Parents and DH feud

The thing is even if he doesn't like them he should make an effort because they are important to you. So it's more than one issue. Issue one is he sounds joyless, second is he inflicts that on everyone around him,which is selfish and indicates that he thinks rather a lot of himself, third issue is that although he knows your parents are important to you he doesn't put his feelings aside. I think he sounds thoroughly unpleasant. You say in your post he's lovely. it doesn't sound like he is.

Agree.

Tell your son there will be a party. He shouldn't have to miss out any longer because he has a dad with, at best, a massive chip on his shoulder.

Then look at the Freedom Programme.

Your husband sounds like a miserable, judgmental twat.

I can't imagine his presence being missed at a party.... Presumably he'd just be looking round for someone to criticise anyway.

How have you survived with him for so longer? Your poor parents must wonder what they've done to deserve him.

Full respect to your parents for not making things even worse , even though they must hate that you are with this inverted , unpleasant miserly inverted snob.

I won't say ' LTB' , as I know it's far easier for a casual observer to come to that conclusion that it will be for yourself, but what would you say to anyone in your situation?. You must be so miserable and quite frankly your future will be even worse , especially retirement.

At the very least you need a serious talk with your DH, explain that you no longer want to waste your life like this and that if he doesn't change, then changes will happen around him.

I’ve been thinking about this since I first posted. You’ve probably had quite a shock reading the replies: your OP makes out like none of this is a big deal, everything has been in an even keel, now all these random people are saying the same, very unpleasant things to read, about your husband.

But it really is true. Your DH must be one of the most insecure people you know. To only be lovely to people you like is the epitome of insecurity: he can’t handle anyone outside his way of being. That’s just, well, awful and miserable and tiny-minded and everything else.

And, he’s got you right where he needs you - estranged from your parents - so that his ego remains intact. His wag of being is threatened by your parents, he can’t cope with that, so the only way for it is to banish them from his life and because you live with him, that has to mean your life too. Your own parents, your DCs’ grandparents.

Do you see that this just isn’t normal? That you’ve lived 20 years in the shadow of an insecure man who has nurtured and tended to an outsized ego to shield the world from his insecurities? Just because he’s on the spend-less side of the spectrum, doesn’t mean he’s any the less snobbish or puffed up. It’s all the same things as the odious man at the golf club with his booming voice and loud trousers and tiny wife, telling anyone who will listen that he doesn’t approve of the hoi polloi with their inferior lifestyle. This man, too, will be absolutely best buddies with people who think like him. And their world will be tiny. All the same. It’s petty, unattractive, tribalism.

I really feel for you, your parents and your D.C. all held to ransom by this man laying down the law by threat of punishment (ie worse behaviour from him, arguments, atmosphere etc) if you don’t do as he needs you to do so he can throw his ego around unthreatened. What a way to live. Do you really want or need that for the next 20 years of your life? There’s a whole world out there, places to see, people to meet, hobbies to pursue, relationships to cultivate. He’s holding you all back, for his own sake and at the expense of yours. It’s so, so sad.

No, the dad excluded his children from the meal as the grandad didn't want his rude, ungrateful and disgraceful son in law there. Shame grandad didn't have the wherewithal to invite the kids anyway but he's clearly not wanting or stir the pot.

Your husband massive projects his (inverse) snobbery and judgement all over everyone else. The narcissism and insecurity behind his inflexibility is mind boggling.

He can't make the rules. He just can't.

Make a decision here: DH can only makes rules for himself and repeat it to yourself and him.

DS is having a party for his 18th. All families attend. DH can only choose whether he joins or not -he can't decide who gets to be there.

Your DF has a party, at the venue of his choice and invites everyone. DH can only choose whether he comes.

If DH is dictating the rules, boundaries and decisions of other people, even through threats of strops/arguments or the threat of non-attendance (who would give a fuck I wonder) then I'm afraid that this is abuse and coercion.

Your poor parents. To have effectively lost their daughter and grandchildren and any chance of a family life to this prick for the last 20 years. He is abusive, OP. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

Your husband is a prick. I can't believe you've tolerated this shit for the last 20 years. Why are you staying in this marriage? Why? He sounds fucking awful.

Wow your DH is so unreasonable!! Amazed you even have to ask

You do realise that the snob in this affair is your DH?

Is he saving up to retire?

my dad insisted mum mum do this all her life. I never had a holiday until they got a caravan when I was about 12 and we had some nice holidays then.

