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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parents and DH feud

637 replies

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 21:51

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

OP posts:
cheddercherry · 01/05/2024 18:02

Yeah, the update makes it worse to be honest. So he doesn’t like your sister, doesn’t like your parents, does he like your friends or just his friends?

Just to play devils advocate, what makes him so sure his kids will WANT him to provide childcare/ live down the road from him. What if the kids want to build a life away? What if he dislikes your kid’s partners (shock: most people like parties/ eating out).

What if his grandchildren want a birthday party with all their friends?

I envisage a very frustrating and quite isolating future because his world sounds really quite small.

oakleaffy · 01/05/2024 18:02

@eveningqueen456 Sorry you are having to live with such an awfully mean spirited and unpleasant man.

He'll be living it up on your parent's inheritance is they leave you anything I expect.

Your parents deserve their retirement. Your son and dad deserve a proper celebration for their big ''Birthdays'' {80 and 18}

Your husband is a killjoy and most unpleasantly behaved.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 01/05/2024 17:56

Your update is even more depressing, OP. This is no way to live.

Original poster
eveningqueen456 · 01/05/2024 17:53

Gosh had a very busy two days so had no chance to post a reply.

I think deep down I know he is out of order but he says life is too short to spend time with people he just doesn't get on with- he says he has tried to get on with them but he just cannot understand the way they live and they way they treat him/us - ie not helping with childcare, wanting to do posh stuff with us rather than eating fish and chips at the beach (like normal people!!). His parents are younger than mine but retired early to look after his sisters children- they have never probably set foot in a restaurant and just (they live 60 miles away so they weren't an option for child care for us)and he thinks that is what mine should have done rather than frittering money on crap - they are in their late 70's and should be enjoying the beauty of the countryside and the grandchildren.

He would like to retire at 60 and he is always telling the kids that he will be on hand to look after their children so they and their partners can work as he would not ever want to be tarred with the same brush as my parents.

He has never stopped me seeing my parents and I see them fairly regularly but he is so full of hatred for them that he can't be in the same room as them. He doesn't understand why I can't see his point of view. He doesn't really like my sister much either as her and her husband spend their money and he feels they all look down on him for being unmaterialistic.

He doesn't really want my son to do anything for his 18th - he just wants to take him to the pub and buy him a pint. Again - parties are a form of showing off and money down the drain.

I have noticed over the years that his qualities of kindness and compassion are only for people who HE likes and live a similar way to him.

My dad will be 80 later this year so along with my sons 18th - this is causing issues because this means parties or celebrations which is spending money and showing off. Normal times when there is no big celebrations we get on really well because I just see my parents on my own or with the kids but it is when they are big birthdays etc that I start to resent him and his attitude.

OP posts:
Satsuma2 · 01/05/2024 17:50

After your second post, and actually after your first post, there appears to be a husband problem not a parent problem. What a miserable git he is. Let your child have the party they want and not the party your controlling, miserly husband wants. Your poor children having to have put up with this all their lives.

InfiniteGoodVibes · 01/05/2024 17:46

Yet another post where so many respond and the OP doesn't return.

I hope it is because she is busy preparing her future without this bastard of a man.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 01/05/2024 17:45

Partners are replaceable, parents aren't. Why are you letting him dictate to you?

LucyEleanorModeratz · 01/05/2024 16:53

Ahahah thank you @CountingCrones ! I think you’re the first to have spotted the reference on MN 😁 I can literally say all the lines of the film verbatim - chronically underrated, as you say!

CountingCrones · 01/05/2024 16:23

@LucyEleanorModeratz - outstanding user name! One of the greatest Christmas films and woefully undervalued.

When I looked after my neighbour’s cat I called out “kitty! Rich kitty!” at mealtimes

LucyEleanorModeratz · 01/05/2024 15:37

I’ve very seldom seen such a display of unity of thought between posters in response to an ‘AIBU?’. I imagine it’s fairly overwhelming, so sending strength to you OP. I also hope you’re giving some serious thought as to whether this is the man you want to spend the rest of your years with.

