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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parents and DH feud

637 replies

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 21:51

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

OP posts:
rhianfitz · 30/04/2024 20:50

He sounds like hard work

Rachie1973 · 30/04/2024 20:41

Well there isn’t a ‘feud’ is there?

Your tight fisted, controlling partner dislikes your parents.

A feud would indicate discord from both sides.

Your DH sounds like a dick.

Sugargliderwombat · 30/04/2024 20:36

So your husband has a huge inferiority complex and is dragging you down? Let your son invite his grandparents, I assume your son probably thinks hes a massive dick, too.

Onemoreterm · 30/04/2024 20:34

What a child he is! Your DH needs to get over himself

I have a friend’s DH who is very very frugal. She has a real battle with him just to have the heating on in the winter. Everything has to be a deal! Own house in very upmarket location, thousands in the bank and he wants to save it all for a just in case scenario 🙄

Moonyblue · 30/04/2024 20:19

Your husband sounds absolutely miserable. It is completely absurd that you cannot talk about them.

So if your son was to talk about his grandparents does that mean your husband would be in a bad mood with him ?

It is a shame you cannot do nice things with your husband like you can with your friends. Eventually you will realise this level of compromise is not normal. He is expecting everything his way or he makes you pay for it at home

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 30/04/2024 19:41

Your DH is massively in the wrong, and he sounds like a prick.

Your parents sound nice and normal.

None of this behaviour is normal OP:

  • DH dictating that you can’t talk about your parents or have them in your home
  • thinking he can dictate where your dad has his birthday meal and making it an issue
  • Dictate which relatives your son invites to his own birthday party and refusing to attend.

he is acting like a spoilt toddler and honestly what does he bring to your lives at this point? Why have you put up with his rude behaviour to your parents? They must be heartbroken you are married to this awful man :(

BananaLambo · 30/04/2024 19:28

Wow, what a piece of work. How presumptuous of him to assume your mother would give up her career to look after a child. That’s bonkers and entitled. In your shoes I would have the party with your family and he can have a slice of cake at home with him after. Though I’d probably be thinking hard about the relationship too.

JimPanzee · 30/04/2024 19:20

I'll be honest, your DH sounds awful @eveningqueen456.
How dare he judge your parents for how they spend their money.
I couldn't live with someone so bitter.
Expecting your mum to give up her job mind your children is just...... jaw dropping!
I'd imagine there's a lot more that goes on in your marriage that we would all be astounded by, but you're the typical boiled frog who doesn't know up from down.
God almighty.... your poor children 😢

Sureaseggs44 · 30/04/2024 19:11

I agree,,why are you still married ? Who does he think he is being judge and jury of everyone else and sucking the joy out of everyone’s lives . Why should his attitude over run everyone elses ? How dare he ruin your relationship With your family . I would just have the party with who you want and ban him .

pimplebum · 30/04/2024 18:54

What a miserable way to live

Why is he controlling your life so much ?

He would rather sulk and spoil your sons party than be in same room as your dad

Reevaluate what this. Controlling Miser brings to your life

Behindthescenesnow · 30/04/2024 18:45

Well I hope he enjoys being the richest man in the graveyard!

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 30/04/2024 18:44

How are you feeling OP after seeing these comments? 💐

INeedToClingToSomething · 30/04/2024 18:38

Your "D"H sounds fucking horrible.

OrigamiOwls · 30/04/2024 18:31

Why on earth did he assume your mum would give up work to care for your child?!

Jl2014 · 30/04/2024 18:24

Your husband sounds awful. I’d be glad to have the party without him!!

misszebra · 30/04/2024 18:23

your husband seems a very miserable person. you'd probably have a better party if he wasn't there

GimmeGin · 30/04/2024 18:06

@eveningqueen456 What a shame that your DH wanted such a rubbish wedding, and expected you and your DP to go along with his wishes, and has basically sulked about it for the past 20 years!

You live a frugal life, and he won't spend on anything. No holidays!?! Fair enough if you are skint, but sounds like he is just mean. Has he salted away all his cash into his own savings account? Don't worry, he will never spend any of it, and be a miserable sod for the next 20 years.

What a lovely retirement you can both look forward to....

Damnthedieteatingdoritos · 30/04/2024 17:59

When your DC go to Uni/leave home do you really want to spend the rest of your life with Scrooge?

Bestyearever2024 · 30/04/2024 17:50

YOU , OP, have allowed this awful man to spoil life for your parents, children and wider family

Shocking

tara66 · 30/04/2024 17:48

He has a massive chip on his shoulder and also probably an inferiority complex too. Psychologist would find him a text book case I think!

Jumpingthruhoops · 30/04/2024 17:47

SpeedyDrama · 29/04/2024 22:06

there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

Well of course there is, your husband is Scrooge - sucking the life and fun out of any event that cost more than a half penny and tap water it seems. Why on earth have you let him get away with being such a miser about your parents way of enjoying themselves? He genuinely thought he had a right to dictate where your dad had his birthday meal and has sulked since? Honestly I don’t see how you find this man attractive, especially now foot stomping about his own son’s birthday.

I can’t believe you’re actually considering two parties to placate him, a supposed grown man who the party isn’t even for. One party, either he comes or he doesn’t. Stop the pandering, your parents and son deserve more respect.

Literally this! With bells on.

BustyLaRoux · 30/04/2024 17:46

So he wants to control what you’re allowed to speak about, control where your dad has his birthday meal and control who your son invites to his birthday.

Who made this man King?

NoWayRose · 30/04/2024 17:45

Seems so odd (and a bit thick?) to declare you are seeking out the ‘run of the mill’ on purpose. He sounds a Dad from a film set in the 1970/80s, upset that their son wants to do ballet in London. Not a young-ish person from 2024.

ZoeCM · 30/04/2024 17:43

Is this for real? Why on Earth are you still married to this man?

  • He expected your choose his father-in-law's 75th birthday venue (just... why? On his milestone birthdays, has he asked your dad to choose the venue?)
  • He's been so rude to your parents that they knew in advance he would complain about the restaurant
  • He would have whinged if they'd invited him, but when they didn't invite him he refused to have anything more to do with them
  • He's forbidden you from even mentioning them to him, which is the sort of reaction you'd only expect if they'd done something truly horrendous, which celebrating a birthday at a restaurant certainly does not qualify as
  • He's threatening to stir up drama on his own son's eighteenth birthday because everything. is. all. about. him.

I normally think MN is far too quick to suggest ending marriages, but seriously. LTB now.

IAmThe1AndOnly · 30/04/2024 17:37

I voted yabu because yabu to have not told him to grow the fuck up.