Parents and DH feud

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

What a pathetic childish prick

Ditch this joyless loveless miser while you're still young.

What a pitiful man your ‘D’H is. How dare he try to dictate how your parents spend their cash.

I’ve never said this on MN but… LTB

Yes, he's not going to improve, is he? He's likely to become grumpier and more unbearable as he ages. Free yourself from this dismal husband. Life really is too short.

Have my first LTB.

Genuinely though, what happiness do you get out of this marriage and what do you think his behaviour is showing your children ? He is isolating you from your own parents because he can't get his own way.

I'm not trying to goad you into leaving but if not now, when?

If now isn't right to stand up and make changes, when?

Twenty years he has taken. Your life, your parents, kids.

When Is enough enough?

I voted YABU because your husband doesn't sound very nice. He sounds very controlling and you don't sound very happy.

Its never too late to leave, if you're not happy.

What if your kids decide to spend money on something he deems unacceptable? Will he drop them too? Will you?

I hope you both have amassed a nice savings pot due to his tightness, and you divorce him and get half and live the rest of your life how you want to. Hopefully you properly regain the relationship with your parents before it's too late.

Your parents are not getting any younger. Tell your mean spirited controlling husband that you'll see them when and as often as you choose and if he doesn't like it...tough. Please don't waste the remaining years you have them for pandering to a man you would probably be better off without.

You and your DH sound like fundamentally different people, although you seem to have made it work, apart from the issue of your parents. It's rare I find myself siding with the PIL in these sorts of posts, but I do think your DH is behaving like he has a massive chip on his should about money (which is his own issue to resolve) and is immensely childish about both your father's dinner and his own child's birthday party.

It was your father's birthday celebration. It's up to him to decide what form that celebration will take. As it was, he kept the dinner small to avoid an issue with your DH. The fact your DH decided to pick an issue anyway, makes him sound like a spoiled brat.

And refusing to go to his own child's 18th birthday party, just so he doesn't have to set eyes on his PIL? I'd be telling him to grow the fuck up. Marriage isn't about one person always getting their own way. It really doesn't matter at all how he feels about your parents, he can suck it up and be polite in order to ensure your son has an excellent day. (I'm sure he doesn't love all the people he's ever worked with - does he give them the silent treatment or tell colleagues not to mention their names to him?)

Your husband has a massive chip on his shoulder that is the other person in your marriage. It's damaged your relationship with your parents and will be a massive negative impact on your son's current and future relationships. If you don't leave this man, I fear that you will have a massive breakdown when you lose your parents.

@eveningqueen456

Do you actually love him?

Like, is he someone you are genuinely very fond of who enhances your life in many ways, and this is a minor irritation that flares up from time to time?

Or is life with him generally quite miserable because he sucks the fun out of everything?

If it's the former, he needs a good stern talking to.

"DH, I have spent the last 20 years of my life listening to you moaning about how my parents choose to spend their time and their money, not eating at nice restaurants, not going on decent holidays, not celebrating important family events. All because YOU judge these things to be unimportant and frivolous. Because YOU don't think these things are worth spending our money on. But I've had enough. I don't want to listen to you complaining about my parents, who have worked hard to have the kind of life they want, and who are entitled to enjoy it. I don't want to eat at Brewer's Fayre, or spend another holiday in a crappy caravan, when we could afford nicer experiences. I don't want to listen to you sneering at people who dare to do nice things, because I too would like to do nice things and frankly I am pretty envious of those people, because they are allowed to do nice things with their families whereas I am not. We only have a finite number of days in this life. Neither of us know how many of them we have left. So please give your head a fucking wobble, celebrate these milestones with us, push the boat out a bit on holiday, agree to eat at a nice restaurant once in a while. Otherwise we will do these things without you. I'd rather we did them with you. But I've had enough of not doing them at all, simply because you have decided that we aren't going to."

If it's the latter...

Close your eyes. Imagine yourself lying on a sun lounger underneath a palm tree with a warm breeze around you, drinking a cocktail. Or sitting at a table at a nice restaurant, with your parents and children and sister and nieces and nephews, wearing an outfit that makes you feel a million dollars, seeing the look on your dad's face as they bring out his 80th birthday cake. Or hiking the Inca trail.

Imagine all the things you can do with your life if you decouple yourself from this miserable git, and then tell him you're done.

What did I just read? Can't believe you have enabled this arsehole. Ask him if he would be happy if one of your children married someone who's parents live a different way to him, would he cut them off too? Jeez, just hope he hasn't screwed up your children the same way he is. Just out of curiosity what are his folks like? Is there a pattern for weird judgyness?

I'm assuming that your parents aren't driving themselves into debt with this lifestyle, and that they are actually relatively well off, right? And I'm assuming that your husband comes from a much poorer background and has a lower proportionate income than your parents/provides a lower standard of living than you might have otherwise expected?

You DON'T have to feel guilty about this. This chip on his shoulder is his problem, not yours, and you DON'T have to tolerate him dragging you down.

Honestly, your kids are raised and heading off to university. I would strongly consider leaving him BEFORE your parents die and leave you anything because I guarantee he will spend the rest of your lives tangled up in some fucked up mental gymnastics like refusing to let you spend it to improve your lives because "huh! if I wasn't good enough for them when they were alive, I'm not going to give them the satisfaction of using their money now", or making your life a misery and refusing to use the kitchen extension/attic conversion/greenhouse/new car/holiday you get because it was built/made/bought with "their money".

Or he'll kick off about you using it for college fees/support because he feels chippy about not being able or WILLING (which from what you said is most of the problem) to pay that himself. I bet he also thinks university is a waste of time and full of snobs "who'll probably look down on us".

Leave him then and he walks away with half of it. Leave him now, spend precious time with your lovely, endlessly patient parents, and have a happy life without this nonsense.

He’s fond of dictating how family members celebrate, isn’t he, who the fuck does he think he is? I so hope your ds stands his ground and uninvited this horrible selfish man.
I hope you uninvite him too, @eveningqueen456, but forever.

Sounds like you are married miser who wears his mediocrity like a badge of honour. He’s treated your parents like shit and made your life a bit miserable. Tell him what’s happening and that if he can’t put aside his differences for one evening he can enjoy his humble tea and cakes in his little home on his own for the foreseeable future.

Reading between the lines, you're not happy, your dh controls you, your dc are grown. Time to spread your wings and kick him out.

No. Don't do this. Do something now. Don't pander to him anymore and don't do it especially when it will ruin your son's 18th. The man you should love before any other.

Your husband is awfully controlling. He would rather make a point then let your son have the birthday party he deserves

Exactly!!

@eveningqueen456 You DH is utterly unreasonable and always has been! What an absolute tw**t!!

Your parents are gettting on, and you’ve allowed this mean spirited arse to stop you from seeing them. They are not the problem, he is!

I would not be tolerating this. I hope your DS tells him to back off and invites his grandparents to his party .

No wonder your parents don’t like him. I’m surprised that you do.

What are you doing with this man? Get out now while you can. X

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

Have a party. If your DH wants to be a miserable git and not attend its his loss and his problem. Let your DS have the party he wants. Its HIS birthday.

Also this.

So he is entitled (free childcare), tight, coercive controlling (by making it difficult for you to have a normal relationship with your parents or a holiday you want and can afford with your kids due to his ensuing mood and atmosphere) and he is insecure about his ability to earn and provide.

This is literally your life. Your parents will die, your kids will leave and you will be left in retirement with a miserly joyless man. I hope he is worth it for you.