Parents and DH feud

My teenagers didn’t really want boring grown ups at their parties. You could avoid that row clouding your son’s birthday and just fund him to let rip with his mates.

How are you doing @eveningqueen456

This thread must be a hard read. I hope you are getting what you need from it.

He sounds judgemental and controlling. I can’t believe he pours scorn onto your parents’ lifestyle. He sounds insecure, like he’s never put anyone else before him in his life. Sorry you’re dealing with that set up. I’d love to know what your parents did or said that was so bad that he’s banished their existence from your home. Poor kids. I’d just have one party and if he doesn’t come then he doesn’t come. What a childish plonker.

No idea why you married him or wasted 29 years. Your poor parents, I really feel for them - he is absolutely a snob, no other word for him.

Imagine being that frugal you lose family over it? Also it was your dad's birthday - surely he gets to choose the place and how he wants to spend it?

Why wait for a divorce?

Everything that everyone has already said!

I had a very similar situation. My ex hated my parents. They tolerated him with more grace than they should have for 16 years. He did the ‘them or me’ thing…it was NOT a hard choice. He was controlling in different ways to your husband but extremely unpleasant to be with and I only stayed long enough to get myself in a position to be able to look after me and my children on my own. I haven’t regretted my decision for a single second. Don’t stay and regret it later.

He sounds like the twat of my brother in law, who has a massive chip on his shoulder because my family has more money than his.

My late DF was a lovely, generous man who though hard work and grit managed to make a good living and loved to share it with us. He came from very humble origins so he was the opposite of posh but loved a good restaurant and was delighted to treat his family. Once my sister got together with BIL, we welcomed him into the family and was also invited, but managed to "joke" and sneer about how everything was so posh and expensive, and not for the likes of him.

Now that my mum is a wealthy widow (she rightly inherited most of it, but we both got a substancial sum, much more than a normal deposit) he constantly makes little digs about how well she lives comparing how much they are struggling with the cost of living. Twat.

I think the point being made is that H is tight and also unpleasant about having a good time of the sort he dislikes. Stuff him, pass round the bubbly and consult a solicitor spring to mind.

What an awful person your husband is - I hope your poor children don’t try and emulate him. Poor kids. Poor you.

I don’t think @eveningqueen456 will be back as I should imagine the comments have been quite a shock. I hope you are ok 💐 and hopefully taking on board what people have said.

He is just a shit person.
Smug and superior, what a nasty, little, mean spirited man.

I am so sorry OP - this must make very difficult reading for you.

I want you to imagine your life as a bucket and at the very end, it is filled with everything you have experienced. His will be full of bitter resentment, inverted snobbery, judgement, hatred. Is that what you want? Personally, I would like my bucket to be brimful of happy memories, laughter, love, fun times. Chips on the beach is one of my most favourite things but a party or a holiday - also wonderful. Where is the joy?

I have to wonder what your children think of him? I imagine that, if they haven’t vocalised it, they think he’s a miserable git who has denied them so much.

You seem to be trying to emphasise his good points- the way he is very good to some people. But they are only the ones who, by his judgement, are living their life in the way in which he has deemed is correct. How arrogant! Who is he to judge others?

But he is right in one way - life is too short. Too short to be desperately trying to placate this frankly horrible man and deny your children some happy times. Going out to dinner or having a party isn't showing off! It isn't posh! Get out OP and fill that bucket!!

This - I feel really sorry for you! My husband has the occasional moan about money or how we should spend it, but your DH sounds intolerable.

Have you thought they might not have that kind of money, to lavish on holidays and expensive meals, we are in a COL crisis and money is tight for many families.
Don't just assume people have disposable money

Your husband and has and is behaving like a spoilt, child and you have let him. Enough is enough. You need to put your foot down, as your husband has manipulated and bullied you all for too long.

Why are you still married to this awful man! Can't see that your parents have done anything wrong!

Your husband needs to grow up. How your parents spend their time or money is absolutely none of his business and unless you are in severe financial trouble he's not frugal he's just tight. Your parents won't be around forever and he is hindering your relationship with them. I'd reconsider my marriage based on his behaviour

Your dh sounds like a joyless person with possibly a narcissistic personality disorder. He sounds controlling and extremely upright. You're being abused and you do not know it I think. I'm astonished you stayed with him so long. But when someone is in this kind of situation for so long it's difficult to realise it's not normal..

To you maybe but various faiths / cultures / generations / backgrounds, have varying beliefs / practises / lifestyles / traditions etc . Everyone has a view / opinion , which may not be identical to yours .

Might be cultural but doesn’t stop it being misogynistic

Lots of cultures actually .She didn’t say he didn’t expect FIL to help, he wasn’t mentioned. The DH may give up work and look after Grandchildren when the time comes. OP may have other priorities like her parents.

@Loopylambs in what world is it not misogynistic to assume the grandmother will give up work to provide childcare rather than expecting a male relative to do the same

This sounds rather like coercive control. Controlling who you see and where. Is he like this about your friends? The children? Or is it just you? I am amazed you have borne it for so long. No wonder your parents don’t like him. They see what you refuse to see. Quite apart from anything else, he is spoiling your last years with your family. Unless he is willing to go into extensive therapy, I would cut loose with a clear conscience. Imagine how he will be with teenagers? Maybe therapy would be beneficial to you. I think this is a larger problem than you describe. We can’t all be wrong.

@eveningqueen456 you don't sound very well matched. He sounds awful tbh.
I'm amazed you've stayed with him so long.

Did he pressure them to give up work ?
misogynistic ? I wonder if the Aunt he gets on well with and helps would agree with this ?
Who is Son expecting to pay for his 18th party?
The relationship has obviously broken down between family members and he doesn’t want them in his house or to argue about them anymore?

Can’t believe you stuck with him all these years - what an arsehole!