Parents and DH feud

Surely you let your son decide what he would like to do for his 18th birthday?

You really have lived a half life with this man. It seems such a sad waste of a life and opportunities all because of his insecurities and misplaced inverted snobbery. Think of everything you have missed out on to date. Do you really want to continue missing out on things as you get older?

I'm sorry but he sounds joyless. You just don't have compatible values at all.

I agree with most posters, let him boycott his son’s party if he wants to and don‘t give it a seconds thought. If you are living your own life happily, if he doesn’t stop you doing whatever you want socially, then its just himself he is making miserable.

Perhaps you don’t want to leave him, perhaps he has you in seventh heaven every night.

I say let him cut himself off from happiness with his family if he wants to, but don’t expect anyone else to shrink their own life to suit his miserly ways.

I’m glad you had the wedding you wanted, I’m glad your dad had his birthday the way he wanted, your son should have the big, joyous birthday he deserves. Your husband can sit at home at home in the dark, in front of a one bar fire, with a margarine sandwich for his own birthday if that’s what he wants.

Does your husband not like your parents spending money as he already is counting his inheritance! So sorry OP that you have put up with this. It must be really hard reading all these replies. Be kind to yourself. This man has been abusive in a very subtle way. If he loved you truly then he would support you with your parents after all they made you the person you are. All this over a wedding which happened 20 years ago. Take care of yourself and your children.

I am honestly amazed that your H can stand up & walk because that boulder sized chip on his shoulder must be pressing him down flat.
How's the rest of your relationship? Is he loving and giving within your marriage & family 'unit'? What are his parents like and do you have a good relationship like with them? What are Christmas, anniversaries and birthdays like?
I'm just interested to know the above because a lot of replies are recommending leaving but.....something must have kept you there?

this has to be a creative writing exercise. I refuse to believe you chose to marry such a nasty miserly person, who is has a feud with your parents because they paid for his wedding.

Let alone expected his MIL to retire to be free childcare. OP you have to be joking, why would choose to spend your life with someone who thinks so little of your family (who i assume you don't hate).

I don't blame your parents i wouldn't have anything to do with him. Wouldn't even let him cross the threshold.

I hope your parents either don't leave a single penny or give it directly to the grandchildren.

Tell your son to have his party. Ask anyone he wants, if your DH decides not to come then be missies out and no one else.

Don't let him start to blame your parents or any of that nonsense "Dh it's not your party, you are invited and welcome it's your decision"

Your husband either has a massive superiority complex or he lacks confidence. Lacks confidence: He doesn't like going where he may make mistakes, be shown up for being the 'wrong' class or something. He obviously worries how people see him.
Superiority complex: Can include lack of confidence BUT it looks like he despises people who are not 'ordinary' or 'run of the mill' - people my late DH tended to call 'cardboard cutouts' (he was a huge egotist but got on with everyone, though he did not suffer fools gladly) - in other words, people who do nothing extraordinary, just a pint down the pub chaps, warts and all sort of person. Stingy, too. That he doesn't understand why you prefer a wine bar to coffee at home I quite see: how could he understand it.
Tell him that your DS will invite who he choses to his 18th and if dad does not show up this will be something DS will never forget.

Your husband is an absolute arse. He has no right to make judgement on the way other people live their life, who the fuck does he think he isn’t?

You should have out your foot down when he said your parents weren’t allowed into the home, it’s your home too!

What a baby he is saying he isn’t going to your son’s birthday party because your parents are going, what age is your husband 12? He isn’t at a playground.

I bet your husband will enjoy your inheritance when the time comes.

Let your son do what he wants to do, it his party, and tell your husband to grow up.

I can see why your parents don’t like him. Imagine throwing a strop about where a 75 yo wishes to celebrate their birthday.

I'm amazed that load he’s carrying has broken his neck- inverse snob 🙄.

Hopefully your son has the will to enjoy his birthday as he’d like and not pander to his insufferable, abusive father 😒.

I’d be interested to know his views on inheriting from these snobs who worked longer to have an enjoyable lifestyle.

