Parents and DH feud

your DH has the impression he is in charge of who people invite to their birthdays. Your lovely dad missing out on having his daughters' partners and grandchildren at his 75th birthday just to stop your DH ruining it? And now your DH wants to effectively ban your DS from having his grandparents at his 18th? both of those things are perfectly normal and as a non-main-prerson in those events your DH needs to STFU and behave.

TBH i would have ended this years ago. Either by making him behave or stfu or by leaving him.

I haven't much to say on this one as his behaviour is deplorable. People who hold needless grudges against others, especially members of family who are willing to forgive and forget need to take a hard look at themselves. The ill feelings they spread around tends to have a snowball effect on thouse around them but sadly they often don't care.

@saraclara That's such a good point about OP's poor son. He's 17, wants to get excited about celebrating his upcoming big birthday and the stress and sadness he must feel because of his Dad's behaviour is dreadful.

So in short your DH won't allow your 80 yro parents attend his sons birthday party because he thinks they spend too much on stuff he doesn't value?

So if they die and you inherit a sum of money, he'll presumably have strong opinions on how you or your children spend that money if they inherit directly.

For some reason you've put up with this for 20 yrs. Anyone would think your parents were the abusive sort. That's just an insanely large chip on his shoulder.

Your DH is a controlling, abusive arsehole. He sounds incredibly child-like as well

Why on earth are you still married to this awful man?

I feel so, so sorry for your parents. They have done absolutely nothing wrong and he is a massive arsehole.

I honestly don't think I could stay with a man who showed such contempt for my parents. It would make a very unhappy marriage.

It's ironic that your DH doesn't like your parents for what he sees as snobby behaviour when his actions are screaming inverted snobbery from restaurants to his whole behaviour of judging your parents then expecting free childcare!!!

In mumsnet fashion you have a DH problem. Simply put call him out on his own inverted snobby behaviour, tell him he can either suck it up for a day or get out!

Yep. That, as the parent of adult daughters, is where my instinctive empathy lies, along, of course, with imagining what this 18 year old has grown up with for him to have to worry about his own dad refusing to come to his family 18th.

OP, please let your parents at least die happy, knowing that you've left this person.

I don't get the objection to the OP's parents going out for an expensive lunch and only inviting their two daughters. It was a 75th birthday, not a big landmark birthday with the expected family party. They haven't 'excluded' their grandchildren as such, they've just chosen not to host a large lunch out.

They might have struggled to pay for the entire family to eat somewhere fancy, but really couldn't get excited at the thought of a bog standard Brewer's Fayre type lunch, which incidentally isn't cheap at all when you are paying for two or three courses for 8 or 10 people.

Why are you married to this controlling life limiting person who has you check everything you say in case someone has spent a bit more than necessary on something they will get enjoyment out of and shown themselves to be a snob. (Is he stuck in the 1970s)

Does he realise he wasn’t invited to your dads birthday because of his attitude to money and even if it had been at a Brewers Fayre he would have complained anyway and that his attitude to money impacted other relatives in the family who also didn’t get an invite.

I think you need to pull the sticking plaster off and stop keeping yourself in check on what you say or who you talk about

People go to nice restaurants because they like the food, the atmosphere, to be served food rather than having to make it or fetch it themselves. Not because they are snobs and want to show off what money they have.

When he talks of run of the mill people what he is describing is people with no ambition.

Get evidence of all the savings he has then divorce him and take your half.

This guy shows no redeeming qualities
The only reason you were in a better place with your marriage was because you were adhering to his demands.

Live your life and throw big parties. Eat out and enjoy yourself.

If your dh wants to be the richest man in the graveyard then that is up to him
Please don’t let him drag you down as well.

There is a difference between being frugal and being mean.

Your dh is mean and also controlling

@eveningqueen456 is your DH a miser? Does he delight in not spending money?

I have to say I find this a really unattractive quality.

It also sounds like he has a huge chip on his shoulder about 'posh' things / people - again hugely unattractive. People should just be accepting of other people, as long as they are not abusive.

Did he have an extremely poor upbringing?

Your DH is the problem. FFS - a brewers fayre 🙄

Your DH sounds like an absolute c*nt.

HNRTFT.Crikey ,if my daughter was with someone like your husband I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night!

Your husband sounds really unpleasant. Do you actually want to stay married to him? I couldn't live with someone like this.

Your husband sounds like a miserable sod. Unless you’re strapped for cash and struggling to keep a roof over your head, life is too short to not explored the world, have fun and make memories.

@Busybeemumm in the OP's parents' case I would probably rewrite my will and leave my money directly to my grandchildren in trust (on her side) so that this abusive toad would not get his hands on it.

Your parents sound like nice, normal people. Your husband sounds bloody awful. I couldn’t live like that.

I’d say he just took the easy option of just inviting his DD’s rather than having to face the drama of OP’s DH either being the only one excluded or making a huge fuss about the venue.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on.

Well that's clearly not going to happen, is it? And you admit you've been happier in your marriage since your DH went NC with your parents, so there is no need to argue over them any more. Your son could easily have two parties, or just do something with his friends, and no need for extended family to be involved. Why poke the hornet's nest and risk a bad atomosphere for everyone?

Does your husband have a problem with getting on with people in life generally, or is it just your parents he has such a withering opinion of?

Ive met people like your husband - Prolier than thou.
I am amazed youve allowed him to treat you and your parents so rudely over the years

Oh my goodness gracious giddy aunt for the love of life, happiness and all that is holy, leave this bastard. __

Absolutely this 👆🏼

Your DH is a bully and a man-child.

No wonder your parents don't like him - would you want a daughter of yours to end up with a controlling arse for a husband?!

He sounds awfully bitter. You only have a 'quiet' life now because you're cowed to him and pandered to his tantrums.

How sad and pathetic that he is is prepared to cause such strife over his son's 18th. A good parent is prepared to put their discomfort aside to do what's best for the child.

He tried to make your Dad's 75th about him and now he's doing the same with his own son's 18th.

Sorry OP, but he's an arsehole.

I wouldn't invite someone to my 75th birthday who wouldn't let me in their house! I don't think that was unreasonable of the OP's parents. Never mind all the added shit of him thinking he was owed an opinion on the venue. They knew if he came he's sit there being huffy and spoil the night. Why would he even want to go if he hates them so much?