. LTB.

This! Of course your dad didn’t want his 75th birthday celebration at a bloody brewers fayre. Completely up to him where he celebrates his birthday and your DH sounds ridiculous making this a massive issue (or making it any issue at all). Tell your DH to get a grip or ditch him. Is he always so controlling and miserable? Sounds absolutely insufferable. This is not normal.

What an arse. Ask your lovely, fun, generous parents if you can move back in with them while you sort yourself out and leave this miserable miser.

I can only imagine how stressful it is to ‘share’ life with a miser…and it is miserly to be mean spirited and tightfisted. I wonder what your husband is bringing to the party? As he likes plain talk the answer seems to be ‘bugger all’.
Does he consider your emotional needs? His duty towards you? Honour thy mother and father used to be a very commonly used phrase when I was young, it’s rather less fashionable now but still apt. Your parents love and cherish you, they have worked hard and they are generous. Your husband resents them because they know how to enjoy life, it is rather pathetic and his attitude towards them is very unjust. What is he going to be like if you become grandparents? He is a very poor role model as a parent and husband, but what do you want to do about his dictatorship? Clearly he doesnt feel motivated to behave well towards you, your son or your parents. He isn't going to make an effort to be an adult and he's been getting away with poor behaviour for several years under the pretence that it makes life ‘less argumentative’. You deserve better, and you know that, but dealing with someone who is so indifferent to doing the right thing will require you to put in place boundaries which are non negotiable. If he refuses, it isn't merely a red flag it should be a deal breaker. Don’t waste your life on a miser.

Your husband is a selfish controlling unreasonable arsehole.

Op, one day your DPs will need your help, will your DH stand in your way then? Frankly, I'd be very wary of a man who can hold a grudge for years over so little. Will he expect your DS to have his 18th at the local cafe with a budget of a £5 a head?

This! 1000%!

he can be so lovely but only to people he likes

And there it is again.

I agree with the consensus - your husband sounds awful. What kind of father does this to his child? Find out where's he's salting away money too. I knew someone married to a controlling man like that. He left her, after emptying savings she was unaware of, and their bank account.