Parents and DH feud

So sad for you OP. What is the point of life without some treats and fun?

I’d be thinking of a time when your lovely parents are no longer here and your kids have flown the nest. What will you do to pass the time together?

Your dh sounds horrible. He resents your dp for living a good life and not giving up their retirement to look after his dc. And what your ds does for his 18th should be his choice.

He would like to retire at 60 and he is always telling the kids that he will be on hand to look after their children so they and their partners can work as he would not ever want to be tarred with the same brush as my parents.

And are you ok with this? Has the self-centred twat bothered to ask how you would like to spend your retirement?

I’m not usually one for crying ltb but it must be miserable being married to a tight-fisted, sanctimonious knobber like this.

He hates your parents because they chose to live their lives the way they want. They chose to spend their money the way they want.

His life is too short to spend with people he doesn't like. It take a lot of people to make a world. He doesn't have to like them. He has to love you more than he hates them. He's a self centred, judgemental prick.

Do you have any money does he work or do you live on the breadline? Are you allowed to buy yourself anything like a dress?

What weird 'values' he has he doesn't like people for who they are but what they do or don't do for him and if they don't spend any money.

Or is it that he feels inferior in the company of people who are doing well.

All very strange and I have no idea how you've managed to enable this all these years.
What is it that you want to do now?

@eveningqueen456

I agree with PPs. Why are you staying in this miserable marriage? You sound so unhappy and so justifiably resentful You mention returning to work, so I assume you're still working. Do you have enough income to support yourself and your DC? I know one is turning 18, not sure how old the other is, but assuming they'd live with you? Would your parents take you and DC in until you get on your feet? Have you ever contemplated what life without him would be like? Remember as a married couple you are entitled to an equitable division of marital property, even if he's squirreled it away in his own name. I advise you to see a solicitor. Not to file for divorce, but to educate yourself as to what a divorce could mean for you. You might be pleasantly surprised. And even if not, at least you'll know where you stand.

Think about it seriously. Married 20 years I'm assuming you're in your 40s. Is this the way you want to live the next 40 years of your life? Married to a miser who hates, yes hates, people who refuse to do as he says or live the way he has decided is the only right way? Because I can guarantee you that his miserly ways and his hatred for your parents & any friends who 'cause you to spend money' is going to get worse and worse as he gets older. And at some point he'll turn his miserly ways on you and demand that you no longer do or spend anything that he has not 'approved of' or associate with people who don't toe his line. And then will come removing money away from your control.

Listen, I'm old and I've seen and done a lot in my lifetime. And I know that we only get one go round on this beautiful Earth of ours and life is too short to spend in unhappiness and living according to someone else's rules.

With an attitude like his life will feel way, way, too long!!

And anyway, I thought the expression "Life's too short" meant.... Throw the party, Go on the holiday, Enjoy the swanky restaurant.... love is too short not to enjoy it!!!

Take yourself out of his mindset OP - How do you want to spend your money? Do you want to spend your life like this?

Having a party is not showing off its celebrating a significant milestone.

You seem to minimise his behaviour, he is the biggest inverted snob. People can spend their money on whatever they like and his expectations around childcare are ridiculous.

What's he going to do if your children chose to go to university, or if they get married and want a big party is he going to fall out with them too?!

Sorry but your enabling his behaviour by not calling him out on it and saying enough it's unacceptable.

Your update paints your DH in much worse light if I'm honest. Grandparents aren't put on earth once they're done working to look after grandchildren, he's a fuckwit to think otherwise. Just because his parents were happy to do it for his sibling doesn't mean everyone has to follow suit. He's a narrow-minded mean spirited walloper. I'm surprised he hasn't sucked the life out of you by now OP. Do yourself a favour and tell him to either wise up or get to fuck. I'd rather shite in my hand and clap than be lumbered with this sad sack.

Please don’t let him stop your son from having a celebration.

more importantly, don’t let him stop your children from getting a good education. Somehow I can picture the man you describe discouraging his children from any education that costs money.

