Parents and DH feud

This ^^ Absolutely he is an inverted snob - and they are worse than 'normal' snobs. He obviously has an enormous sense of inferiority and is taking out on you.

Stop appeasing him. One party, invite everyone your son wants there and if your Husband elects not to go, that's fine, let him stay at home.

I struggle to believe that your DH's selfish awful behaviour regarding your family is in isolation.

This isn't the acts of a loving partner. Awful behaviour, you deserve way better and frankly so do your parents! He'd have to go if I was in your shoes.

If your parents get sick, or need you over the next few years, this is going to ramp up and your life will be a total misery.

Sort it now before your parents get older, because you would not believe how painful it is, even with a nice kind husband.

Good luck to you x

Your dh isn’t coming accross well. He’s the inverted snob here “I’m so working class my dog has a flat cap”

Why would you tolerate this attitude for 20 years? Your DH sounds depressingly intolerable. Do you still love him?

Look to your retirement.

It will be miserable.

And I hate to ask - will you inherit from your parents? He won't want you to spend it.

Am I right in thinking that the sum total of your DH dislike for your parents is that they enjoy their life, using their own money, in ways he would think extravagant for his own tastes?

You aren't allowed to talk about your own family because DH doesn't like how they spend their own money on holidays and nice meals out?

He sounds a controlling knob OP. You don't get to control other people's lifestyle. And to throw a FIVE YEAR sulk because your dad wanted his birthday meal in a nice restuarant (and because of your DH behaviour had to have that occasion without his grandchildren there) is utterly pathetic. It's time to tell your DH to grow up. It's your son's 18th, he should be able to have a party without his dad being a dick to his grandparents (who don't seem to have done anything wrong).

It must grieve your parents to see their lovely daughter married to such an angry and unpleasant man.

Stop dancing to his tune. He sounds like a nightmare of a husband. It's absolutely nothing to do with him what your parents spend their money on. I take it he's not going to want any benefits from the inheritance you might get in the future?

Absolutely this. Make up for lost time with your parents. You'll regret the time lost with them when they are gone. Imagine your own children's spouses treating you that way, how upsetting that would be.

Sounds like your DH wants to be a working class hero and has a huge chip on his shoulder. I assume this is a hangover from his upbringing. Bottom line is you really aren't compatible with this man the cracks will become less tolerable as you both get older and children leave home.

why would you want one big a bad atmospheric party when they get together and create an awkward tense environment.

Have two parties

"When I went back to work he also presumed my mum would give up work to offer us childcare"

Why would he expect someone else to give up work to look after his kids? If he doesn't want to spend on childcare, HE should give up HIS work to look after them. Oh, of course... it's because she's a woman and women only have jobs until the childcare needs doing.

Are you unreasonable for wanting your DH to act civilly at DS's birthday party? No.
But he isn't going to do this. Best to go ahead and have the party without him.

OP I’m really hoping you’re troll because if this is actually your life then it’s very sad.

What on God's green earth has your parents' lifestyle got to do with your husband? I'm sitting here open mouthed at his behaviour.

He is totally unreasonable and I suspect you are avoiding acknowledging his pernicious behaviour because it'll be too uncomfortable to know what a grade A arsehole you married. What you can do, I have no idea, but he is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Oh OP, my greatest regret is that I was going out with someone so very similar to this when my father died. I found out later that my dad was really worried about me and how I was being treated.

Your lovely parents will die and you will so regret all the time and energy you spent on Mr TightFisted C*..... While he will probably be busy diverting their inheritance into his bank account

OP I genuinely don't know how you've coped with this horrendous judgey, unkind, impolite snob of a husband for all these years. Anyone who spoke badly to my parents would be out on their ear without a second thought!

Why on earth would you let him treat your parents like this?! Your son is 18 now, so no need to continue to cling on to this pathetic excuse of a man to prevent your children growing up in a split home (although that would have been better, by the sounds of it). Get rid and start enjoying what little time you have left with your parents.

This was very upsetting to read. OP, I'm guessing you married very young and have been heavily conditioned into acquiescence by this awful man you married?

Now that your kids are approaching adulthood, please do give serious thought to leaving him. He will make your middle aged and elderly years an absolute misery. And you will regret every second you did not spend with your lovely parents once they are gone.

Oh gawd, your husband sounds a total joy to be around - what some women will put up with! Selfish, tight-fisted, miserable bastard he sounds and how have you tolerated him for 20 years and had two kids with him? OK, I'm sure your parents have faults, but bloody hell, there's a strong argument here for a new patio in the back garden😏 As other posters have mentioned, I bet his dislike of your parents wouldn't stop him spending any money they leave you. Seriously, what do you get from this man who takes the joy out of living?

Your DH is a stingy, joy sucking bully. He needs to get over himself. He doesn't talk to your parents because your dad had and paid for a his own birthday dinner party in a restaurant that your DH doesn't approve of. He doesn't get to dictate how others live their lives.

You need to nip this shit in the bud. Your parents aren't making ultimatums he is. Now it's your son's graduation. Then it will be his 21 birthday. His engagement. His wedding. His baby being born. His kids birthdays. He needs to learn to coexist. He can't get on with your parents for a few hours. It's ridiculous.

I can't fathom a relationship where I couldn't talk about my parents. What if they are sick, one went into a home or died? You'd be all alone. That's not partnership.

Honestly, he's a gigantic prick.

Your husband is a tight~arse.

WHY should your mum have given top work to look after YOUR children?!
He's so unreasonable.

I hope your son does invite his grandparents.

BET your husband won't say no to a lovely inheritance left by your parents.
@eveningqueen456 .....

What a whelk...can't begin to think why you're still with him. Sounds like he's sucked the joy out of living. Supposedly if your mum had taken on the childcare mantle FOC he would have a different mindset to your family. Enjoy the birthday without him if that's the way your son wants to go.

Op, your husband is a dick. That's no better than someone very wealthy looking down their nose at someone who isn't as well off..

Truthfully op I'm amazed you let him away with this and tolerated it - how is it for him to decide where and how your dad celebrates his birthday? It sounds like you're a bit of a people pleaser and your dh is really controlling.

I think you need to sit him down and say it's enough.. he doesn't get to dictate like this and he needs to address where the chip on his shoulder is coming from and that he needs to do it for you and your children because you should be his priority and his attitude is unfair to all of you.

I couldn't stick someone like this any more than I could stick someone being snobby in the other way. Does he control your life in other ways and isolate you from people in other ways? I feel really sorry for your parents.

This.

@eveningqueen456 Your entire family needs to stop pandering to your husband.

Frankly I would have nipped this in the bud years ago.

You should have said to your dad, before his 75th birthday, "We will all go and celebrate your birthday wherever you like. Invite the whole family. My misery guts of a husband can stay at home eating fucking beans on toast. The rest of us will come and celebrate with you and have a lovely time."

The very least you can do, now, for your son, is to say he can celebrate his 18th birthday however he likes, and whilst you can't guarantee his father will attend, you will at least do everything in your power to stop him from spoiling things.

Do not let your family miss out on another nice family event because of your dickhead of a husband.

Make it clear, starting today, that you are fed up with him spoiling everyone else's fun and you are all going to enjoy yourselves without him from now on.

And separately, do some soul searching and ask yourself whether you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man. Life is both too long and too short to stay with someone who sucks all the fun and happiness out of everything. You could be single, living life on your own terms, or maybe even with another man who isn't a total tightwad and actually knows how to enjoy life.