I have seen this so many times and it has happened me too, you will put up with ‘stuff’ yourself, but when that person does it to your child, or someone you love, you suddenly see the ‘wrongness’ of it.

What he is doing to your son is awful.
What he has done to your parents is awful.
What he has done to you is awful.

You need to really think about your future. You are someone’s child too. All the very best to you x

Do you own your house? Is it in joint names? Do you have joint savings? Because I would be very quietly getting my self sorted financially….

This man is tight, nasty and an inverted snob. He begrudged his future wife the wedding of her dreams…. Just think about that for a minute!
He thought your dad should have had a party at the Brewers Fayre…but it’s nothing to do with him. And he refuses to welcome your parents in your house? But he expected your mum to give up work to care for his kids? Free of charge of course…. He really is a prince isn’t he!

How is he going to be when you both retire? Do you want to spent 24 hours a day with this man who begrudges you spending money? And when you come into any inheritance from your parents he will be entitled to some if you divorce.

I would think long and hard if you really enjoy life with this man. Does he bring anything to your life? And if the answer is no then start planning to seperate.

As for your sons party…. He will have seen how awful his father is. Get him on his own and tell him you are sure he can see how his father feels about your parents and how sad it makes you. But it’s his party and he can choose who he likes to celebrate with him and you will back his choice.

No offence but your husband sounds ghastly.

(OK - putting 'no offence' before that wasn't all that helpful. He does sound ghastly though).

So he hasn't forgiven you or them for him not having the wedding he wanted?

Well tbh if he was that against it you would have found a compromise between the two extremes & paid yourselves.

The birthday meal is hard to understand.

If your dad had invited everyone would your husband have accepted?

Accepted & made the night miserable?

It's awful that other people missed out.

I think my post is probably only one of a few that hasn't required mental gymnastics! 😂

It might come as a shock to you but you are in an abusive relationship. It's mad you've put up with this for 20 years!

Wow. You get the gold medal for your mental gymnastics there.

I think you have a point.

I've read both of the OP's posts, and she describes her husband as frugal (maybe they're on a tight budget?). He wouldn't be my cup of tea, but the hysteria about him being an abuser and a bully is quite something!

It's interesting too that most have decided that the OP's Dad excluding his grandson from his 75th birthday meal was entirely acceptable in order to keep the peace, but the OP's Dad being excluded in order to keep the peace is tantamount to murder! Maybe the husband is annoyed on his son's behalf? It's almost certain that there is more to the story than has been described. Personally I think @eveningqueen456 needs to let it go, and just accept that they don't get along.

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I think your DH is being ridiculous. Do you see his family? Because if my DH refused to see or socialise with mine then I would treat his family exactly the same.

LTB for suggesting eating in a Brewers Fayre.

Your DH is a total wanker. Why should his joyless choices trump anyone else’s? And threatening to miss your son’s birthday is pathetic. I honestly couldn’t live with such a control freak that sucks the joy out of life.

@eveningqueen456 what does your son want to do.

If your son gets married is he going to fall out over that?

I'd certainly have one party. I suggest that you ask your parents if you can tag along on one of their holidays, get away from him and have some fun without him.

Is this twat banking on your parents inheritance hence he hates them spending? They sound great fun and that's what life is for. Enjoying yourself. They can't take their money to the grave. He sounds grim.

Your son won't have been oblivious to what has gone on over the years, so if he wants to invite his grandparents to his party, knowing how his dad feels about it, that tells you something and you should support him.
Let your son have the celebration he wants, with whoever he wants and if your DH chooses to sit at home, stewing in his own juice, let him. I suspect everyone will have a better time without him glowering in the corner, counting the cost of every drink and bowl of crisps.

YANBU, however I have little sympathy for you as you married this man and stayed with this man and allowed him to act like this. Why are you with him?! He sounds bitter, petty and selfish. Making his own son choose between him and his grandparents, that's is disgusting behaviour and shows he only cares about himself and will always put himself first before his family.