So my budget of £5 a head for your DS's 18th was wildly over generous then? I just don't understand your DH's problem @eveningqueen456 , why is showing off by spending money such a sin. It's interesting that he'll be kind to people who share his values but your DPs are beyond redemption because they like to go to nice restaurants. It's a weird form of being controlling, I'll be nice if you conform to my beliefs.
I know that you're hurt but seem a long way from wanting to leave but I'd just like you to think about your future, your DPs will get old and need you more and your DH will NOT understand why you're helping them, once you're retired yourself he won't expect you to spend money seeing your friends, his idea of retirement will be you both looking after any DGC and, if you're lucky, a cup of tea and a bun at the Co-Op once a week. Your life could be so much more Op, once your DC are gone and it's just the two of you I think the cracks are really going to show

You've been putting up with it for 20 years? Time to put your foot down.

And time for DH to grow up and stop acting like an immature dick.

You organise your son's 18th and YOU invite your parents and sister and BIL. You shouldn't put your teenage son in the middle of this. You're supposed to be the grown up.

If DH stomps off and misses his son's birthday because he's too busy sulking about not getting his own way, let him.

And also let him know that you're pleased he's enjoyed the last 5 years without your parents, but you intend to spend the next 5 years making the most of them while you still can.

Your dh sounds awful, fancy refusing to go to his ds 18th birthday because your dp will be there. How utterly childish.

In your shoes I'd say to your ds that he can invite both your dh and your dp and if dh won't attend that's his look out

Gosh, it's just sounding worse and worse.

Does he not see that he is letting money rule his life far, far, far more than your parents and sister? Money is a means to an end, it's a facilitator. It's not THE end. Your DH is making out like if something costs money, the end isn't warranted. He sounds so narrow-minded and terrified. Like a little child hoarding his ice pop so it doesn't get eaten, not realising it's all melted away anyway. What a foolish man.

I'm so sorry for you OP. This is no way to live.

Wow. Your husband has such a massive chip on his shoulder he must be struggling to stand straight. So everyone should live their lives as he deems fit otherwise it’s “showing off “? ( And resentful of your parents wanting to give you a special wedding?)
Your marriage sounds extremely stifling and stressful. Wanting to celebrate big birthdays is pretty normal behaviour. Your husband’s attitude /behaviour is weird. He sounds like he is full of jealousy and resentment. Best course of action? Invite everyone your son wants to the party. Miserable twat husband can stay home with a pot noodle.

Then decide if you want to continue living like this.

My Dh asks me why I give presents to my whole family, I just tell him because it's how we are and what we do. He gets on well with them all but he doesn't speak to.his siblings and the gift giving concept is alien to him.

Oh and you should throw a proper party for both your dad's 80th and your son's 18th and your husband can stay at home practising his cat's bum face and filling out his Form E.

Honestly @eveningqueen456, he says "life's too short"?

The man who has stopped you from enjoying life, having nice family celebrations and holidays?

What about your life? Isn't your life too short to miss out on all that stuff just because he doesn't approve of it?

He sounds like an absolutely horrible man and I wouldn't want to end my days with him.

Divorce him and don't invite him.

Also, what @WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout and @AutumnFroglets said.

He's a Scrooge.
Except even Scrooge, the archetypal tightwad developed generosity.

So what are you doing to do about it? Do you really love your husband and want to please him more than your son and father?

Your update reinforces my view. He's stingy, self centred, vindictive, bitter, judgemental and believes his way is the only way. And it looks as though you've got so used to it that you can't see how abnormal it is.
Reasonable parents don't begrudge their child a modest party. Going to a restaurant is not "posh" and something to despise.
His way of thinking is very skewed, more than you seem to realise.

I'm going to be harsh here OP, as you are minimising what has been happening for years. Consider it me giving your shoulders a little shake. Please wake up.

You have not protected your children from an abusive man. If you want to live with him that is your business but you are also a parent. Please be one.

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/signs-mental-abuse

So as long as you agree with him you don’t argue. Jesus no way could I live with someone like him. He’s made your life so much smaller.

Your husband sounds unbearable. He is jealous of your parent's lifestyle and your relationship with them he expects everyone to be cheap and miserable like him. God knows what his relationship is like with his own family. I'm not sure why you didn't run from the wedding plans!!