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Original poster

Divorced - he just won't pay ... still!

56 replies

DizDan · 29/04/2024 21:10

Long story short (ish)!
2 kids 17yo 16 yo (1 doing A levels, 1 doing GCSEs)
Dad (to whom I am divorced) signed eldest up for private school (right decision for the child) but then said to me he wasn't paying. He earns 3 times more than me. I said I would pay (it would genuinely have been worth it for the sake of my child's mental health) - I cut my cloth (ok, butchered my cloth) to afford this. (son was at risk of suicide just before secondary then threatened to be diagnosed with autism .. another long story .. I refused, shouldn't have -totally my fault! and so wish I had for additional support and understanding of his condition)... anyway so here we are, with son possibly going to Uni (predicted 3xA stars at A level and 1 x A) ... son's Dad has finally paid for 6th form only because I had a male (2nd husband) step in and tell him he was a bully - ex-husband was trying to get me and my 2nd husband to pay 6th form fees. My 2nd husband and I (together) about a third of what ex gets per year. Ex husband thinks we should split sons Uni education (only the maintenance costs) plus thinks son should (in ex's words) pick up the burden of the costs so it is not loaded onto us! ... AIBU - my son will likely come out of Uni with (£9,250 per yr tuition fees PLUS £6,500 maintenance fees already before then loading with more debt) ... any ideas anyone ... please?

OP posts:
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Bagpuss2022 · 30/04/2024 00:53

This sounds all kinds of crazy to me. You paid for private school and he paid no maintenance for either child.
does your second child go to private school?
my son finished his degree last year me and DH paid half his rent he got 2/3 maintenance loan and worked 20 hours a week he ran a car paid for his own car insurance and went travelling last summer.
your ex has done you over but you have also just accepted this.
get onto CMS for youngest tomorrow and have a sit down with both boys they are not too young to understand the full situation and it may ensure they learn more about finances for their futures

BruFord · 29/04/2024 23:31

I agree with PP’s, do your own calculations and put everything into a simple spreadsheet. After his exams are over, review the spreadsheet with your son and discuss what you can contribute, what the shortfall is, etc.

Then your son can show his Dad “his” (your 😉) spreadsheet and talk it through with him. It doesn’t need to be confrontational, he can ask him for advice and find out whether he can help.

DH and I are together and we did this with DD (19), who’s finishing her first year. As we have two children, I’m supporting DD and DH will support DS. DD has chosen to study at an expensive university (we’re in the US) and knows that even with her scholarships, she may need to take out a loan during year three of her four-year degree. Unless something changes financially, I can’t quite cover it all. DH may be able to help, but he has to consider DS as well.

It’s so tricky!

AnitaLoos · 29/04/2024 23:12

I think you need to stop taking your exes word as gospel! He’s not your friend and he’s not on your side. All this information is out there. You can work out what maintenance loan your kid will qualify for and you know how much tuition fees are and then you need to work out a budget for accommodation & food etc. London is more expensive. Catered halls at LSE cost from £7-8k a year but include a main meal every day.

RandomMess · 29/04/2024 23:10

Not too late to apply to CMS for the youngest!

I suspect ex said he'd pay for uni as he knows there is 0 legal obligation for him to do so.

If his Dad won't contribute you need to explain to DS that he will have to live with at home still and go elsewhere.

Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 23:01

@AnitaLoos ... someone above just suggested i look up CMS- I have just realised I should have received around £790 each month (holy cow!!) for the children ... may well double check my figures in the morning. As we have the children 50/50 I just didn't realise I was able to ask for anything.

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Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 22:56

@Motherhubbardscupboard that is really helpful. I am rather in the dark and clearly very unprepared so your costings are genuinely appreciated. Thank you!

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AnitaLoos · 29/04/2024 22:56

Wasn’t child maintenance organised as part of your divorce settlement? Anyway, it’s not too late to go to the CMS for your younger kid

Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 22:55

Left - oh my days - I am such a chump. I had no idea about the CMS possibility.

And you're right - I really should not trust the workings out of someone who lied in court about their income and conveniently (less than) halved it. I don't know why I still can't get my head around someone doing that to their child.

Will wake up tomorrow with a different mindset. Will check with MSE, CMS and actual calculations NOT ex husbands dubious calculations. Thank you!

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Motherhubbardscupboard · 29/04/2024 22:53

@DizDan it's £9,500 fees per year which they get a non means tested loan for. My kids have paid between £6,500 and £9k rent per year depending on which uni and whether they were in catered accommodation or non catered, hall of residence or a house, and whether bills (utilities) were included or not. Then you just need to factor in food and living expenses. My kids get the minimum maintenance loan. We pay their rent, and they are extremely comfortably off with their approx £5k per year and could easily manage on less. London will be more expensive but he would also get a bigger loan.

Persipan · 29/04/2024 22:52

OK, so LSE estimate students will need about £1400 a month for living costs - a bit higher than in other locations but still not £17.5k above the maintenance loan!

Student finance wise, they'll assess off the income of whichever household your son mainly lives in, so if that's with you then your ex's earnings aren't relevant for that calculation.

Left · 29/04/2024 22:51

DS dad doesn’t sound like an honest person so I wouldn’t trust any of his workings out.

Start from scratch. Check your son’s loan entitlement based on your current household income, then work out what he’s likely need to live on. Lots of universities have guidance to current living costs on their websites if you’re not sure where to start with rent etc in London.

As a side note - it would be worth checking out the CMS website. Even though your son spends time 50/50 between households, this doesn’t automatically mean that your ex doesn’t have to pay maintenance. Sometimes the high earning ex partner needs to pay.

Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 22:48

Fantastically helpful MultiplaLight. I had no idea MSE included this kind of info. Thank you so much 😀

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MultiplaLight · 29/04/2024 22:46

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/students/university-living-costs-calculator/

Ask him how he worked it out.

Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 22:40

Thanks MultiplaLight - do you have a reference source for costs please? I am totally willing to be wrong. DS Dad worked out the additional money required.

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Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 22:39

Economics at LSE

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maddening · 29/04/2024 22:37

What subject is ds looking at doing?

MultiplaLight · 29/04/2024 22:31

Yanbu to expect him to pay for some uni costs.

Yabu to expect £17.5k a year.

Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 22:28

Brilliant 😀

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Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 22:28

MultiplaLight - I would like his Dad to pay more - he earns minimum of 2.8 times the joint income of me and new husband and he also said if i paid school fees (which i did for 5 years) he would pay uni - hence the aibu query

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Investinmyself · 29/04/2024 22:21

If you aren’t on it I’d recommend the what I wish I knew about university facebook group for parents.

Persipan · 29/04/2024 22:19

For reference, average student living expenses are £1078 per month - so, nowhere near £17.5k on top of the maintenance loan.

Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 22:18

That's super helpful thank you Investinmyself :)

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Investinmyself · 29/04/2024 22:18

If your income has vastly reduced since previous year SFE use to assess contact them as he may be eligible for more than minimum loan.

Original poster
DizDan · 29/04/2024 22:18

Motherhubbardscupboard - thank you ... how did you get your figures please? - would be really helpful to know, thank you in advance! There is every possibility that the university sites got their accommodation amounts wrong for living (rent and food) and there is even more (significantly more) of a possibility that son's Dad got his figures skewed. So I am totally willing to be figure adjusted and advised accordingly

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Investinmyself · 29/04/2024 22:16

Which uni? I’ve never heard of parents needing to top up £17,500 over minimum loan.
This is SFE chart for 24/25.
If he’s autistic he’ll qualify for DSA.

Divorced - he just won't pay ... still!
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