Flyhigher · 01/05/2024 14:55

Your husband is completely out of order.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 01/05/2024 10:38

doesn't like your parents but expected your mum to do free childcare ?

two faced, mean git and that's putting it politely.

he has never stopped you going out with friends - wtf !!!

why would he ?!!!
why should he ?!!!

why on earth have you stayed married to him ?

life is short, you should be enjoying it !

Delphiniumandlupins · 01/05/2024 00:08

It must be so hard for your parents seeing you married to such a miserable prick. I expect he thinks your son should celebrate his birthday with a multipack of crisps and tap water! I would recommend getting your parents involved with organising the party, if DH won't come then double win. He can decide how to spend his own money, so long as his family are provided for, but he doesn't have any say in how others spend theirs.

ArmchairPhycologist · 30/04/2024 23:04

YABU to have put up with this shit for 20 years op.

AnxiousAnnie7583127 · 30/04/2024 22:53

Perhaps he isn't coming across very well here but your DH sounds horrible op. Sorry. He must have his good points but I just think it's a shame for your DC and for you.

theonlygirl · 30/04/2024 22:40

I feel really, really sad reading this. How have you managed 18+ years with this tight fisted, joy sucking, controlling wanker. Who does he think he is, dictating to everyone how they live their lives? What an awful, awful position to put your son in. My god you must have the patience of a saint. I don't know how old you are but life is short OP. Not sure I'd be wanting to spend the rest of it like this.

CoraPirbright · 30/04/2024 22:32

Fuck me your husband sounds utterly awful. What a miserable existence!!

Pipsquiggle · 30/04/2024 22:31

How are you feeling @eveningqueen456

It must be difficult reading all of this

ohthejoys21 · 30/04/2024 22:28

He sounds quite resentful himself, as if he has a massive chip on his shoulder.

TitaniasAss · 30/04/2024 21:32

Your DH sounds like a resentful and petty man. I couldn't be doing with that at all.

Pomegranatecarnage · 30/04/2024 21:29

This is so sad, your poor parents. He sounds awful.

BearHug33 · 30/04/2024 21:20

You have a DH problem.

I would never allow a partner to come in between me and my family.

Let your son invite who he wants to his party and if his Dad doesn't show up then so be it. Your husband sounds controlling and tight!

MustBeGinOclock · 30/04/2024 21:05

Up to your son who he invites, up to hubby to decide to let his son down or not. He sounds a right twat. Needs to grow up.

sabbii · 30/04/2024 21:01

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 22:41

It all started when we got married and my parents offered to pay but wanted his words "a posh and snobby affair" - with caterers and real champagne - DH just wanted tea and cake in a church hall and in the end they got their way because I wanted "the posh do" - OK OK looking back this was probably a massive red flag!!!!!

When I went back to work he also presumed my mum would give up work to offer us childcare but she carried on working till her 70's so they can afford the lifestyle they choose to live.

We spend very little time together as couple as I have quite a few friends who I enjoy going out with - he has never ever stopped me seeing friends or going out although he can't understand why I can't just be happy with a cup of tea at a mates house or a coffee in a coffee shop or pub rather than going out to a nice restaurant/wine bar/ where snobs go.

We've been on a few holidays but only caravan sites or camping.

He can be so lovely but only to people he likes and they are what he calls "run of the mill" people who don't spend money to show off.

Sounds like he has massive chip on his shoulder and really immature if he thinks going for a nice meal is showing off. We've all seen what actual posh snobs or tacky wealthy types flaunt their cash. TbH your parents seem like they have worked really hard to get where they are and can enjoy life to the fullest.

JimPanzee · 30/04/2024 20:51

Rachie1973 · 30/04/2024 20:41

Well there isn’t a ‘feud’ is there?

Your tight fisted, controlling partner dislikes your parents.

A feud would indicate discord from both sides.

Your DH sounds like a dick.

You're right @Rachie1973, this isn't a feud.
This is one very controlling, financially abusive I'd imagine too, man who is manipulating his wife and two very scared parents who are afraid to piss him off too much in case they lose their daughter (& grandchildren) altogether.

@eveningqueen456 Please come back, I think you really need help.

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