When they retired they had two huge holidays. One to Auz and the other to Canada. then it stopped, he wanted to save for their money in case they needed a nursing home, or an op or anything else but won’t spend it on holidays other than going away in the caravan. Mums always wanted to go on a cruise. They are pushing 90 now both of them, fit as fiddles, the tax man is going to love him when they pop their clogs. I hope dad goes first so mum can go on lots of holidays abroad as she’s always wanted !

My god, please go out and live your life! For twenty years you’ve not done meals out/ socialised/ holidays you want because of what? The massive chip on his shoulder he has?

Life will pass you by, take a leaf out of your parents books before you’re old and in a chair wondering why you didn’t do the things you wanted to while you could. I find this so much sadder than the rift he has with your parents. He’s taken so much more from you than you realise.

It might be worth copying a few responses and showing him what 100% of posters opinions are on this. If necessary you could say you looked up mumsnet to find threads on this topic regarding husbands who refuse to have anything to do with their parents-in-law or their families and refuse to compromise for the sake of the children involved and here is the response. It goes without saying this would also be the response for wives & their in-laws if they held a grudge against their husbands family & caused problems for everyone involved.

Your son's 18th is a good place to either deal with DH or decide to leave him. He has already alienated you from your (lovely) parents, sucked as much joy out of your life as possible and put you in a position where you state his opinions as some sort of fact.

There is no way he is going to approve of any partners your DCs bring home, if they even bring anyone home. Are your DCs allowed to feel proud of achievements, or will he get nasty with them if they get good jobs or travel or anything he doesn't fully want to do himself? Do you really want to have a future where your DCs hide the important parts of their lives to keep DH happy?

This attitude of DHs will ruin your future relationships with your DCs in exactly the way he has ruined the relationship with your parents. Choose carefully what you do next.

I used to work with someone like this - a huge inverted snob. Anybody who liked anything she thought was "posh" was showing off, fancied themselves, needed taking down a peg, a snob, etc etc. The list of what counted as "posh" was absolutely endless, starting with A for Avocado, B for Ballet and probably all the way through to Z.

Things that were "posh" and therefore unacceptable included joined-up handwriting and going running. Acceptable activities included attending school (while compulsory), attending work (but nothing you enjoy or find intellectually stimulating!), drinking tea and gardening. And you'd better not want a chocolate covered biscuit with your cup of tea.

and to add to that - no way would I be putting on two parties. You are enabling him.

Throw one, invite all. He chooses to come and behave, or not go.

You can remind him that the person he will be hurting if he does anything other than go and behave himself, will be his son.

And if he was going to choose to do that, then I would be out of the door.

When I went back to work he also presumed my mum would give up work to offer us childcare

What an entitled bastard he is. I notice he didn't presume your dad would give up work or that he himself would give up work to look after his own children.

Your parents must be heartbroken that you've married a man like this. What would you feel like if your children married someone like their dad, who didn't want anything to do with you unless you were funding his lifestyle?

Unless there is a massive backstory here, your husband is disgraceful.

Your parents will be gone one day - trust me your resentment of him will be tenfold for the impact he has had on your and your children's enjoyment of family life and relationships. And what's worse, you won't be able to 'fix' it, as they won't be there.

This won't get easier - only harder - as your parents age and you want to support them. Unless there is more to this story, then I cannot fathom why you would put up with it.

I would like to have a come-to-Jesus talk with your dh, @eveningqueen456 - to point out to him that he is an adult, and should be able to use his grown-up manners. And that other people have as much right as him, to live their lives as they want to, and he has no right whatsoever to dictate how they spend their money. I'd tell him that his son has every right to have his grandparents at his 18th birthday party, and that it would be cruel of him to make his own son choose between him and his son's grandparents.

Basically, he needs to grow the fuck up and stop behaving like a petulant toddler, if he doesn't want to lose his family.

Your husband sounds like an asshole, remember your parents won't be around forever and when they are gone your really going to regret a lot of this.

Or he can go to the pub, nurse half a pint of bitter all evening and talk about immigration/the cost of living/whippets with his friends. If he has any.

Let me guess: your husband's earning capacity is modest because he lacks intelligence and skills, or does not get promotion because he can't get along with people? And resents anyone who is in a better financial position?

More fool you for letting yr H control your life like that. Your poor parents and kids.

My DH isnt keen on my mum, but i would never ever let him influence my relationship with her.