Parents and DH feud

Many round here have an 18th with their mates (usually clubbing as they can now get in!). Then a little famiky party ours is in the garden just extended family both sets GPs and aunts uncles and cousins. V sweet. Dd asked for this.

Well yes it seems the parents knew the husband would baulk at the cost (which isn't unacceptable of him? If you're inviting people to your birthday celebration, and expecting them to pay their own way, isn't it polite to consider the cost to them?).
The OP would need to clarify, but it sounds like she paid for herself at this birthday meal (I've never gone for a meal with my Dad and paid, he wouldn't hear of it. And hell would freeze over before he'd exclude my daughter or my niece!). The OP has made clear her parents are flush, they could very easily have shouted their family a meal.

Are you likely to inherit one day OP? What will your DH do then, refuse to accept any inheritance benefiting him in any way as it’s showing off!
He sounds incredibly hard work, and I think I’d be inclined to spend as much time as possible with my parents as who knows how much time you’ve left with them. This must be difficult for your DC too, what a misery he is!

They aren't going to get on, so forget it and organise your separate parties as happily as you can. Two parties for DS. Fine.

I don't like the sound of your husband. After the parties are done, think about if you want this for the rest of your life.

eta: Just wondering - will he be offended if you inherit from them? Or will he think he should take control of any funds you have, to manage them 'properly'?

Your husband has done a PROPER job on you. Alienating your parents for wanting to give you a nice wedding. Then getting even worse when they refused to accommodate his cheap crap ideas for THEIR OWN party. And people don’t spend money “to show off” in most normal lives, they spend their own money to enjoy themselves, treat family and friends and have experiences which create good memories.

Honestly I think you need to get rid of him and start being allowed to enjoy your life and spend time with your parents without being made to feel guilty. Have the big party for your DC. Buy some real champagne. Invite your parents. Don’t let his narcissistic misery spoil their lives too.

More likely that they didn't want to upset their other daughter as they probably get on ok with their other son in law. They made the best decision knowing how the OPs husband would be creating a bad atmosphere. I feel sorry for OPs sister actually that her husband and kids also missed out and are affected by OPs husband. What does your sister think of him OP?

Off topic, but surely if a young person wants an 18th birthday party then it's for their friends, not a bunch of rellies. I would have been mortified if any parents or grandparents had shown up at my 18th (fortunately, they didn't!).

He sounds like he sucks the joy out of life. Urgh. Have an amazing party without him. It’s not about him!

Your husband sounds like an arsehole and a right misery guts, OP.

Do you actually love him?

WTF - how have you even lived with this man for this long - he sounds rude, disrespectful and your children are seeing all of this?! Fuck me - women put up with the absolute shittest men sometimes. I hope you are OK op - i do feel really and for you, if my husband ever did that to me - i would leave him.

Was it not more because they knew the joy thief would moan if they went somewhere fancy and took the GC as well so they just went somewhere with their children and excluded everyone else to not give him the chance to bitch about it?

This is not normal family life. I'm feeling really sad for you and your children. What is his relationship like with his own parents and your relationship like with them? Maybe he grew up in real poverty or feels jealous of your upbringing and has low self esteem. Whatever the reasons, whatever he is still processing, its affecting your children. What happens if they want to spend money and go to nice places? They have missed out on so much. Please take them away abroad, let your husband stay at home counting pennies. Better still make a life for yourself and your children without him. You still have plenty life ahead of you and you can't have this ball and chain to drag you down.

Wedding and birthday aside, I come from the perspective of when partner's and parents don't get on (yours don't seem toxic, whereas mine were and are now not in contact).

My parent's hated my OH for no other reason other than he comes from a 'questionable' family (far from the truth as both families had similar issues/environments/working) and how my OH wasn't like them. My family were the one's with the initial issue and out of defence for their son, inlaws were as vocal about them BUT were cautious around me as knew I was caught in the middle. Inlaws contributed towards wedding (as did for the other siblings!) whilst mine got upset that they weren't asked 🤔 like I would ever ASK for a contribution. Wedding stuff happens and whilst inlaws tried to brave it out, mine acted appallingly and made a show of leaving early. The only one hurt, was me. My OH too, caught the brunt and after the whole parental relationship broke down, HE said that whilst he'd accept me having a relationship with my parents, he wouldn't be comfortable with our children being involved. He encouraged me to keep a relationship, it was ME that said no. The way my OH was treated was a factor in that and I didn't want my children exposed to my parent's hateful attitude (this kinda rings of your OH, sharing his dislike and influencing his son's event). I don't much like some family members and have had conflict in the past with some (irrelevant to this case) but if it mattered to my children to have certain members there, I'd grit my teeth and put on a show whilst avoiding unnecessary contact with said members.

