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AIBU?

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Original poster

Divorced - he just won't pay ... still!

56 replies

DizDan · 29/04/2024 21:10

Long story short (ish)!
2 kids 17yo 16 yo (1 doing A levels, 1 doing GCSEs)
Dad (to whom I am divorced) signed eldest up for private school (right decision for the child) but then said to me he wasn't paying. He earns 3 times more than me. I said I would pay (it would genuinely have been worth it for the sake of my child's mental health) - I cut my cloth (ok, butchered my cloth) to afford this. (son was at risk of suicide just before secondary then threatened to be diagnosed with autism .. another long story .. I refused, shouldn't have -totally my fault! and so wish I had for additional support and understanding of his condition)... anyway so here we are, with son possibly going to Uni (predicted 3xA stars at A level and 1 x A) ... son's Dad has finally paid for 6th form only because I had a male (2nd husband) step in and tell him he was a bully - ex-husband was trying to get me and my 2nd husband to pay 6th form fees. My 2nd husband and I (together) about a third of what ex gets per year. Ex husband thinks we should split sons Uni education (only the maintenance costs) plus thinks son should (in ex's words) pick up the burden of the costs so it is not loaded onto us! ... AIBU - my son will likely come out of Uni with (£9,250 per yr tuition fees PLUS £6,500 maintenance fees already before then loading with more debt) ... any ideas anyone ... please?

OP posts:
Motherhubbardscupboard · 29/04/2024 22:15

If this is real, and he's not an international student, your figures are completely out, whether for top unis or not. He'd need to be living in a 4 star hotel to need that much money! He probably needs about £3k on top of the £6500 to be very comfortable, not £17k!

MultiplaLight · 29/04/2024 22:14

£17500 additional loan required to cover the shortfall

But it's not a loan you can get from anywhere is it? So you want dad to pay 8750 per year to half fund ds?

Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 22:12

Oh, I didn't realise that was an option - okay I will defo look into that! Autism diagnosis before uni - thank you for thinking of that!

OP posts:
MultiplaLight · 29/04/2024 22:12

Where are you getting £17.5k from? Who said he needs that much?

Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 22:11

Nope don't want him to pay all the extra. I don't have a job. I was made redundant in September last year and am on a part time wage now. Happy to contribute.

OP posts:
Persipan · 29/04/2024 22:10

Where is this figure of £17.5k coming from?

Side note: it sounds as though you feel it's likely your son would be diagnosed with autism if he were assessed, but you refused the assessment. Pursue it now, before he starts uni. If he does indeed have autism, that diagnosis will unlock the possibility of many kinds of support that he may really need.

Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 22:10

MultiplaLight -thank you ... what am I getting wrong in my calculations please? I definitely would like to know

OP posts:
MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 29/04/2024 22:10

but son's Dad wants me to pay half of the extra
Do you want him to pay all of the extra?!

Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 22:09

It is £9250 student tuition fees
between £4500 to £6500 maintenance loan BUT that does not cover the entire costs of living (rent food transport and other smaller costs) hence
£17500 additional loan required to cover the shortfall for (rent, food transport and other smaller costs)

OP posts:
Investinmyself · 29/04/2024 22:04

If you are in England then your son’s loan will be assessed on your and new husband’s income if son lives with you. If you earn over £60,000 as a household then you are expected to top £5500 a year to bring son up to level of a student on a full loan.
In an ideal world your son’s dad would split this with you but you aren’t obliged to top up and can’t force him to contribute.
You need a frank conversation with your son so he can select a university accordingly, some are much more affordable than others.

MultiplaLight · 29/04/2024 22:04

I don't think your figures are correct tbh. How are you calculating £17.5k per year?

DoreenonTill8 · 29/04/2024 22:04

DizDan · 29/04/2024 21:24

Thanks StormingNorman - no his Dad has not paid anything in CM ... he has done this by me allowing him to see the children half the week (imo - important the children have a relationship with their Dad ... didn't realise when i agreed to this their Dad would pay for THREE - yup 3 ... different child carers ... 3:20-530pm then 5:30-7;30pm then one from 7:30 so he could travel back from his job (2 hours away) ... my silly fault for thinking he would be around (not paying others so he didn't have to pay me).

You 'allowed him to see the children half the week' what does that mean?

Iwasafool · 29/04/2024 22:00

Is the £17,500 per year or for the whole degree?

Iwasafool · 29/04/2024 22:00

I don't understand your figures. Where is this extra debt coming from for a prestigious university? What is the £17,500 for?

Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 21:55

BruFord - that is a great thought - I will see if I can persuade my conflict avoidant (just like me) son to do that. At the very least it will mean my son has asked the question of his Dad ... then can never be accused of 'not asking' for what he needed.

OP posts:
Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 21:54

nadine90 - so true it is a tax on those that want to better their current position ... I am not sure I totally understand it because the gov't then don't get the tax from these kids as they will not be earning higher salaries .. :(

OP posts:
BruFord · 29/04/2024 21:53

I agree that you need to be open with your DS what his Dad does/doesn’t contribute financially, he’s old enough to know.

Would it be better for your son to speak directly to his Dad about paying for university? He may be refusing as a means to continue exercising control over you.

One of my friends had this situation when her eldest daughter was applying for uni. Her ex said that he wasn’t contributing, but changed his mind when his daughter asked him. He transferred the money directly to her.

It’s pathetic mind games, but some people are pathetic.

Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 21:53

Thanks MultiplaLight - unfortunately ds is unlikley to be able to earn £17,500 per year after tax to cover the shortfall 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 21:51

It is looking like it. I didn't want to do that but son is nearly 18 so might be time to be factual (and try my hardest to leave out my thoughts on the subject)

OP posts:
nadine90 · 29/04/2024 21:41

If your son isn’t entitled to the full maintenance loan, thats because you and your ex are deemed to earn enough to make up the shortfall. So exh should absolutely contribute!
As for the student debt, the vast majority are in the same boat. It feels like more of a tax than a debt to me. Most students manage a pt job as well x

MultiplaLight · 29/04/2024 21:40

I don't understand how his dad is loading him up with debt.... How?

If ds gets a student loan and a job then he's covered most of the cost.

Runnerinthenight · 29/04/2024 21:38

Maybe time to tell your DS the truth.

Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 21:36

Sorry SN - I didn't answer all your question - DS does not know his Dad pays erm how does one put this ... nothing

OP posts:
Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 21:34

Correct - he paid for nothing

OP posts:
Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 29/04/2024 21:33

DizDan · 29/04/2024 21:24

Thanks StormingNorman - no his Dad has not paid anything in CM ... he has done this by me allowing him to see the children half the week (imo - important the children have a relationship with their Dad ... didn't realise when i agreed to this their Dad would pay for THREE - yup 3 ... different child carers ... 3:20-530pm then 5:30-7;30pm then one from 7:30 so he could travel back from his job (2 hours away) ... my silly fault for thinking he would be around (not paying others so he didn't have to pay me).

why did this mean he didn’t have to pay anything? Only overnights count for child maintenance purposes

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