Your OH is choosing to sever that tie (entitled, can't get on with everyone) and you've supported that. But that's where it should end - he has no tie to your parents but he DOES have a tie to his children and his children's needs trump his. It's a party, he can remain with those he chooses and avoid those he doesn't- its called being an adult. Heck, he could remain in the flippin kitchen out the back if he really wants to avoid sharing air space. Having separate party's may placate HIM, but is a ridiculous overspend (and dismissive to your son whom has his own vision) because he can't grimace one occasion. Whilst I don't think he should necessarily let the feud go, he should be civil for his son's party.

I wonder though - his attitude does give vibes of resentment, and you too? I don't mean that in a nasty way, but I can't envision I'd feel great at having my view of fun as 'snobby' and having to stick to caravan holidays when I quite fancy a holiday abroad 🤔 that sounds tough. You've been piggy in the middle for 20+ years, that's got to have some effect on how ypu act/talk around him 😕 what if there's a health condition or trauma you need to air with someone close (OH??!) are you meant you hold that upset in so HE feels supported in this feud 🤔

As others have said, you're in an abusive relationship. Is this really the life you want OP? Your entire future, and that of your kids, having its joy sucked out of it by this horrible, horrible man?

He excluded his grandkids from his birthday meal though. Am I the only one reading between the lines (that the parents sound neither 'lovely' nor 'generous'?).

Gosh @eveningqueen456 it sounds like my ex has a twin and you’ve had the misfortune to marry him. My mother was widowed in her early 60’s and being sociable and outgoing lived a very happy life, many friends, holidays etc and loved to take us out for nice meals, and in her late 80’s early 90’s this was really all she felt she could do to treat us. Ex hated this, his idea of a treat was a cup of tea at McDonalds, and he always sucked the joy from any days out with his horrible tightness.

Come the divorce and in all seriousness, he wanted my future inheritance taken into account. Was most put out when it was pointed out it was entirely up to my mother who her money was left to etc, and now at 98 (still remarkably well) it looks like her very lovely care home will be taking most of it anyway.

One thing I can say, life seven years on from our separation is soooo much better in every way.

Your poor son as well being put in this situation after a lifetime of not having anything other than that which your miser of a husband seems necessary.

Leave him and get a bit of joy back in your life and watch your relationship in the time you have left with your parents flourish.

I've no idea why you've put up with him so long op - he's being ridiculous and miserly

You husband sounds awful, and tight!

I’m absolutely stunned that you have put up with his abysmal selfish behaviour for 20 years 😱 Is this the life you want to lead for the rest of your life - no holiday abroad, no trips to a fancy restaurant for your birthday, no stress free family gatherings, no nice treats for your children or yourself. Sounds like such a waste of a life.

Inverse snobbery is utterly tiresome. I couldn't live with someone like that. And as for the miserly behaviour, there are no pockets in a shroud

Oh ffs. Your husband is not this special that he is worth upsetting your parents or your son. Don't be that parent that placates your husband by shitting on your son. Because believe me, this is a defining moment and if you do not choose your son this time you will lose him when he's old enough to move out. He will never forget this.

So sorry you have had to sacrifice your own happiness for a sulky tight arse of a dh. You're caught between a rock and a hard place. I hope you can work it out for your son's sake

You sound like such different people. He sounds miserable and like he resents anyone actually being happy.
You a clearly a well likes person, have a good social circle, enjoy life.

You wanted a big wedding and your parents paid for it. He didn't want to celebrate his marriage.

He actually thought another person would quit their job to look after his kids for him for free? Now that's fucking snobby. And someone he doesn't even treat kindly at that.

Now he's trying to make your children choose between him and their grandparents too, and I imagine they too aren't allowed to talk about their grandparents infront of him?

Have you thought about the future when your parents do succumb to their age, need care, you're upset becuase they're ill and dying, and then they die. And you're not allowed to talk to him about how heartbroken you are. Your own husband refuses to go to their funeral. Bet he'll be more than happy to start spending the inheritance though won't he!

Get rid of him, it doesn't sound like he brings any joy to your life and he is going to make the last years of your parents life so difficult, you will never give up that guilt and resentment once they're gone. And if you don't, at least talk to your parents about passing you over in their will, so your children inherit from them instead of you and your husband.

I voted YABU because nothing, and I mean NOTHING would make me stay with the man you describe in your OP.

How you went on to have children with this utter turn off is baffling.

Your parents might not be around for much longer. Personally, I would divorce the miserable prick and spend plenty of time with them.

He sounds absolutely fucking awful. Nasty too.